Living With Bipolar 1

Bipolar Disorder is such a touchy subject for me. I am not sure If I should start off with my first manic episode or my first severely depressing episode, but I will tell you about when I was diagnosed. I was freshly 21, just left my boyfriend that I've been with since 18, during the duration of our relationship it's been on and off and I could never understand why I would leave him then get back with him. my psych doctor knew something was up when she had me on stimulants for my combined type ADHD and I was still struggling severely in every aspect in my life. My therapist who had only known me for two years said I had (BPD) Borderline Personality Disorder. My doctor who knew me since age 16, said "no It's Bipolar disorder with (BPD) traits,". When my therapist told me I had (BPD) I wasn't afraid or upset it felt like (okay, not a big deal) even though that was the first time I ever heard of it. But when my psych doctor told me it was bipolar disorder, I cried and melted in her office in such embarrassment and shame. I went home and on my way, I was crying in the passenger side of my mother's car, she couldn't believe the tears that came pouring out of my eyes. I had felt like at that moment, my life was over, a part of me died over and over again. people from the outside do not know what it feels like when you're extremely happy and feel very confident and you start doing dangerous or reckless things that are living in the manic realm. then there goes the crash, the crash I didn't want but needed to calm me down and put me back on earth. the only thing is this crash is fine for a little but then I start to feel severely depressed and suicidal to the point that I forget to take a breath to release this energy. I feel suffocated during this period and unable to do anything. then I have those "normal" periods where I can feel my sanity comes back to me and I am not depressed or manic. Unfortunately, these moments do not last very long. I go back and forth into mania with delusions then severely depressed with more paranoid delusions believing that someone is after me and that I can not trust anyone, not even my own family. before medicated on my medicine, I was a reck my relationships always seemed to sink quickly then I would try to repair them but who would really want to be friends with a "crazy bitch". I lost so many people and even drove people away from me. Now that I am medicated and I can reflect on my past mistakes, my moods are more stabilized, I can think more clearly and have rational thoughts now. there are times I do still have hiccups of mania or depression but it's not that severe compared to when I'm off medication. I am not sure about having children or not naturally due to my mental health conditions. I did confide in my Psych doctor and she told me I would have to get completely off meds during my third trimester of pregnancy which really scares me. I might have to save up for gestational surrogacy to have children in my 30s. In the meantime, I'm going to do whatever it takes to keep the little bits of sanity I do have. I'm going to strive to have a positive life and not let my diagnosis get in the way of me living a flourishing life. I hope whoever else has this severe diagnosis or any other mental illness just know you're going to be just fine. It took me a while because I was in denial for a long time and now I have come to terms with it and made the best out of it and you can too!