Love Bombing and Idealization: The Borderline Dynamic Explained

Love bombing and idealization! Borderlines are notorious for thinking they don’t manipulate others. This is partly because they learned very toxic manipulative behaviors as children that they normalized called maladaptive traits. Borderlines honestly believe they are just extra loving, very honest, very genuine people who wear their feelings on their sleeve. What they simply can’t see or seem to understand is all their expressions of love are manipulative projections to get THEIR NEEDS MET! You could literally be a scum bag abusive narcissistic monster or a complete push over human doormat codependent and they would idealize/ love bomb each person IDENTICALLY. That’s because like little kids, they think you are suppose to idealize, praise, and love bomb someone you care about. I once had a lunch with a former military buddy of mine and his bpd fiancé. The borderline literally praised him 5 different ways over during the meal. She said “your the best chef ever, everything you make is perfect, I wish I could cook as wonderfully as you, I’m so lucky to have a husband that’s a chef, everything you do always turns out perfect.” I literally made eye contact with him during the 4 and 5th love bombing because it got so cringy and so over the top. He was red and embarrassed because she was acting like a 5 year old. We both knew she had no idea what was happening and we both knew deep down she was just a little girl playing adult.

I do not say this to disparage or insult borderlines. I’m actually saying this to all you angry push over codependent partners that want to act like you’ve been mislead by the devil. Yes, borderlines are extremely manipulative as well as extremely narcissistic (both are things they will die arguing over the belief that they aren’t). My point is they are EXTREMELY mentally ill children locked in adult bodies with adult desires. They are confused, scared, angry, and pretending to play adult because most of the time they have no idea what’s going on. The reason they manipulate and love bomb is because they will say and do whatever they think their partner wants to hear because their fear of abandonment is so great. That’s party why they don’t understand how abusive and manipulative they are acting. They honestly have all these extremely intense feelings but emotionally they are arrested infants. I know pwbpd think that’s an insult but it’s not. I want to give an example of how a child acts and how they see things.

Imagine a really hungry kid who loves pizza. Let’s pretend this young 5 year old “pizza loving boy” lives with strict parents who are into really healthy food. Imagine that this boy has an uncle that is cool, drinks beer, talks to him like an equal, and who always buys him pizza when they are together. This young boy will idealize the uncle as the coolest, best, greatest, most amazing uncle to ever live because the uncle gives him what he wants most (his favorite food). A borderlines only goal and only real motivation in life is to find a perfect “favorite person” to idealize as a flawless God like partner whose perfect love will fix things and make them all better. They are literally spending every moment hunting, thinking about, desiring love of others above all things. So when they find that new favorite person they become extremely unstable, mentally ill, locked into a fantasy that the partner is flawless and amazing in every way. Because they are emotionally arrested infants they lack maturity. Things like idealization and love bombing is their very immature childish way to express deeply unstable emotions. Codependents who are also very unwell can’t see the love bombing/ idealization. Or they see it but find it addicting and are actually attracted to the borderline more. That’s because both codependents and borderlines desperately crave love so much that it makes them both very sick. When a healthy person gets idealized and love bombed it creeps us out and makes us cringe because it’s very immature and I sign of a very wounded person.

I was watching a recovered codependent who was discarded by their bpd ex talk about these things. He made a wonderful video talking about selfishness and how conmen take advantage of people. Basically he said if you weren’t greedy, needy, or selfish you wouldn’t get conned because when that perfect deal (to good to be true) comes along you wouldn’t fall for it. He said codependents are selfish because they want love so much and are so desperate and so needy that when the idealizing/ love bombing borderline comes along they are ignoring massive red flags to get their needs met. I actually agree that codependents are responsible and are to blame for ignoring such blaring red flags. My former buddy knew his fiancé was deeply mentally ill and basically an unstable child in an adults body. We had numerous conversations over how toxic, abusive, unfaithful, difficult, and sick she was. It didn’t stop him from racing into marriage, buying her a Tesla, buying her a million dollar home, taking her on 3 honeymoons cause she needed to feel loved. Now my friend is miserable and cut off from all friends and family because no one wants to support either of them anymore. I do blame borderlines for being manipulative but I know just like with kids, they don’t grasp how powerful their words truly are. I equally blame codependents who allow themselves to get sold the Brooklyn bridge because they were so needy and so blind to see what was right in front of them. Both people are responsible (these relationships take 2 to tango).