“Kidz are Lonesome” - an article for activism

During one of my times in the psych ward I was trying to invent a campaign or foundation or organization called “Kidz are Lonesome” in hopes to bring mental illness in children into the light. My idea of “mental children lack self validation” comes from my own personal past and by wanting to advocate for those little people out there who are suffering in silence or don’t understand the issues pressuring them into an unfamiliar state. These unfamiliar states resembles darkness and deep sadness. With even more than that. As a young adult I’m still scared to be sullen so it’s no joke that I want to protect the younglings from these dark despairs. Dark despairs that are unfair to anybody but are more agonizing and aggressive to accept the matter that little ones feel any of the such.

It’s impossible to completely prevent children from falling into mental illness especially due to the fact many, most, maybe even to the extreme extent of all are born with mental illness. Due to a little piece of my old writings that I called: “Prenatal Blues” which basically explained the idea behind the mental toll during pregnancies whether it be that the fetus is listening to its mother’s surroundings just as how the mother will rub their belly and speak to the fetus it is more than possible that the fetus is listening and witnessing other things. Lets say for instance the pregnant mother watches the daily news. Are the scary happenings being told not only scaring, upsetting or causing stress to the pregnant woman let alone causing fear to the fetus in ways where they still are born with these mental health issues?

Or maybe it starts from this newborns very first day of being born. I mean it’s possible that since many parents and then their families don’t introduce themselves right away to their newborn baby that then this newborn is confused to the matter of who are they surrounded by. Usually some won’t know who they even are until maybe a later age but I believe that not knowing who they are surrounded by forms a set of loneliness that can very easily be prevented. I mean babies are in a technical way ‘verbally handicapped’ I call it that because as though they can not speak right away it does not and never will mean that they are mentally handicapped. Just meaning that despite the matter that these beings don’t or well more so can’t talk for a time period in which all they have is their thoughts and their inner reactions towards their surroundings does not mean that their automatic thoughts aren’t happening. Which should scare so many of us into the point where we engage in conversation to children like they are smart because these children really are. If only our memories could reveal our thoughts and feelings from day one. If that were possible then many would try and attempt to make their child’s life a little easier. Instead of allowing their child to suffer in the same ways they did.

It’s just so strange to me how there is so many people out there that have mommy and/or daddy issues that simply don’t understand the burden behind being a child versus the burden of being a parent. Like me for instance because I had neither. Both parts are tough whether being the parent that doesn’t want their child to misbehave or by being the child that hates their parents for creating them and placing them in this hateful world. It’s neither parties fault for those things arising. I mean when a child misbehaves it’s usually nothing completely personal I say this out of personal context but rather it could be a cry for help, a call for attention or an issue stating that is who they are and that they are upset from being that way. Now for a mother or a father to be hated by their own child is really sad and upsetting but there are so many factors to this. One being the matter that either to maybe even both parents hate them self and maybe dislike their partner and create a child by “mistake” that then is the creation of love but does not receive that love because their existence is routed in hate. The second matter is when a parent flees from doing their job as a parent because they are either insecure, hate them self, and would probably be a shitty parent if they stayed around so instead they would prefer not to be around in that child’s life just for that child to be resentful towards their parents for those same reasons. The third matter is behind the idea of masculinity and feminine qualities.

As we all know everyone is built with feminine and masculine qualities due to the fact our existence comes from heterosexual relations so just meaning how one “man” & one “woman” come together to create life these brand new lives are basically bisexual alongside the rest of the human race. Well not sexual for all cases but still in the middle of that spectrum we as people contain both qualities and I assume that’s an actual reason of why some are ever against gay marriage and such (I’m not against it at all but because I was raised in an all woman home what I’m about to state is only a statement and not my beliefs) that children regardless of gender need their father figure just as much as they need their mother figure. Unfortunately some either get one to neither and some privileged get both or even some get one or the other.

