Just Joshin' You

My husband passed in March of 2018. As a widow, you go into this state of unknown. You question how you will go on, try to deal with all your emotions and worry how to take care of your kids. You surrounded by people who say things like "I'm sorry for your loss" and "time will heal". At first, all you can do is smile and try to be polite because you know they mean well, but after time each sorry or quote about time makes you angry.

People come around, constantly. You have "events" like a viewing, a funeral, a celebrate life party, things of that nature. You see people you haven't seen in years, meet new faces, and get told stories that make you laugh then instantly make you feel horrible for laughing. You eat, something. Maybe even drink some wine. You can feel yourself going through the motions, even hear yourself responding to someone talking to you.. but in actuality you have no idea what is going on and each day, hour and minute are mushed together.

That's when he showed up. In the blur of my entire life feeling like it was caving, he walked up. He said something along the lines of "I was very close with your husband, we worked together, he saved my life. I can't imagine what you are going through, but if there's ever a time you'd like to just talk, share stories, ask questions, I'm here". In moments like this, you feel a bit of joy, like somehow by hearing stories about your deceased spouse, it makes his life last just a little longer. You want to inquire but you also don't know how much more you can actually take in. The man then proceeded to leave.

Within days, another event, more people, food, conversation and tears. The man appeared again, but this time it was more awkward. As he walked up to me, he placed his hand on my shoulder and allowed it to rub down my arm as he said "I am a single parent too, I know what you're going through and I really want to help". You ever have those moments where the hairs on the back of your neck instantly stand up? Not because you're cold, but because you're body is telling you- someone is here... and somethings not right. I had that moment right then. I walked away from that man and everything in my entire existence since then wishes I never saw him again... but that's not how his story ends.