Lie

I used to be happy, adventurous, and fearless, but I don't know what has happened to me now. I suddenly lost interest in everything. I do not know when or how it happened, but I do know that something has consumed me and tries to kill me.

Every day of my life, a struggle with my mind and body. My mind tells me that there is something wrong with my body when in fact it is not. So why am I feeling these physical symptoms that do not make any sense? Symptoms that make me want to stay in bed curled up and isolate myself for hours, not talking to anyone and everyone. It scares me nowadays.

“It doesn’t make any sense!”I said, “I used to be so outgoing, so lively.”

“But nothing is interesting about your life either way.” says the person in front of me.

My mind is constantly racing with thoughts. Thoughts that make me feel like I’m just a ghost overlooking my own life. Sometimes, I feel like I am not real.

“Everything is not real,'' she said, “It never is. It just feels like life is just passing by.”

It has been a long time since I can remember the time I was happy. I look at everyone around me and wish that I would just feel good like them

“But I don’t understand why people around me are cheerful!”, I proclaimed.

She is speechless for a moment. No words are coming out from her mouth. However, from deep inside of me, I wanted her to say something, something encouraging for once, so I can keep my head up high. So I just cry because I am frustrated.

“Please refrain from crying,” she blurted, “Everyone will hear you.”

“O-kay,” I replied as I am wiping my tears away with my hands.

I try to tell myself that I will feel better when I wake up in the morning, but it never happens. I try to heal myself, but it just isn’t working. I repeat to myself that “I am fine” multiple times a day, but this voidness inside of me keeps pulling me away. Sometimes, it feels like I have no purpose in life like I am just sitting and waiting to die and time goes so slowly. It almost feels like I am dead.

“I see,” she said as she is smirking at me, “So, what have you been pondering about right now?”

“Why does it matter to you anyway.” I replied,” It’s not like you have something nice to say.”

She never says anything good to me. She always corrects me and reminds me of all the mistakes I did. Her words make me feel worthless and lifeless. Maybe she is the reason why I

“Let me guess,” she said, “Are you being suicidal right now?” she laughed sarcastically.

Yeah right, you “guess”.

“No, it is nothing like that.” I replied, “It’s just I’ve been feeling so motiveless lately.”

I literally can not sleep with this feeling. I lay awake for hours until my body or my mind can’t stay awake anymore. I used to sleep all the time because that is when I would get relief from these feelings, but not anymore. I wake up to the same hell, the same feelings every day. It is a struggle and a burden to hold on to. A struggle to get through the day. I look at my old photos when I was still so innocent. I wanted to feel better so badly. I try to explain to people, but they do not understand me at all. I feel so alone, except for her. She’s been with me for all those times, but she’s changed. Really changed.

“Did you still remember when you were doing your piano recital last week?” she asked as she was laughing, “ You really messed it up. I mean, what were you thinking, the next Mozart.” she added, “To be honest, you are not that good.”

That’s it, I have enough of her.

“Why are you so hateful towards me!” I snapped “We’re supposed to work together, encourage each other, not hating!” I paused to gasp some air. “What did I ever do to deserve this?”

She always discourages me in everything that I do. She is the reason for these weird feelings I’ve been having lately. I want to get away from her, but I cannot. Probably, She and I are destined. She always tells me lies about myself of how I am not “good enough”, but the worst thing is I believe in her because she’s been with me for the longest time. I’m caught in her lies.

“Just so you know, you can’t be free from me,'' she replied smirking.

Knock. Knock. Knock.

My mother enters my room without any hesitation or any of my permission needed. She looks at me worriedly and says,

“Oh dear, your recital is in thirty minutes and all you did was stare at your mirror!”

I didn’t reply to her. I couldn’t. I know she won’t understand that an overgrown lie is trying to swallow me.

“There is no time for crying, now,” my mother added as she patted my shoulder and left my room.

I knew it. No one can ever understand me. I feel so alone. I need someone to save me. To save me from this feeling. I tried to run away, but it still continues. I wanted to bring back my smile, my happiness, and my life. Then, I heard a whisper saying,

“So, are you going to do the recital?” she asked me with a smile like she already knows my answer.