Lies of My Past

I was a liar—a big one. Not because I wanted to be but because it was easier that way. People didn't want to hear my truth. Most of them would instead have believed that I was alright, and all was well with my world because then they didn't have to do shit. Humans always seemed to want to take the easy route, in my former opinion, probably because "the easy route" means less mental stress and less physical work. Here is an example that should help me illuminate this to you: a few years ago, while attending university, I was in a deep depression, and like your average learner, I tended to struggle with keeping up with the workload of multiple courses. Which meant my homework didn't always get done when it needed to be. So I often found myself lying to professors in hopes of getting a second chance of finishing whatever needed to be completed, and it usually worked. There was this one time, in particular, where I had procrastinated past a due date; when I went to the professor's office to ask for more time, I lied and said I was under a lot of stress and was sorry for the inconvenience it would cause her, my professor, of turning in late work if she allowed me to submit it.

Now there was truth in that statement, I was sorry, and I was stressed, but I majorly downplayed the stress, and that, to me, was still lying. I thought it would be fine if it were a one-time thing, but it wasn't. I did this shit all the time back then, and I hated that I did. When I did tell the truth, it felt like it got older a lot faster versus when I didn't speak the truth. My reasoning for this was because "truth" translates to "work" and "effort." It takes a shit ton of guts to go to your professor and say that you're really struggling and can barely make it out of bed in the morning because it is so much easier to sleep your problems away than deal with them. The hard part doesn't end there either. Your instructor then has to make the difficult choice of if they are going to help you out or not. And most of them, I imagine, would help you, but they might not put a whole lot of effort into that help. Why, because more than likely they have a full load in their work-life, God knows what is going on in their personal life, and this creates a shit ton of extra work for them. They're human, and they need a break too. The same honest excuse tends to annoy people solely for the fact that it is a constant. It is that same unsolved problem that needs to be dealt with, and when the solution is nowhere in sight, things tend to get gloomy. This is when most people turn on their metaphorical night light and say, "Oh, A SOLUTION! I can see again, it's not the sun, but it will work for me." The only problem with that is not everyone's nightlight fits into everyone else's' wall jack. That is the way it was, in my case, at least.

I always felt that I was left with the option of packing my bags and looking for help elsewhere or making up shit to get out of whatever situation I had gotten myself into. More often than not, I chose to make up shit for two reasons. One, because I didn't want to be labeled as the girl who couldn't be fixed #problemchild #broken, and two, because it was easy. However, in more recent times, I am finding that although hard, honesty elicits not the quick fix response one wants but the long-term solution one needs to succeed. So, here I am, a senior at university. One who struggles with depression from time to time. One who doesn't always get their work done on time. But, one who has learned that being open and honest with others will help them achieve their goals. My years of lying make for a colorful past, yet my newfound understanding of hard work, dedication, and commitment make for a bright future.