Learning to Love Yourself

I have a story to share, though it’s not as exciting or hopeful as I once wished it would be. Now that I’m older, I often look back and ask myself: Where did I go wrong? What could I have done differently? Was it just meant to be? Can my life still change?

I had so many dreams, yet deep inside, there was always a sadness, a loneliness that frightened me. I liked to be alone, to lose myself in thoughts, it was so difficult to be with others. Only much later did I begin to understand what it was that I was experiencing.

After school, I studied computer software—right at the beginning of the computer revolution. Later, I went on to teach people of all ages and walks of life. At the time, I didn’t think to be proud of that. But now, looking back, I realize it was one achievement worth holding onto, because I was battling with a huge problem at the same time. It feels too late… after I let life slip past me, not holding onto my self worth, my achievements. Not that I am that old, but it sure feels like it. Was it my choices? Or that hidden sadness inside me I didn’t know how to fight? I still wonder. I still try.

Major depression, they told me I was suffering from. Eventually I knew, and I wasn't alone, many others were in similar pain, though a very small sense of relief had washed over me momentarily, I soon after started to panic as I also came to learn, thats it not the easiest illness to fight.

I loved my work, sometimes pushing myself to 70+ hours a week from a very young age, it kept my mind off things. I did however avoid much social contact. I analyzed every word said to me, took it too personally, too sensitively—it wore me out. So I retreated. Books, movies, crochet became my companions. Oddly enough, I was happiest then, when I was alone. In truth, I still am that way. Isolated, they say.

I had my share of relationships, some ending painfully, others leaving me numb, and a few that were deeply shocking. Each time, I retreated more and more. I blamed myself. I grew to dislike myself.

I did see many specialists, but I didn’t know how to put the work in for myself. I still struggle with that. People say: “You need to learn to love yourself too. Someone has to take care of you too.” But somehow, everyone else always came first. They still do.

If I knew then what I know now, I would have done everything in my power to learn to love myself in the right way. To care for myself. To seek fulfilling relationships, both in work and in love. To not waste precious time arguing or fighting for others’ love and acceptance. To realize that this precious gifts are first built within, not forever seek for them in others.

It's truly difficult just to say 'if I had done that ...', 'then I would have this now....'. I do have healthier mindset now, I know a small path that will show me some light, but its really hard work.

It has bought me more confidence and peace, even understanding, that I hold everthing that I need with me.

If I had loved and cared for myself first, I could have given everyone who passed through my life a healthier, happier version of me.