Magic & Tragedy

"Remember what you have. Magic. It's lodged in you. Like a spiked arrow. It wounds you. Deeply. But it's a strange sort of pain. Combined with bliss. Trust me. It's all you'll ever need. It's everything." - Yennefer of Vengerberg, The Witcher

I was watching The Witcher the other day with my husband and for the life of me, I cannot get this quote out of my head.

Magic is something so taken for granted in this world. Many even insisting it doesn't exist.

And yet the winds dance over our skin each day, playfully teasing coming changes and new beginnings. Waters flow with absolute rigid flexibility. Nature bringing about new journeys and ending those that are complete. And our spirits - they sing.

Magic is more than happy endings and fairy tales. It's more than princesses with long flowing hair who can heal the wounds of time with a song. It's more than Prince Charming hunting down a woman with only her glass slipper for a clue.

Magic is just as much darkness as it is light. It is primordial. It is origin.

The magic that each of us holds within is a sort of story. It is the tale that defines the core of who we are, where we came from and where we would like to go from here. The power that comes from our core is something I think most of us forget. And we lose our way, having lost sight of our heading through foggy waters.

Although it is pain and suffering at its finest, it's the center of our power as well.

**TRIGGER WARNING: Domestic violence is mentioned, both physical and emotional. You have been warned.**

I have written and spoken about my trauma hundreds of times and still no matter what, there will always be something new that I learn from it. Always some form of growth or gain to be had. After watching The Witcher and seeing the story of Yennefer of Vengerberg, I've remembered yet another fact about myself that I'm sure so many of us forget.

I am powerful.

Being so focused on healing and light within, it's easy to allow yourself to submit to another's will in the face of adversity, if only for the sake of keeping the peace. It's so much simpler to keep your mouth shut and just turn the other cheek. Allow the fight to blow over and not face it head on.

It was always better that way when you were a victim too. You didn't want to draw attention to yourself unnecessarily. You were just trying to survive another day among the landmines. Day in and day out, you made it to bed by just staying quiet until he was sober the next day and he would go back to being the charming man you fell in love with.

And whether intentionally or not, that attitude makes it's way into your new life, your new reality where you're safe and loved and cared for.

With everything I went through, I forgot my magic - my core.

I forgot that I am not that woman anymore. I'm not the woman who cowered in a corner having a panic attack while bowls and plates were hurled at my head. I am not the same woman who accepted drunken slurs spat at her while cleaning urine-coated couches. I am not the same woman who cried and begged and screamed for life while a knife was held to her throat.

I am the woman who decided enough was enough. I am the woman who decided to leave. I am the woman who braved the lion's den one last time to grab the few possessions she had and get away from the monster who haunted her. I am the woman who stayed strong as he threatened her and followed her and tormented her with texts and phone calls for months unending.

I am magic.

I am strong.

This is why I chose to talk about my story in the first place. I wanted to be strong. Admittedly, in the beginning it was absolutely a 'fake it 'til you make it' mentality, but weirdly enough, it's accurate. I did fake it. And I made it. I know I'm strong. I'm actually grateful in a strange way for what I went through because of what it did for me.

I grew up in a household where emotions were perceived as weakness. Feelings were taboo. Logic and business ruled all in our family home.

But after everything, I knew that emotions were my power. And knowing that became my fuel for wanting to help anyone and everyone I could, even if it only brought a small amount of comfort to some person somewhere so they know they're not alone.

Over the course of the last year, my life has been a lot of ups and downs. There hasn't been a lot of time in between that I would consider a lull in any sense of the word. Spiritually, I felt so drained that some days I could barely drag myself out of bed. I would just go through the motions of each day, trying to make it through just one more until I could have a moment of peace.

Recently, I've been feeling so attacked and sad for one reason or another - my husband would say that I have been attacked emotionally, but I choose to direct inward - that I finally noticed myself acquiescing. All the time. I noticed that in trying to avoid conflict, I was allowing myself to become a proverbial doormat.

My inner diva came roaring back to life that day.

No more being walked on at work, accepting things I didn't deserve. No more business partner trying to overtake my dream and warp it into something ugly. No more cruel family members trying to chip away pieces of my soul for their own amusement.

I remembered. I am powerful. I am strong.

I am magic.

- SLR