Making My Scars Beautiful

2021 is a new year has had admittedly a rough start, but after the horror show that was 2020, I think we are all ready to make the best of it. Like every year I have my vanity-health resolutions, that are good for me but are partly because of the raging insecurities I can't shake no matter how much I know I shouldn't let society define me. This year I still want to lose 70 lbs and exercise more regularly, but for 2021 that isn't enough.

This year, I'm going to applaud myself for the accomplishments I've made. I won't let the scale discourage me because I've already lost 10 lbs and warded off pre-diabetes despite the pandemic! Even if I gain it back, I will remind myself that I am more than a number and deserve love at any size. Instead of feeling inadequate at work, I will focus on how I've become a more senior member of the team and that me boss looks to me for input. I won't let insecurities and doubts ruin 2021 the way they exacerbated 2020.

Occasionally, I may forget, as I have a tendency to do, but this year, I resolve to remind myself of my success. My mind deserves the peace that comes with knowing I'm making progress to being the me I want to see and I deserved to be happy along the way, not just when I get there. While not the fault of 2020, I lost my sense of self through an emotionally abusive relationship years ago. Each year, I remember more of who I am and chip at the shell that's confined me, which deserves recognition and love. When I encounter new stressors or old wounds, it's tempting to retreat back into the comfort of complacency that I was trained to reside in, but I will resist the urge! Or at least, coax myself back out when I retreat.

This year, I'm really going to commit to therapy and managing my mental illness, especially my PTSD. It's been three years since the incident. While it may be forever burned in my mind, in 2021, I will pick up those ashes and create art out of charcoal. He doesn't deserve the space he occupies in my mind and I deserve better than a life of fear and pain. Each scar, I will turn into a flower stem, because while they my never fade, I will make them something awe-inspiring. I will learn to better ground myself to ward off dissociation and anxiety, so that my life will continue according to my design, not my limitations.

I want my goals to be concrete, so I can measure where I am at without doubt. In the summers, when my PTSD is at its worst, I have dissociative episodes almost daily. While normally hours long, I want to use the grounding techniques my therapist has taught me to keep them under 15 minutes. To ward them off before they start, I will journal to remind myself that it's okay to feel. I hope I can reduce them to once a week. My goals are ambitious, but I have confidence in myself to achieve!

This year, I'm giving back by speaking up. I've known for a long time that there are people who hurt the way I have, and this year, I want to help them through it. Better than anyone, I know that no one deserves to feel that way, but also that those feelings are valid and worthy of recognition. By sharing my stories, my journies, my struggles, I hope to help others. I hope to bring them joy, or at the very least, a feeling of acceptance.

2021 may have just as many challenges as 2020, but this year, I will face them head-on. I will not let it tarnish my mental health and my sanity the way 2020 did before. There is progress I can make through adversity. Not only will I make that progress, but I will acknowledge it and reward myself for achieving it.