Life’s Ups and Downs

I am 57 years old.I’ve done great things in my life. Then I’ve done the worst things.

The great things are when Iwas a critical care nurse for a large hospital group.I truly loved my job;caring for the sickest people in the hospital.I’ve kept the sickest patients alive all night and I’ve helped the sickest die with dignity.I remember one lady in particular. Mrs May was 78 years old and in our critical care unit for three months. She was on a ventilator the entire stay. She was sedated and never conscious for her stay. Her husband came every day to sit at her bedside. I was there to care for him and his emotional needs just as much as I was there to care for her. I worked 12 hour nights at that time. My care for her was mostly comfort measures as aposed to heroic measures. She was a ‘no code’ or DNR- do not resuscitate. The things I did for her were to keep her comfortable and her husband comforted and informed on her status. I washed her hair and styled it like the pictures of her hanging on walls. I painted her nails a pretty pink as that was her favorite color. I spent the time with her family to know these details. These care measures didn’t improve her psychical condition but did help her husband feel she wasn’t suffering. Yes-I also maintained her airway,suctioned her lungs frequently,and assessed her condition continuously. I drew her blood and kept up with her medications. But the maintaining of her beauty and physical care was just as important. Some of the nurses felt Mrs.May shouldn’t have been left on life support for so long as she was dying. But I understood that her husband needed this time to love her and prepare to let her go. I wasn’t there the night she slipped away but her husband called me the next night that I was a work just to talk. He continued to call me every week or two just to talk about how he was managing without her. This went on for a few months then I never heard from him again. My job was finally done. I had done all I could and was satisfied with the results. Pink nail polish still makes me think fondly of Mr.and Mrs.May.

The worst things were my seven years of opiode addiction.It started with two back surgeries with a doctor who was generous with the pain meds.It turned into me buying and selling drugs myself.I remember the feelings of withdrawal-shakiness, nausea,stomach pain,diarrhea if I didn’t have an OxyContin or Morphine on hand in mornings. The endless driving around and calling everyone whom you scored from. I added cocaine to the mix. I’d buy an ounce and keep half for me and sell the other half. Sometimes I’d remember Mrs.May and who I used to be. But the addiction took over everything in my life. My grown children were embarrassed of me and avoided me at all costs. My mom didn’t trust me in her house after I stole one of my grandpa’s checked and forged it for 500$ to me. I’m amazed that I survived those seven years without dying. I went to rehab five times before I got it right.

But what I want to impart on you is where I’m at now. I’m 12years clean.I now sponsor several women at a local long term rehab facility for women. It is Christian based. My first sponsored woman was 62 years old and addicted to crack. Her life story told of early abuse and sadness. I worked with her for five months and made progress in restoring her trust in God and herself. Unfortunately she left before graduating due to she missed her family. They were 120 miles away. She has been back 3more times and I am currently sponsoring her again. We are going through the twelve steps through the celebrate recovery system. She has finally made it past step four- the inventory. She has made great progress this time around. Hopefully this will be The Time. The time that she finally breaks free of addiction. No more sleeping on park benches so all her money can go to crack. No more being alienated from her family. No more feeling like a failure. I tell her that five was my lucky number-five times through rehab before I finally got it. I pray for her success while knowing she may never get it. But this journey with my sponsorees makes me feel satisfied with my life and eases the guilt for what I put my family through. I truly am blessed and satisfied now.

I now go around to schools and public events and tell my story. Hopefully it helps addicts know and see that there is life after addiction. I thank a kind and forgiving God every day for my life now. I am my mothers’ caregiver and have control of all her assets. My family loves and trusts me again. I hope this story touches you and gives you insites to an addicts life-before , during,and after.