Living in the Shadows

Throughout the years, it has been a subject that I felt invisible.  At first, it was a horrible thing that I detested with more effort to succeed.  Each passing failure was no help.  The times seemed difficult, but they truly reflected what life would become.  It was a time of transformation from youthful dreams to adult reality.  Life in the Shadows was a place to develop my love of storytelling. It was those times that I was not seen but could see and study so much around me.  The beginning was always the hardest, with the acceptance of failure.

When I was young, my shy self could never connect with others.  I struggled at first in school and my personal life, which made me more distant from others.  My family loved me, but the outside world was always so cruel.  I strived to be better at gaining some ground as I improved in school and found a place where I could temporarily succeed.  It was where I met my classmates and became the top of my grade.  I was seen there, but only for a short time.  I could still sit back but was accepted for my time. 

Change has a funny way of making things worse for me, though.  I changed schools and dropped to the middle of my class, and struggle crept into my successes.  All the old insecurities remained but worsened as I tried to finish by being seen.  I had a much more difficult time connecting with making new friends.  It was an early showing of how life wants to treat me.  No one really noticed anything wrong or tried to help.  I am unsure if they found it weird or was not one of them.  I was never popular to be seen, but my intelligence was being seen, either. Surviving was my best try, and I eventually graduated. I still look at the picture on the wall at the school, wondering how I could have found my special skill to succeed.

The patterns of life repeat as trying my best. I did well in the one college with good grades and even honor society.  It was a time to relax and feel like I could be seen again.  The right scholarships lined up, and they all knew my name in a positive light.  Then, finishing my degree became more difficult at another college.  I struggled, and everything I tried fell apart. I was not anywhere near the grades I wanted and still have not made a tryout yet.  It was another turn from before, but this time, I was an adult and still was not seen.  I did find a good group of friends, but my failures kept piling up.  I could give everything but still come up so short in my goals.  Even after graduating, I missed my grades by a hairline difference.  It felt so disappointing for that to happen.  Life has a funny way of showing that others did not hate me but simply did not care.

The working world is not much better and even worse.  I tried jobs in my field to no avail.  It has been even worse when I would have had the experience and not got the job.  I was just a number in all their systems.  The dead-end jobs that only cared if I could get a ridiculous rate for the bosses to look better.  I was no longer seen as a human being but as a means to complete some tasks.  The bosses could be colder with their pushing, and coworkers would not be supportive.  I would try to become better at every job, only to stay stagnant in my position.  Others who hardly did anything seemed to be recognized and rewarded.  The effort seemed futile when my current position had been overlooked many times.  It appears that I remained invisible to the world.  Companies want those high numbers at all costs but do not understand that it is humans, not machines, doing their job.  I do not play the game to get into management since I find a masquerade more than a showing of quality.  It has been a long time since I have felt appreciated. 

After much reflection, I've realized that the rejection I've faced has given me a profound understanding of how systems work.  As some rise so quickly, they eventually meet their failures. I am not seen, so they are uninterested in my demise and worried about showing their relevance.  The failures are still wounds but are healing over time.  Being so small in the big picture makes my mistakes even more forgivable.  Many bosses and human resources know my name, but leave me alone.  I can sit back and study business behavior patterns; no one knows I am doing it. I am smart and understand the issues that seem to exist.  The pressure is not on me to show off my skills.  No one would see me coming if I wanted to make a countermove.  I am invisible with knowledge and can survive even with the worst of coworkers. My unique perspective, born from my experiences, is a valuable asset I have come to appreciate.  

Occasionally, I make my concerns known, and even the bosses sometimes do not want to answer. It is still a fun game of studying them and discovering the mistakes not to make.  The systems I learned in college seem ideal, but the harsh reality is that they are out of order.  Watching those around me is so interesting to see their motives. Freedom is away from what everyone thinks. I could think and do what I wanted in moderation without being noticed.  I cannot get any lower.  This means that even if they make rules that ruin things, I can skirt the ones I dislike best.  It has been a fascinating study of people throughout the years, and many do not know that I am even watching.  Some bosses do not answer my emails but avoid me at all costs.

After all these years, or just most of my life, I've seen my invisibility not as a curse but as a blessing. I can relax knowing that no one cares what I do.  I can be me without the judgment of others and them ever saying anything.  It is also lovely to be able to study how the systems of businesses and relationships work from afar.  The world is an intricate place with various motives and actions.  I can use my experience to improve, see when I need to be, and then disappear into the shadows.  Changing perspectives is good, and I will enjoy my invisibility. It has allowed me to grow and discover myself in ways I never thought possible.