It’s important to face the fact of why some would rather abort these possible life or else they could have been neglected beings. So in the mind of someone who had unprotected sex and ended up pregnant they made a bitter choice to abort rather than to give up their child to adoption or foster care because that child’s life would be in ruins if they had been kept to a family that could ever possibly reject them and make them feel unwelcome or by being given a way then feeling from not knowing their birth parents and then later on not knowing them self and having identity issues or abandonment issues from being set aside and coming from a broken home. Or even the fact that abortions happen because these women or their partners know they can’t love or protect or care for a child that if they had kept it these children would either be abused or completely neglected to the point that any child would be suicidal at an age younger than a socially accepted time frame so in my mind in cases like that I do agree with abortion. To an obvious limit.

That’s bad to say (the agreeing with abortion thing). But when you look into the life of a broken one it may be safe to say that a child that does not wish to have been born or doesn’t wish to live life long enough to know any of its sorrows. I know this because when you face hard reality at an early age you begin to clue things together and understand your feelings, struggles, and traumas to the point where you may become overly logical to pretty much most things. That’s my case. It’s my main reason of why I’m passionate about saving the young ones. I know the stress of being uncertain of whether or not things will get better or how to accept life as it is. Here is the thing... we don’t need to accept life as it is because life as it is is a place full of hate and hurt. What kind of dark twisted idea is it that we shouldn’t keep working towards building peace and eliminating the bad stuff?

“Kidz are Lonesome” is a massive movement ‘not’ in the making but certainly is on the surface of getting there one day... some day. I’m not 100% sure of how to get it there. I mean I’ve made quotes, I’ve designed a logo and I’ve expressed myself on this topic for far too long. I’m just not sure on where can I build and set up this yet to be organization/foundation/campaign. I’m very new to all of this so maybe this topic can possibly be all three and the movement will go so forward that nothing in its grasp will ever get left behind. That’s why I express in this article what I’m doing, why I’m doing it and why I need more support whether morally or financially more of it is needed and will always be appreciated in matters where the benefits of satisfaction prompts me to fulfill my will on this one.

Children are small and maybe naive to the “real world” but they are smart. They are human beings after all and I suppose if a child is not all that smart then an incline from their previous days needs to be looked into. I mean when do most people assume insecurities and doubt starts to form in ones life? Their earliest days resembles their most quiet days and there is no lingering off about it...these things are created in a person’s earlier days. The days they can’t remember and the days they don’t wish to. The days they had to go through wondering who people in their surroundings were and even not having a clue about who they or how they are in existence.

Originally “Kidz are Lonesome” was a bullying campaign I wanted to create. Since October 5, 2017 but I never completed it. I connected the idea that: “culture says nothing about innate feelings towards others, society, and self or at least it shouldn’t be this bad.” A true issue on why I wanted to create this thing is because of the matter of “what goes on inside of the mind of someone that bullies themself?” Which is tough to understand because many are not open on discussing their personal turmoil but that’s why I’m here. Maybe explain life and life troubles and see where that takes my audience into understanding their lives a bit more and maybe get on the road to healing rather than to continue on destroying what’s there. For this campaign/foundation/organization I am trying to bring to life the idea that “loners found in anybody should be worrisome” because once you get into the depths of someone’s inner life and see for yourself why they are that way you might get scared at the fact of how much a person can be carrying.

Also to say “being shy is not an excuse to leave someone out” as when I was a child so many considered me as a “shy girl” when really it was more than that and when I finally got older and reflected on my life I realized I wasn’t only shy but socially unaware, socially anxious, socially awkward, and not exactly set up the way my peers were so I was a bit behind on my personality which made it difficult and it ever still does makes it difficult to interact with others. Some days it’s more scary than others to not know how to interact or be socially there. Some days I’m okay with not being as set up because I’m in a state of fear so I hide away from the world. I have this fear inside of me that makes me believe that my hardships and insecurities in my current life do come from when I was small. When I was small I truly had no moral support or emotional support or for the most of it any kind of “if you hurt yourself I’d be so upset” person in my life. It still drags on that kind of negligence to my current every day life. I suck at relationships because of it.

