Life is good, Who's asking?

May 15th 2020, 4pm, Support Group

Hi, alright? Er, my answer? Ok. Life. It is a funny thing. It is something we should all be so grateful for, obviously, I mean what a gift. A gift we say we didn’t ask for when we get stressed but a gift none the less. A gift that deep down we are truly very thankful for. However, isn’t it so bloody stressful?

I should probably introduce myself really, before discussing with you all, why I’m here or ‘my story’ as you like to call it. My name is Blue, I’m 25 years old and I have suffered for ten years with severe depression. Ironic I know, it is as if my mother knew I’d have a dark soul and depressed mind so why not name me to match it. Talk about foreshadowing. I guess what fucked me up was my life, obviously, thats why I am here at this meeting, with you all staring back at me, like apes... kidding, you all look great, fine, well for you know, ‘mentally unwell people’. I come from a broken family, yeah parents broke up when I was seven, then mum married another man who was mega abusive, like my uncle who we are not allowed to discuss or she will whack me round the head with the frying pan. Then there was the dream of being an actress that got me through it all, but we couldn’t afford the lessons so I just put on performances in my kitchen, oh and there is the bullying. The soul-destroying bullying from the monsters at the all girls school my mum persisted to take me too. What? What part of the bullying stood out most? I guess I remember one time a group of girls told me to lick the bottom of their shoe or they’d hang me over the balcony, which I obviously didn’t do so it resulted to the latter. It was completely humiliating and the bullying got worse, luckily they didn’t drop me and I didn’t break my neck or worse. However, I was bullied for the rest

of my years at that awful school until I left my mother and moved to London to my dads. That didn’t end well, stepmom hated me, told me I was wasting my life trying to be an actress and needed to focus on an academic career, which I didn’t do and cut a long story short; things went really bad, my relationship with my dad was destroyed and I became ‘difficult’ so he stuck me in a home for mentally ill people. I did try committing suicide yes but not because I was ‘attention seeking’ like he told the nurses. He didn’t know the stuff I had been through, the way men forced themselves on me because the industry is completely and utterly fucked up. I went to drama school afterwards, this was after I had lived back with my mother for a few years, then my drama teacher at college paid for my auditions and I got in, turns out I was pretty good, good enough for a scholarship, just as well really. Things got real bad again, depression took over, men were lousy fleabags that wanted to prey on young talent and ever since then I have been unable to maintain relationships and be smiley, happy and positive; as mother dearest explains I should be. So yeah, that is why I am here now, with you lot...Am I angry with life? Obviously. Who isn’t? What even is life?

Sounds like I’m trying to be some philosopher or something but I genuinely want you all to ask yourself what is your theory and philosophy of life? A philosophy of life is an overall vision or attitude toward life and the purpose of it; it is trust me, I got it off google. So what is yours? Mine? What is mine? Well, I have a few. So part of me does believe the facts. Life on Earth began more than 3 billion years ago, evolving from the most basic of microbes into a dazzling array of complexity over time. Then theres the other theories of Adam and Eve, us evolving from monkeys and all the other religious beliefs and other theories but, feel free to call me crazy like everyone else does, I don’t really tend to focus on facts.

One of my theories, is that we are in a game. We are in a game controlled by these beings or aliens or whatever else and they are testing us. Every day they are testing our strength, our ability to survive and if we can get through each stage of the game. The first stage; being birth, the second being childhood, third could be starting school, seventh could be starting college, then later university, first breakup etc. Each stage is different for each person. It depends on your life. The controllers of this game also throw stuff at us, stuff that could damage us or break us. Think of it as an athletics race - you are running along the track (the track being life) and there are suddenly hurdles that you have to jump over (the hurdles being tough times and events that could damage or try and break you). The controllers of life want to test you to your very limits and see who can make it to the end of the track, alive and strong.

