Emotions Aren’t Facts: Understanding Borderline Thinking

Not without treatment and even then I think their level of awareness is still extremely handicap. A fascinating aspect about bpd is the borderlines belief that they are hyper aware and extremely conscious. I think the reason people get so mad at borderlines is their horrible inability to properly define things and express themselves. Being filled with unstable emotions, being so sensitive you feel like you are going to explode DOES NOT mean what you are feeling is accurate or true! I get pwbpd that see feelings as facts all the time. Because they feel things so intensely they often assume it’s a factual feeling (completely wrong).

One of the things that gets borderlines in trouble more than anything is their impulse to make unproven assumptions which sadly just makes them look really unstable. I’ll give an example: I’ve written bluntly about many negative traits of bpd (there are only negative traits! It’s a mental illness not a gift). I’ll get untreated, upset, and easily triggered borderlines who will comment with these very hate filled, character attacking, judgments against me personally. A very common one is the “who hurt you. We aren’t all the same and just because one pwbpd hurt you doesn’t mean you should paint us all with the same brush.” Well, I’ve never in my life dated a cluster b and I never will lol. My only reason for posting is because I’ve spent a decade biting my tongue and watching the fallout from toxic pwbpd. I decided to start sharing my thoughts and experiences as a way to vent and anonymously share my opinions. I’m equally harsh and blunt with codependents, alcoholics, and addicts but only borderlines attack me and accuse me of unfair stigma. Untreated borderlines see themselves as innocent victims (they have a huge victim mentality). They see anyone who says anything they don’t like as a stigmatizing, bigot, hater who is targeting them. It’s a very immature childish defense mechanism that’s engrained into them.

When a borderline makes those kinds of extreme unilateral assumptions it really does make them seem completely “out there.” They do it with partners all the time with the push/ pull craziness. Borderlines might see you make a facial expression that they interpret as bad. They will fantasize that you made the expression because you hate them, you never loved them, you want to hurt them. Then, when you are extremely vulnerable and a perfectly trained needy codependent that’s become addicted to them they discard you because you were going to leave them (that’s how splits happen). In their mind they are saving you from all the pain and heartache they might cause not because of their untreated bpd but because they are bad, evil, unlovable, terrible people (that’s honestly how they see themselves and they project that narrative onto other people). They don’t even realize they just took a functioning relationship and threw it and the partner in the garbage because of a misunderstood look. That’s bpd, and that’s what their illness will cause them to do.

I get so many in denial borderlines who want to pretend bpd isn’t this big deal. Doctors DO NOT give out cluster b diagnosis lightly!!!! You have to be extremely toxic and severely mentally ill (unstable) on top of having at least 5 of the 9 traits just to be diagnosed as cluster b. All borderlines idealize, devalue, and discard people which is called splitting. If you don’t do those 3 things then you don’t suffer from bpd. You might not call those things by the same terms but I promise if you have bpd you do those things.

As I said, borderlines see things and define things in a way that’s kinda dishonest. They aren’t doing it to be evil. They do it because it makes them look better and feel better to take less accountability for the destruction they cause others and how they see themselves (they don’t want to feel bad so they are dishonest about their behavior). For example I once read an entire 4 paragraph post from a very toxic borderline who said she doesn’t discard people. She went into detail in her post proudly talking about how she “cuts people out of her life” which is EXACTLY the same as discarding someone. She even bragged about how she could cut you out of her life and then never think of you again. I asked her in the comments how that’s different from discarding someone. Instead of offering any constructive conversation she immediately attacked me and my character for simply asking a question (that’s untreated bpd). In her mind she’s this extremely aware empath who just picks bad partners. She’s not able to see or accept that she’s extremely abusive, toxic, and severely mentally ill. Mentally ill means you aren’t in touch with reality at least some of the time which is very true for borderlines who have bouts of psychosis!

My point is simply do not try to understand mental illness. There’s far too many of you untreated codependent partners who spend all your time trying to understand the borderline. To many of you obsess over why pwbpd act the way they do instead of looking at yourself. If you have been in a romantic relationship with a borderline that lasted beyond a couple dates you suffer from severe codependency. Codependency is a relationship dynamic in which one partner (the codependent) tolerates the slack, dysfunction, and/ or abuse of the other partner. Please do not try and tell me you dated an untreated borderline who requires constant special attention & treatment and that you somehow aren’t codependent. That’s an insane as an alcoholic trying to convince me that they just drink a lot but aren’t really an alcoholic. I don’t have the time or energy to argue with many of you in denial codependents who suffer from extreme cognitive dissonance.

If you are a partner my advice is to get into the free coda 12 step program and work all 12 steps with a sponsor (all free). Asking a thousand questions and getting a degree in bpd will not heal the pain you feel, it won’t prevent future toxic relationships, and it won’t give you closer! Please just get some help so you can heal and move beyond this trauma (life’s to short). I do get angry at borderlines who are untreated and date because they can’t see how insane they make people. I’ve seen ex partners never heal or waste years/ decades obsessing over bpd. It’s like watching someone survive cancer and then devote their entire life to learning all they can about cancer instead of living a happy life (it’s very tragic). Just get help so you can move on. You can go to coda dot org (. not dot) and find online meetings or attend locally.

Some of you use online as a pretend source of therapy. It’s okay to go online for a community, for validation, to ask questions, to discuss things. None of those things will help you heal or undo engrained behaviors and beliefs. codependents gain all their self worth by what they do for others not for who they are as people. This is why codependents are people pleasers, have terrible boundaries, tolerate abuse and dysfunction, stay with toxic people long after everyone else, can’t say no, and constantly want to fix, heal, rescue, and caretake other damaged people. Stop focusing on the mentally ill borderline and start realizing you are sick. You’re sick for finding a mentally ill person who is in many ways still a child attractive. You’re sick for realizing how toxic and unwell they are and ignoring it. You’re sick for tolerating abuse and continually forgiving someone who shouldn’t be forgiven. Healthy adults do not find borderlines attractive nor would they stay around one the moment they start lashing out. To many of you codependents hide behind the excuse that you didn’t know about bpd so it’s not your fault you stayed with an abuser. You don’t need a doctor to diagnose your partner to tell you that they are mentally ill, unstable, and extremely abusive. If someone keeps punching you in the face because they suffer from “punch in the face ittis” it doesn’t excuse the fact that stood there letting them hit you for years! That’s codependency and that’s your sickness. Luckily coda can help you heal all of those things and it’s completely free. Unfortunately it requires action and work which can be very hard for codependents, especially when they become trauma bonded addicts. Please just reach out for help!