Living Autistically

As I sit here listening to "This is Me" from The Greatest Showman, I realize that I have always tried to stuff myself into the box society tells young women they must be in. Don't be different, don't be too emotional, don't be too feminine, don't be too masculine, don't question authority, it's always your fault, you're not worth it, don't speak up, don't lose your voice, don't be ambitious, don't be a wuss, etc. I have never fully accepted who I am for many reasons: trying to survive through abuse and trauma, never really fitting into any mold in school or work, not having a particular skillset (I'm average at lots of things), fighting my own genetics so I don't repeat my parents' histories, tempering down my interests, believing differently, looking different from my family, having health issues, being told and shown I wasn't worth putting effort into, etc. Long have I desired to understand all of who I am so I make sense to my own mind. Too many parts of my past haven't made sense, so the struggle has continued over decades. That is, until last year.

Last year I learned a massive piece of my puzzle: I'm autistic. I was first informed by someone close to me after I had a meltdown. I took their suggestion to my therapist, who tested me, and diagnosed me as autistic. My view of autism was so limited; I had only known one person (that I knew of) who is autistic and I couldn't see myself as that, so I started researching as I always do when I need to have an understanding. We can say I hyper-fixated on it for awhile. The more I learned, the more it made sense. However, I didn't have time to truly process as I was in the middle of wedding planning and trying to stay afloat at work. But, I do recall thinking that the amount of research I was doing was making me "worse" as I continued to exhibit more and more aspects of autism, and frankly sometimes stronger meltdowns also. Little did I know that some part of my brain had accepted that information and knew without a doubt it was (and is) okay for me to be me, and "me" is autistic. The rest of my brain fought it and tried to be what I considered to be my "normal"; that small section had had enough masking though.

I've read articles, watched reels, and am reading a fantastic book that's helping me SO much with processing and accepting who I am, ALL of who I am: 'Different, Not Less' by Chloe Hayden. I'm not done with her book, but I've felt so validated and "seen" that today, I'm wearing two different types of stimming items and you know what, I don't care. Because of her book, I'm learning to listen to my body and mind in a way I never truly understood to do before. I'm learning to be more clear when I'm frustrated or when I don't understand why something is the way it is or done the way it's done (not understanding is a HUGE issue for me and is one of the leading causes of my meltdowns).

As I've been learning, I've also been looking back over my entire life and all the signs were there: food aversion, struggles with math, needing to know "why" before doing something (and if not told or if the reason is one my brain doesn't deem "good enough", I either force myself to do it or I risk correction by not doing it), seeing patterns, hating tags on clothes, certain smells or sounds (dogs licking or whining, feet tapping, chalk), not understanding social cues, having a strong sense of justice and HATING injustices to the point of ranting and not caring who hears me or defriends me, needing to be "correct" (not right, correct and never making mistakes), being loyal to an extreme (when I'm friends with someone, I'm all in), penguin pebbling, feeling emotions to the extreme. I'm certain there's more to add to the list. As I was thinking over my past, I realized the majority of the times I got into trouble were for me literally being my authentic autistic self. To know that I acted in self-harm a couple of times because the strength of my emotions were so strong, that was the only way I could think of to release them - that sickened me. I was sick to the point of sensory overload and likely some mild burnout.

When I look at the world today and all the "nasty" that is suddenly "tolerated", I'm reminded of how I grew up and wasn't understood, which has led to sensory overload again. This time, to the point where I needed to color my hair and get a new lanyard for my keys because my old one had a smell that irritated me. I needed to not look like the person who was as nasty to me as the nasty I see in the world right now. To know that there are millions of "mes" who are struggling with the ballooning of "nasty" and aren't being heard when they speak out (or they are harassed and bullied when they do), my sense of justice has started to scream in pain. I think I've been in constant sensory overload for a long time now, likely at least a decade, especially since I didn't know then what I know now. I've also learned that one of the ways my body tries to tell me "Hey, you're beyond overstimulated and really need to slow down or stop." is when my hives show up. I've had them for over three years now and am still struggling to find a good way to manage them. But Chloe shared something in her book that could be a game changer for me: when the body is overstimulated, skin tone can change. Since I read that part last week, I've been monitoring when my hives present and so far it truly has been when I'm overstimulated or overloaded. The majority of the time the last domino has been strong emotions - so one could argue that the strength of my emotions has the ability to overstimulate me. I've also noticed, even before reading this book, my heartrate jumps when I hive; I've learned in the book that that's another way the body is saying it's overstimulated. Knowing all of that, I came up with an "overstimulated battle plan" and have since purchased different stimming devices, started to learn when I'm getting overstimulated and doing what I need to in order to re-center, and letting people know I need space or a moment.

Even with having this information about myself and what I can do to be my authentic self in a safe way, I am still struggling with negative self-talk. There are times my brain frustrates the crap out of me and I just want to be "normal" so I can have a break from my own self - but that's not possible, so I fight through it. I fight, because I know that no matter how exhausted I am afterwards, I've learned something else about myself - and that is precious.

As I come to an end of my thoughts before I overstimulate myself, I know my future will be okay; I know I'll get to a place where I'm okay being my autistically authentic self. For right now, I'll keep writing and sharing because I'm tired of feeling like I'm the only one this is happening to. I'm not alone; you are not alone.