Leaving an abusive relationship

I just left my abusive husband. I am sitting in the same Disney Princess shirt I’ve worn all week as I prepared to leave him. I have no idea which garbage bag my clothes are dumped. I fled that fast. I’ve washed my hair with hand soap because the same can be said about my shampoo. I don’t know where anything is at all.

The relief that I feel is overwhelming. I feel like I am a hot mess but I am free. I put my hand on my heart, I am still breathing.

Many other women before (and after me) cannot say that about their abuser. Many also lose their life. I am acutely aware of that truth.

The main question I have heard on repeat- why did you stay for so long? Let me tell you the Gods honest truth- I stayed because leaving is hard. The obstacles insurmountable. Add in the fact that the moment you flee, you stare down your own death.

It’s a weight I would not wish for my fellow sisters and even brothers, as some men are also abused. My biggest obstacle was the false promises of people who offered to get me out. For some reason- they reneged.

For my part- money was my biggest issue. How do you leave when everything is in the abusers name? No car, he owns the title. I made 9 bucks an hour when I knew I had to break free. It took me 5 years to get to that point of even being able to leave.

My first betrayal, I had an adopted grandmother who offered to pay off my student loan when I graduated. This promise was quickly revoked upon graduation. Her reasoning- she believed I need to understand the complexities of life. Somethings are not handed to you. Her choice not to help a woman in an abusive relationship kept me there longer.

My advice, never say, why hasn’t she left yet? You, very well, could be the reason why she stays. I would’ve been able to leave faster if I didn’t have this massive bill weighing on my shoulders.

My other mistake was trusting someone who knew just how bad things were, she said would help me get promoted to make a livable wage. I busted my butt, working overtime every week to save money. This friend promised to help me, she heard countless stories, raw vulnerable moments of my life and abuse. Instead, she laid down the hammer of my current career. I had to start all over again.

I know my fault, I trusted the wrong people. When battling an abusive person, you are blinded to the truth— the only person to get you out is yourself.

This is not a small feat. When leaving an abusive partner, the very gates of hell will combine against you. Finding the strength and resolve is a challenge when the verbal abuse is your constant. Breaking free is hard labor and all of it is the very fight for your life. The hardest reality I had was the realization- never ask why it took a person so long to leave. If you are not going to help, then get out of the way.

The best help I got was when I opened up to my mother how bad things were, she didn’t judge or try to solve the issue. She said, what do you need? Anytime I discussed with her the next step of my plan, she listened and enlisted help. We kept the circle tight, for my protection.

For every betrayal you face when leaving an abusive spouse, there will be someone who will come to your aid. The trick is discerning who will be there for you and will stand in your way.