IT'S THE LITTLE THINGS

There’s too many people in the hallway. Everyone is too loud. Shouting for no reason. It’s too much.

I keep my head down, and shuffle and weave in between everyone.

I just want to get to class, and get through the day.

I give a quick raise of the hand to greet the teacher, but don’t say anything. I make my way over to my desk as quickly as possible, open my computer and open the assignment.

But I can’t focus on it. It’s just a blur. Too much in my head. My thoughts are racing and jumping and rushing all over the place. It’s just chaos and noise.

I feel like everyone is looking at me.

I know they aren’t though. But still.

There’s just too much going on. Feel like I can’t communicate that great. I don’t feel like I speak English so good. Enough I guess. Can help translate for my table partner, so that’s good I guess. But I don’t feel like I ask good questions or understand as well as I should.

My hands are already shaking. I can’t focus on the assignment.

There’s just too much.

Therapist said to try and breathe when I start feeling this way.

Breathe.

Breathe.

Breathe.

Breathing too fast. Chest is starting to hurt.

Shaking more now. Feel like I’m going to cry.

Everyone is going to see.

That makes me want to cry even more.

I think the teacher noticed.

He is slowly walking this way.

Oh no.

He seems nice most of the time.

His voice can boom sometimes. And he doesn’t seem happy all the time. Can tell he has bad days too.

I’m shaking and can’t breathe right.

“Do you need to step out?”

The teacher says quietly, making sure no one else can hear.

I nod quickly, push my chair back and head to the door.

I make it a few steps and sink down to the floor and sit.

I just want to breathe and stop shaking, but I can’t.

Teacher steps out and sits down on the floor a few feet away from me. He looks at the wall on the other side of the hallway and doesn’t say anything.

I turn so he doesn’t see me start to cry silently. I can’t keep that in anymore. It’s embarrassing, but I can’t stop it.

He doesn’t say anything. He doesn’t pry and ask what’s wrong. He doesn’t lie and say everything is going to be okay. He just sits there and is present.

I finally stop crying, then turn so I’m facing the wall across from us too.

The silence keeps going until he asks “Do you need to get some water?”

I nod silently.

He nods and says “Okay. Just hurry back.”

I nod, get up, and walk down the hall to the water fountains.

It’s still quiet, which is nice, but the hallway seems so long.

At least there aren’t a bunch of people walking around.

I make it down to the water fountain, drink some water, and slowly walk back to class.

I start to worry that everyone saw me leave. Maybe they’re talking about me. I try my best to stop all those thoughts coming back.

I hesitate before knocking on the door. Part of me wants to run away, but I don’t think that would be good.

I knock and wait for the teacher to open the door.

He does, pushing the door open, and nods once welcoming be back to class. I shuffle back to my seat, feeling a little embarrassed, but no one is looking. They are all working on stuff and doing their own thing.

I sit down, start my work, and feel just a little bit better.