I survived

2011 is when it started. I should have seen the signs but he was charming and handsome. It started out so normal, we would laugh and spend all of our time together. 2012 hits and I find out I’m pregnant. The worst time of my life. Not saying I wasn’t happy to be pregnant but the whole experience was horrible. The first time the abuse happened he tore my jeans, threw juice on me, called me ugly and fat. He apologized so I just took it as he really loved me so he was just super angry. Yeah I’m an idiot I know. Let’s fast forward to us moving into our first apartment together! We were super excited. Our son was so excited to finally have both his parents under one roof. But things took a turn. Now I don’t want to say names so I’ll call him Lenny. Lenny had a gambling problem and when he lost he took his anger out on whoever or whatever was in front of him. It started out with him breaking TVs, throwing glass, punching the walls. But then I became the tv and the wall. I remember him picking me up by my throat him. He kept slamming me over and over again. I was scared. I didn’t know who to tell or what to do. I remember crying the rest of the night. But I stayed. From that day on I experienced a broken wrist TWICE, a black eye 3 times and a fractured nose. Anytime I would go to the hospital I would have some bs excuse of how I fell, how my son accidentally threw a football and hit me in the eye or nose, the lies were just flowing out at this point. Then the worst day of my life came. It was a Monday and Lenny was gambling and drinking. The worst combo. I remember making a comment like “Please stop drinking” because he was extremely loud and my son was watching. I remember being punched in the face, I remember my nose bleeding, I remember him picking up a steel toe boot and getting ready to throw it at me. I remember the fear in my sons eyes as I grab him and ran out of the door with no shoes on. I remember calling the cops and them putting me in the back of an ambulance. I felt empty, embarrassed, hurt, scared, I felt like the worst mom in the world for putting my son in a situation like that. He was so scared and crying because he didn’t know what was doing on. If only I would have left after the first time he put his hands on me. I remember being asked by his mother “What was done to make him this angry”, I was so confused because what type of question is that? Why is it my fault?it seems like victims always get the blame. To this day I struggle to understand why I even stayed. I wasn’t happy, I wasn’t safe, this wasn’t a family I wanted. So why did I stay? To this day I’m finding myself still struggling to find ways to make my son understand that this wasn’t love and how love doesn’t hurt. I see many stories of women who didn’t make it. I picture my life ending just like that if I wouldn’t have gotten away that day. This man had a steel toe boot! I could have died if he would have hit me with it. I use my life experience as a way to become a stronger person. I continue to move forward, I continue to tell my story because I don’t want anyone going through this to feel alone like I did. I want to reach out to other females who have been in a domestic relationship. We aren’t victims, we are survivors.