Me and Depression

One of the many things I believe that threw me back into my depressive state and screwed with my mental health is getting thrown back to the bottom again back to where it all started.

Completing senior year of high school in 2020 during Covid-19 was a drastic experience for me. I had went on spring break for what was suppose to only be a week ended up turning into 2 weeks and then months. While shopping for new clothes and shoes to return to school in I received this message from my dad that had said the governor of Arizona was shutting down the schools until further notice. We went days without hearing updates about weather or not we'd return to finish our finals or if we were still having a prom or senior trips. I was really hoping for a prom at least, all my life as a kid in middle school I was always excited for prom. I would always tell my friend how I cant wait for my senior prom. I was wrong, Covid took that from me... I didn't get to experience playing dress up like I'm a movie star or i'm famous and i'm walking the red carpet. I didn't get the senior pool parties and the class trips. I said goodbye to fellow classmates that day not knowing it would be the last day we'd be going to school together. My teachers, some reached out and expressed their concerns for us and some well, they didn't bother. Graduation day came by quick.

Each senior received 2 tickets and 2 tickets only for our graduation ceremony. Masks were a requirement, social distancing was a requirement, and if you didn't at least have hand sanitizer on you you were considered unhealthy. Their were so many new rules and settings it was a lot to handle and take in. Literally, within a blink of an eye and 1 single text message my world had changed. I had to choose between so many people that day to be at my ceremony. The stands were bare and sectioned off, what should have been a huge crowd shouting for all our achievements was what felt like something so strange. Walking across that stage I should have felt happy and relieved of what I have accomplished. Instead, all I felt was grief because I had lost so much.

From that point on my smiles had started to fade, the courage I had to get up and go outside other than for work just disappeared. I went from walking my dog almost every day to letting him outside to my backyard.. knowing he deserves more than what I can offer. Every single day from then on of my ceremony I have always wondered what experiencing prom would have been like or what it would have sounded like if the stands were full and we didn't have to choose between who should be able to watch us walk and who has to stay behind and watch from screens. What should have been an amazing experience and memory to look back on, turned into a memory that I can no longer stand to watch and bare. It's 2022 now why am I still feeling so low about something that happened in the past?. something I had no control off. I'm a grad now I should just be able to move on but I can't i'm stuck and no matter how many times I try and look at the outcome positively it never seems to be that way. My summer should have been fun and exciting but it ended up being me struggling with my anxiety.