Learning To Redefine My Recovery

Two years ago, I relapsed; even saying this now feels like a failure and a win at the same time. But when it happened, it felt like the end of the world. Like everything I had built had crumbled and meant nothing, shame, guilt, and hopelessness are how they made me feel, and for a while, they made me wonder if I was still worthy to write and work in mental health.

I remember thinking, "Fu@k me, how did I end up here again?" But now I can say with my whole heart: relapse didn't ruin my recovery—it redefined it. How?

Back then (pre-relapse), I saw mental health as a mountain to conquer. Healing felt like a checklist: if I had enough therapy, enough mindfulness, and staying "strong," I'd be cured. I thought setbacks meant failure, and now I know this approach is not sustainable or kind. So when I relapsed, I didn't just stumble. I felt like I lost my identity as someone who was "getting better and working in mental health."

But relapse taught me what recovery looks like. It's not a straight line or tidy timeline. It's messy, layered, and personal. Sometimes, it takes falling to learn how to rise more authentically.

I didn't get up right away. I gave myself time to sit with what happened—not to punish myself, but to understand. I began asking new questions. Not "What did I do wrong?" but "What pain was I trying to soothe?" and "What support was I missing?" That curiosity opened the door to compassion—and compassion gave me the space to grow.

Since then, my relationship with my mental health has transformed. I no longer see myself as a project to fix. I'm a person to care for—especially in hard moments. When I struggle, I don't bury it or bulldoze through it. I pause, check-in, and ask what I need. Sometimes it's reaching out. Sometimes, it's rest. Sometimes, it's just reminding myself I'm not broken. I'm human.

I also learned the power of building sustainable supports and re-focusing on the things and people who build me up instead of people who choose to just see me for my diagnosis and challenges. Before, I tried doing everything alone, but healing doesn't happen in isolation. I leaned into peer support, opened up in therapy, and let people see the real, unfiltered me. By being real, I've deepened connections, built trust, and let myself receive the help I deserve.

Most importantly, I've learned that relapse isn't the opposite of recovery—it's a part of it. Every setback has given me insight, tools, and empathy for myself and others. When I see someone struggling, I don't judge or try to fix it. I listen. I sit with them. I let them know they're not alone. That's what I needed then—and what I try to offer now.

Today, I move through life with more grace. I still have hard days. But I don't fear them like I used to. I know I can get through them—because I have before, and I have learned that resilience isn't about being tough. It's about being gentle when we're hurting. It's about getting back up in ways that feel real—not for anyone else's timeline or expectations.

If you've relapsed or are in a hard place, please hear this: You're not a failure. You're not back at square one. You're learning. You're growing. You're allowed to take your time.

Healing isn't linear. Neither is strength. And sometimes, the most powerful thing we can do is keep going, even when it's messy or slow. Every step forward—even the shaky ones—still counts.

And that's the kind of strength I carry with me now.

Realistic Tips for Talking to Yourself With Compassion

• Use "Still" statements instead of "I can't do this," try "I'm still learning how to handle this." The word still honors your effort and leaves room for growth.
• Name What You're Feeling, Not Who You AreSay "I'm feeling overwhelmed right now" instead of "I'm a mess." This small shift separates your identity from the moment.
• Practice the 'Best Friend Test'If a friend told you they relapsed, what would you say? Say that to yourself. Chances are, you'd be kinder than your inner critic.
• Use Grounding PhrasesTry: "This is hard, but I've survived hard things before." Or "This moment doesn't define me. My next step does."

Sometimes, relapse isn't about a lack of willpower—it's about conditions.

• Medication Changes or Ineffectiveness: Your brain chemistry can shift, and what once worked might not.
• Sleep Deprivation or Chronic Stress: These can destabilize even the strongest recovery routines.
• Trauma Triggers: Sometimes, the body remembers what the mind tries to forget.
• Lack of Support or Access to Care: Isolation, financial barriers, or gaps in treatment access can set the stage for relapse.
• Unaddressed Co-occurring Conditions: Anxiety, ADHD, PTSD, or physical health issues can impact your ability to manage other areas of recovery.

Sometimes, something surfaces in your recovery—like an undiagnosed mental health condition or an experience you didn't realize was traumatic—and it can hit harder than expected. When that happens, it's not a failure. It's a new layer to work through, and it can shift how we cope, what support we need, and how our recovery unfolds.

None of these are your fault—but understanding them can help you be kinder to yourself and advocate for the care you need and in oother words relapse is not cut and dry.

Relapse didn't break me—it woke me up. It taught me that recovery isn't about never falling again; it's about learning how to rise with more honesty, softness, and support. If you're navigating a setback, you're not off track—you're uncovering new truths about what healing takes. Keep going at your pace, with your heart open. You're not back at square one. You're exactly where you need to be to grow forward.

Helpful Resources

Recovery 101: A Guide from SMART Recovery Toolbox: https://smartrecovery.org/toolbox

Therapist Aid. (n.d.). Relapse prevention plan [Worksheet]. TherapistAid.com. https://www.therapistaid.com/therapy-worksheet/relapse-prevention-plan

The Recovery Capital Workbook by William White – A free resource on building strengths and supports

Peer Support Canada – Connects people with lived experience who can walk beside you in your recovery: https://peersupportcanada.ca/