Ice-cream

I think I love ice-cream more than any other food in the world.

I was 7. My mum took me food shopping just before Christmas; I remember it was a really cold day with frozen snow on the ground. It was weeks old snow, all dirty and dusty, but still with the smell of winter in the air. I was wearing warm clothes but had forgotten my gloves on the radiator at home and kept thinking I lost them and mum will again get mad at me yell at me and hit me. We stop at several shops and met different people my mum talked to, all I was thinking about were my gloves, panicking in my head. Suddenly this man approaches me and hands me a chocolate ice-cream globe on a cone, my mum giggles and approves with a head nod. My world was in colours again, had a smile as big as a house. My favourite thing in the world! CHOCOLATE ICE-CREAM! Yes, it was winter, and cold, and no one else ate ice-cream, but who cared? I must have done something good if my mum rewarded me with ice-cream. I was so focused on licking my ice globe didn’t even listed to the conversation, didn’t care..the man walked with us. Boy, I sure wish I had my gloves as my hands were freezing on the cone but I’m not giving up! I’m sure I won’t see another ice-cream until summer comes. I’m nearly finished; my mum nudges me to “thank the lovely man for the ice-cream”. I mumble a thank you. He kneels and gives me a kiss on the cheek. Then gives my mum a kiss on the cheek and wakes away. Mum meets a friend after a few more minutes and laughs loudly with her, talking with her very happy and showing her friend the almost finished ice-cream in my hands and says “See, he even thought of her!”.

After I finished my ice-cream I found a used tissue in my pocket to wipe my frozen hands and mouth and looking at my red hands mum notices me and asked almost yelling as she was expecting a bad answer :

-Where are your gloves?? I shrug in my coat and raise my shoulders with puppy eyes (not that my puppy eyes ever worked on my mum).

Unexpectedly she lowers to my level and says:

-I forgive you for losing your gloves if you don’t mention to your dad the man that gave you the ice-cream. Don’t say anything no matter what!!! OK?

I agree at the thought that she won’t spank me for losing my gloves and forget about that day the moment we got home.

After about a week or so my dad wakes me up in the morning, he had just arrived from his night shift at work, both my parents worked in a steel factory. All I remember was his tired face, his eyes were moist and he looked very unsettled even though he wanted to seem calm and was smiling at me. Straight away he asks me If I ever saw my mum with a man. I said no. I was sleepy and didn’t even think about the answer. Then he asked me again on a louder tone if I’m sure of it and to think really hard. That someone told him a man bought me ice-cream and kissed my cheek. He was being louder and louder and was squeezing my arms really hard as I was still lying in bed. I understood this was serious and all I could think about was how bad my arms were hurting. I bursted in tears and screamed:

- YES!!YES!! When we went shopping a man bought me ice-cream and it was nice and mum said don’t tell you and I lost my gloves and I was scared and I’m sorry I ate the ice-cream and let the stranger kiss my cheek but he kissed mum’s cheek as well so I thought it’s ok. She said I shouldn’t tell you and I said fine because I know you said no taking sweets from strangers. I’m sorry daddy, I’m sorry! At this point I was crying loudly and he was squeezing me harder and with a scream lets me go and screams at the sealing:

-Fucking bitch!!!! Playing with me?!?!?!?! I’ll teach you a lesson!(he was talking about my mother). Pulls me out of bed and drags me over the floor so quick that my little feet couldn’t pick up the pace, all the way to the kitchen where my mum was sitting by the window trembling and smoking a cigarette. She was unsettled and had been crying.

-Fucking bitch! The child does not lie! You met him again! My brother in law was right in saying he saw you together, he saw you twice now, not only at night kissing but now you flaunt me by letting people see you during the day with my daughter???? He squeezes my arm even harder. I scream in pain. He looks at me with a crazy look on his face:

-You are a little liar just like your mother! He slams me into the wall by the arm and I scream in pain! You’ll become a little whore just like her!!! Lounges over the kitchen chair and hits mum’s head on the window. After that was a series of screams, shouting, struggles and my dad hitting my mum and my mum hitting my dad and shouting for the neighbours to call the police. The neighbours did not call the police as they were used to this behaviour from both my parents. They would fight badly and then make up. No one wanted to be trapped in-between. I was on the floor, covering my ears with my hands, crying and with my eyes closed was wising all this would be a bad dream and it would go away soon. Soon it passed…my dad left the house, my mum sobbing with a cigarette in her hand and mumbling threats of revenge about my dad.. I was mentally exhausted. Fell asleep on the kitchen floor. All the words mum and dad shouted to me to each other did not make any sense to me.. I did not understand them: cheating, bitch, fucking, didn’t know any of these words…All I did was eat an ice-cream…The rest of that day was blurred….

Next day my mum wakes me up in the morning before dad even came from his night shift and pulls me out of bed, drags me on the floor shouting:

-It’s your fucking fault! You should have never told him anything! Girls stick together, you never rat on your mother even if he kills you! And she slaps my face really hard! My lower lip is busted and a little blood drips on my hand. My face was numb, I was sleepy, I didn’t understand at all what was going on.. I start to scream at the sight of blood. She hits me even harder to shut me up, I’m going to wake up all the neighbours. I was petrified. All this for a lousy ice-cream…

She grabs my by the hands and squeezing me really hard she slams me back in bed:

-Not a word about this to your dad or else!!!! And NEVER, EVER AGAIN tell your dad anything about me!! I’m your mother and I can do ANYTHING to you! Understand?????

I nod my head in approval, still petrified and horrified. I still don’t know what was my mistake? Taking the ice-cream and not telling dad, or taking the ice-cream and telling dad… I think I was supposed to say no to the ice-cream.. that was the real test I failed.

-Now go back to sleep, he’ll be home soon and does not need to see you awake!! If he asked you about your lip just say you bit it! Understood??? (shouting). I nod and fall back asleep with tears still running down my cheek, feeling overwhelmed with fear and guilt. I dreamed on my grandmother’s hugs and kisses, of a world full with ice-cream and warm food, of silence and clean sheets. It took me years to understand why were my parents fighting about. I still don’t understand what I did wrong…must be the lost gloves. A! no ! found them that summer, they fell behind the radiator…bloody gloves, getting me in trouble…