Love Yourself First

The most enduring relationship in your life—the one that will outlast all others—is the relationship you have with yourself. Every other relationship comes and goes, even those that last until "death do us part." Eventually, all relationships end. But the one person you will be with for your entire life is you. Your relationship with yourself is eternal.

So, what is this relationship like? Do you wake up in the morning happy to be with yourself? Are you a person you enjoy spending time with? Do you find joy in your thoughts, laugh with yourself, and love your body? Are you content being who you are? If you don’t have a good relationship with yourself, how can you possibly have a good one with anyone else? If you don’t love yourself, you will always be looking for someone to complete you, to make you happy, or to fulfill your dreams.

Attracting Healthy Relationships

Being needy is the fastest way to attract an unhealthy relationship. As author Wayne Dyer puts it, "In any relationship where two people become one, the end result is two half people." If you expect someone else to fix your life or to be your "better half," you're setting yourself up for disappointment. You should strive to be happy with who you are before you enter a relationship. Be so content that you don't need a relationship to feel complete.

If you're with someone who doesn’t love themselves, you will never be able to satisfy them. They will never accept your love fully because they don’t believe they are worthy of love. Often, we exhaust ourselves trying to be "good enough" for partners who are insecure, jealous, or self-loathing, but they can't accept our love because they don’t know how to love themselves.

Life is a Mirror

Life always mirrors our beliefs about ourselves. The relationships we attract reflect the qualities we have or the beliefs we hold. Jealous people, for instance, often don't value themselves. Their jealousy is a manifestation of their inner belief that they are not good enough or worth loving. This insecurity leads them to fear that their partner will leave them for someone else, which creates anger and blame. If you remain in a relationship with a jealous person, you might be sending the message that you don’t deserve a healthy, loving relationship.

This is often the case with abusive relationships as well. Many abusers either grew up in abusive households and are repeating patterns they learned as children, or they are projecting their lack of self-worth onto their partners. They will never stop the abuse unless they undergo therapy and face their deep-seated issues, often involving resentment toward a parent.

The Influence of Our Parents

All our relationships are based on the relationships we had with our parents. This can be a shocking realization. Many years ago, I attended a workshop hoping to learn how to attract a loving relationship. To my surprise, we focused on our relationships with our parents instead. I was dismayed at first, but by the end of the workshop, I understood why I had so many problems in my personal relationships. I was merely repeating the patterns from my difficult childhood—experiences of abuse, abandonment, and lovelessness.

No wonder I kept attracting abusive partners who would eventually abandon me. I was replaying the lessons I had learned as a child. Once I realized this, I worked on forgiving myself and my past, and my relationship with myself improved significantly. From that point on, I no longer attracted abusive partners.

Breaking Old Patterns

Instead of blaming others or saying "men are no good" or "women are no good," we need to look into our childhood experiences and the relationships we observed. What complaints do you have about the people in your life? Fill in the blanks: "He never…", "She always…", "Men won’t…", "Women can’t…". Do these statements describe the way your mother treated your father, or vice versa? These childhood patterns deeply influence our current beliefs and behaviors in relationships.

Ask yourself, “What do I have to give up to be in a relationship?” or “How do I lose myself when I’m in a relationship?” Examine the messages you received as a child that led you to believe that relationships are painful. Start affirming love for yourself. For example, if you have a hard time setting boundaries and find that people often take advantage of you, it may be because you’ve sent out a message that says, “I do not value or respect myself; it’s okay to mistreat me.”

Learning to Love Yourself

This does not have to be your truth anymore. Begin today to affirm your love and respect for yourself. Look into a mirror frequently and tell yourself, “I love you.” As simple as it sounds, this is a powerful healing affirmation. As you grow in self-love, your relationships will begin to mirror this love and respect.

Consider joining support groups like Codependents Anonymous or Al-Anon, which help people establish healthy boundaries in relationships and reconnect with self-love and respect. It’s encouraging to see that self-help groups are becoming more socially accepted. These communities bring people together who share similar challenges and are committed to improving their lives.

Comfort Zones in Relationships

We all have comfort zones in our relationships that were formed when we were very young. If we grew up in a home where we were treated with love and respect, we associate that with feeling loved. However, if our parents could not give us love and respect, we may mistakenly associate being treated poorly with being loved. This dysfunctional pattern, often ingrained in childhood, becomes the template we unconsciously use in all our relationships.

This belief—that being mistreated equals love—has no gender bias. Women are often more willing to admit when their lives are not working, which is why this issue is often more visible among women. But men, too, are beginning to reconnect with their vulnerability and recognize these patterns.

Finding and Creating Love

If you’re looking for a partner, make a list of all the qualities you would like them to have. Then ask yourself how many of these qualities you possess. Are you willing to develop those you don’t have? Examine what might be preventing or delaying this person from coming into your life. Are there beliefs or habits that push love away? Perhaps you fear falling in love because you don’t want a marriage like your parents had.

To find love, you must first love yourself. Be your own best friend. Discover what makes you happy, and do it. Pamper yourself, spoil yourself, and stop expecting others to make you feel loved and connected. They can only mirror the relationship you have with yourself.

Moving Toward Love

When a relationship ends, it’s often painful. We fall into the “I’m not good enough” trap and punish ourselves. But remember, all relationships are learning experiences. They come into our lives to teach us something and then move on. Don’t cling to an outdated relationship just to avoid pain or fear of being alone. If you accept disrespect, you're saying, "I’m not worth loving."

When a relationship ends, life is giving you a chance for a new experience. Release the relationship with love, and open yourself up to new possibilities. This is a time to love yourself with tenderness and understanding, a time to move toward love in all areas of your life.

Affirmations for Healthy Relationships

To help you grow in self-love and improve your relationships, practice these affirmations:

“I open my heart to love and I am safe.”

“I am discovering how wonderful I am.”

“I choose to love and enjoy myself.”

“I am in a harmonious relationship with life.”

“I love and appreciate myself.”

Remember, the most important relationship you will ever have is the one with yourself. Make it a loving one, and everything else will change. Start today by loving and accepting yourself fully. As your inner sense of love and self-worth grows, you’ll naturally attract the right people into your life, and you won’t need to compromise your self-intimacy to be with them.

Begin now. Treat yourself with kindness, pamper yourself, and practice love. As you do, life will mirror back to you the love you have within, and you’ll find your relationships becoming more fulfilling, joyful, and deeply connected.

You are worth loving, and so it is.