I guess I should get personal in this soon because if I don’t I don’t think anybody will truly understand why I’m attempting to reach out, help teach to better the lives of people I don’t know, and why topics like this need to be alarming to all of us. Due to domestic violence I was put up for care but ended up getting adopted. It wasn’t a closed adoption so I was able to still see my family on an amount of times a year. (Lucky me right? *no not really*) The inconsistency of being around my three siblings and my birth mom dropped me into a state of feeling unwanted. Never intentionally but you know with the way life goes those feelings still grasped into existence. My existence and it stuck. It sticks to my insecurities and my doubts. So I guess that’s considered having trauma.

My childhood trauma turned me suicidal at a young age. (Any age is young and not acceptable but I mention this for alarming purposes.) The first time I considered suicide I was nine years old. I didn’t know what mental illness was but I was sure close with the idea of negligence and being emotionally neglected. The first time I tried to commit suicide I was 17 and I was in a broken, damaged, distraught state of mind. I had no one to be open with about my issues because my life is a tiny bit different than others and my struggles didn’t make any sense until after this first attempt. The last time I tried to end my life I was 19. Still in a broken and distraught state of mind. With eight suicide attempts before my last I kept being saved from ending my life but without the concept of “keep me alive and help keep me there” aspect of it all. So I felt every time I was spiritually saved I was only being saved for selfish purposes. That might be terrible to say but I grew up without anybody caring about me. I didn’t have friends, acquaintances or even my family or my “forever family” to be there for me morally or emotionally. Maybe they tried but it was not enough.

I’m sad about it all at an ever still and an ever at all kind of way. The lack of moral support I received as a child only breaks me down more and more as an adult. I’m a young adult and my social skills are weak and my attitude is off and my personality is lost. Who’s to blame other than my caregiver or guardian or whoever it wants to be called from being the reason I was not properly trained in my younger days. The lack of nourishment I received only follows me into my current day life and by all means may linger on into my future if I don’t act fast and self therapy myself. It’s a major error and because of emotional negligence I’m the way I am right now because I was never taught to care about myself or what self love meant or had been shown by those people around me that my life mattered to anybody. It’s scary to be in this realm of confusion and this state of being behind on my years.

This is why I want to help save the young people. To help prevent them from falling behind in life in the ways I did or in their ways that is out of their control. I was overly sheltered as a child/teen but that did not stop me from dropping out of high school, getting into drugs, and doing other illegal things. Those things aren’t and were never an act of rebellion or an act of acting up. More so it was my way to cope in certain ways whether healthy or not and by trying life on my own I was caught in an issue of being lost and confused at what was right and what was wrong at the time.

In my heart I just want to save the world. (A bit of a far fetched idea but I’m still attempting to try this out.) I want to protect the people from individual personal turmoil although I can’t personally reach all and each individual I do this article with love in my heart and for peace to be shared in that ways where people will learn to know the truth and the truth is: although we blindly live through our days we have a voice & life that matters and is ever precious/important/needed/respected. If you feel as though your life is not…well I’m here to say you are wrong and that you can prove to yourself that your troubled past does not define your current & future self.

Just the matter that negligence, abuse, and being shown lack of love & care are nothing on the beings fault in which they are troubled but rather they are the target of being manipulated due to their vulnerability. Vulnerability is no one’s fault. Sometimes the situation is based off of the dependency a child has on the adult in the care giving seat that does not actually “care” but they’re still there raising this child into an older version of themselves that surely will have issues concerning their pasts in their futures. Now because of the differences in individual beings stories or their inner life tales I say that it’s not hard to listen. And it’s not hard to stay moral and morally speaking to not to “write in pen” (meaning making permanent decisions for someone) for someone else’s story whether you’re that child’s parent or not it doesn’t give anyone the right to intervene or interfere with someone’s young life in hateful ways.