I think that essentially everything is out to test us and challenge us, it’s similar to the story with rats, only the strong survive and it’s true because it’s like moving on a chess board, one wrong move and you’ll feel like your out. I think we’re lied to continuously by hierarchy’s governments medicinally and already made to feel like we’re at a disadvantage. Nothing in this life seems easy to us: money, love, society. It almost feels like there’s a higher force at play but I think it all leads to the fact that as a species we need to grow and adapt. We need to realise that all the things we ‘want’ aren’t necessarily the things we need and since we’ve arrived, we’ve destroyed the planet we live in. We’ve ruined land, sea habitats, other countries and my point earlier about only the strong survive...perhaps it’s not that at all. Perhaps it’s the weak? Perhaps it’s being ignorant to the world around you? Perhaps the strong realise that they don’t want to play a part in a sinking ship. Yeah yeah, I know, a load of shit, but it is what I believe in, or at least thats what I tell myself to get through this darkness that runs through my veins and forms a huge black cloud of jumbled up shit in my head.

Why are you all staring at me? I was complimenting you, I said the weak survive, therefore you are technically strong for surviving and therefore resulting in you being here in this suicide support group, being inspired by others stories and inspiring others to survive. To live. I guess that is my answer about what life is.

What do I remember about my childhood? Hold on, next question is what made you happy? When did the sadness fill me up and burn a gaping big hole in my soul? Blah blah blah. Got ya. I always loved Scooby doo when I was young. The other day I felt so down I didn’t want to leave my bedroom, so I turned on the tele and Scooby Doo was playing, oddly I know, they still play that kind of stuff? Anyway, when watching it I realised that it teaches us something valuable. Something important. It teaches us the darkest most dangerous of monsters are human. Now we shouldn’t be that monster under any circumstance. No matter how much someone pisses you off and gets under your skin... don’t be a monster. Find another way to deal with the situation and also, don’t let a monster make you feel so low you don’t want to get out of bed, or continue that job, or continue chasing that dream of yours. Don’t let that monster make you feel as though you have no self- worth.

Although, personally, I’ve found the darkest most dangerous monster of all is the one that’s inside your head. The monster of the dark I call it. Now, I never used to know why exactly but stars and planets and the moon are my all-time favourite things. I’ve always loved astrology and always been fascinated in the galaxy. I always loved laying on my trampoline staring at the stars and it was one day when I was on the absolute edge and was sitting on west hill at night time feeling at my all time low, that I thought to myself .... I need to find the stars and place them in my mind, and it is those stars that break that monster of the dark and overcome it. I thought to myself maybe if I slowly find those stars, those things that add light to my soul, eventually the light would overcome the dark. Of course, that’s easier said than done obviously. If only it was that easy right. I strongly believe you use those bad things that happened to you and channel them and use it to help others. Do anything you can to make this world a better place, more liveable. After all, we need it now more than ever right? I guess what I am saying, is I’m glad I survived and didn’t take my life. I’m glad I am here, yes even on the bad days and it makes me proud seeing others survive too.

I mean, if it wasn’t for that arsehole doing what he did to me, I wouldn’t be sat here in this support group with a £20,000 cheque to keep his dirty name silent. Yeah, that was an unexpected twist to the dark tale of my life. The very few that know about the cheque I got two days ago, ask why I would ever take the money. I guess it’s because I know the justice system is fucked and he’d have walked free anyway, regardless of whether I stand up in court and tell them what he did. So, when him and his lanky wife dressed head to toe in her designer gear, turned up outside my apartment offering me money in return for my silence, I thought why not take the money and leave. I will just go far away and start over where no one knows my story. That’s exactly what I am going to do, I just thought I’d pop by to at least one of these meetings first. It was on the way to the train station anyway and curiosity got the better of me. Nice to meet you all though, I brought some donuts, vegan ones just incase. Donuts solve everything right? Thats what my nan used to say.

Blue, a petite girl with long black hair and pale skin, sits at the chair and stares blankly at the group. She is wearing an oversized jumper, black flared trousers and an overly large backpack is by her feet. The room is filled with people of mixed ages, genders and wealth. The group all share one thing in common; the sadness they feel inside and the will to survive. The discussion is led by Alison, a volunteer who aims to inspire others to find the light inside, a lady with the kindest soul. She smiles kindly at the group. Blue gets up, signs her name to mark her attendance in the black notebook that sits on the side and leaves an envelope addressed “For Alison” with £2000 inside and a note saying “Thanks for trying to help the damaged, much love, Blue x”.