My true issue with dealing with this sort of optimism of reaching out and actually having those I reached out to to grab my point is that most of the time it doesn’t work or it’s a bit “too late” to do any of the saving that rests in my heart to actually put into action and be a settled manor for the universe. I’m always in a state where I need to ensure my attempts of saving happen even if it were to be saving only one person that is still “one” “less” person (“there’s gonna be one less troubled young one” *a Justin Bieber - one less lonely girl song reference* and even though that number is a speck of what I’d be aiming for it’s still one person that got help from what I was trying to do. And with that it makes me proud. Proud of myself and of my capabilities of helping others out.) I get strong urges to continue on with this “mission” so to call it but I always get afraid if it were to be all for nothing. Due to the fact that many don’t think being open about their troubles/issues/burdens/trauma or anything relevant will help them out. Which is actually so false because ‘honesty is the best policy’ and who knows maybe those dark truths being held in due to their insecurities of not being “sad enough” or having “too many” burdens sets them into an armour of loneliness which is something I try to advocate for. Because silence is scary and that’s coming from a young woman that knows and has lived in silence for a greater portion of their life.

My attempts of drawing out stigma in mental illness especially in young children and elderly folk resembles an issue that many don’t care about themselves/others and don’t realize how much that cause truly adds to the weights of living. The weights of living example for the amount of problems to global issues to personal troubles to all else things that are negative. It’s spiritually damaging to exist within these walls of terror. Whether from deliberate actions or from accidental intentions these problems stay on our horizon which only tears me apart more and more that I try to make this place a better one. My fears of not being good enough and all the more make me still begin a new focus. One that grabs the attention of those who may benefit from it or be one to help others benefit from it all. I mean we all have had a childhood to go through or maybe is still going through but my point being is that a “wasted adolescence” (<that was the name of a band I wanted! You know if I actually had friends to do that with.) is an adolescence that was wasted and can’t be brought back.

Whether the case be that you wanted to make more friends at school or through positive outlets OR to do fun school activities like clubs or sports OR have a highschool sweetheart OR get better grades OR even to just enjoy your youth at the time rather than whatever the case may be that prevented or stopped you from doing such things. My excuse is my mental illness and suicidal tendencies. I know I talk about it a lot but I only mention my story for those out there feeling alone on their path that are going down similar ones to mine. It really started in my younger days. (In my #BellLetsTalk article I mentioned having schizophrenia and I believe I was born with it but I bring this up because I never knew my condition until my later teens and once I figured out my life I understood my childhood traumas and despairs to the point I am able to mend from those things. Whether healthily or not I’m still coping. Still thriving and still able to plaster a smile across my face to ensure the fact that happiness/joy/peace are still on MY horizon.) in my younger days I got bullied at school and at home. I couldn’t do normal child activities because my mental health was on a lapse and I didn’t understand all of the hate in my heart. Most likely had been generated by others to me but when you feel such heavy wrongful feelings those feelings expand into your own feelings of yourself and pretty much terrorize you to a scary extent of not wanting to be alive and blaming yourself for every bad little thing because that’s the way you were treated by the people that are supposed to love and protect you from bad things that they had previously gone through.

I’m not saying to be perfect but really care about your peoples! Everyone has their own story but let’s be real here… not many are into talking about it or they say things like “watch what you say because people are only listening to use it against you” which breaks my heart into plenty of pieces since I’m all about being honest and blunt with what we say. It doesn’t mean to use it rudely or to even bash others through what is being said it’s only to get that pain out. In safe ways and to remember people care about you. Maybe not “everybody” but there is many hidden beings or “hidden lovers” that could hear your story out, proofread it and help edit the ending. I believe that’s all that we need is an edit to our stories because after all we are the ones writing the plot and are the ones ending up having to be living it.