I self destruct (knowingly)

27-10-2020

My story is about my life.

My Life, as a drug addicted, single father. I am 36yr old, and father to a beautiful 3yr old girl.

To get the insight needed, we need to go back. to when i was the age of just 16. I had moved out of my parents , ( against their advice). At this time, i met a wonderful young lady at tafe, I instantly became very interested in this . After no time at all, we both, along with her closefriend , had decided to get a small unit together. From day one, i wanted the girl i met from Tafe. I remember being instructed by both girls, that my room was to be the small area under the staircase, I was happy to accept this small space. Tho, from the first day of moving in together, this girl and i really hit it off. we later moved out into our own place, and soon found out we were pregnant.

I was so happy. I knew straight away wanted this child. And promised to do all i can to support and care for both mother, and soon to be eautiful baby girl.

Now we both drank and smoked weed, And while we were both terribly in love, luckily welcomed our second child, a baby boy, into the world. The following year, we also got married. We had fought a quite bit over the years, broke up & got back together, but never the less, we got married. I really thought this is my family, and we'll be together forever. But with having our children so young, and not going to parties and night clubs, I felt I was missing out on something in life. And tho I love my children more than words can say, I couldn't fill that empty void, a want to party, to do other drugs and see random women and travel around a bit. It regretably consumed me. It didn't matter how much I worked, or if I stayed home with the kids, I always felt like if I let these thoughts and wants go unfulfilled, before I know it, I'd be to old to live those ( cheeky teenage/young adult years of youth). In a way to lash out at my wife, I started taking ice. It helped, it filled the emptiness for a short while, then it only made my wants and desires worse. I then moved out, and in with some friends. Through those friends, I met a really beautiful young woman, i thought she'd be fun, and she was beautiful, and alsoavailable.

Before i knew it, we then after 6months together, had a beautiful boy together. And again, i felt the same clamped up feelings like im still missing out. I wanted to be a slut, sleep with heaps of woman. I wantedto do ice and weed , coke & fantasy and more. So I sabotaged that relationship also.

Then my mother took me back in, again, after I'd thrown it all away. I then got on the drugs more, stole from my brothers and sisters, resulting in loosing all their respect. I continued to party and self destruct.

Until I met her, the mother of my now 3yr old beautiful darling daughter. She already had 2 beautiful little girls, and her mother threatened to take them from her as shes unfit. So I got straight, realised here is my chance, to make things right, if not for my children, than for hers, and it was a success. And before we new it, we had our daughter.

But then my 3yr olds mother was only 25 herself, and had mostly lived at home and never been her own person or got out much. So she gave up on our relationship. It hurt me so bad, because not only was I finally ready to do it right, and commit, but we also had 3 angel girls between us. So I tried for as long as I could to keep us all together, but she just wouldn't. So when baby was 6 months old, I took fulltime care.

Now, after not having my own place, in overten years. And I had never been a single dad. I again, returned to my mums for my families help & support. While mum helped me get onto my feet, my step father made it quite difficult, I understand why he did, but through all this, I did it, I got help through The Starh Project Foundation, got a car and finally a lease on a unit, just for me and the kids. ose being my oldest son, to whom I'd only just reunited with after 5 years no contact, and newest baby girl who, at that time was now 1.5 years old.

I had it two of my children, my own place and a car. And for some reason, I decided to get back onto the ice and start having people over. I figured why not, after never having my own place ever in my life, I could call this place mine. After one year, I had probably 30+ people a day, in my unit, had been kicked out from arrears of about three months rent. During this time, I had also been robbed several times, a couple of times at gunpoint, setup by my own flatmates and friends. I got raided and in trouble from the police for drugs and stolen property. I exposed my children to drugs, strangers, fights, guns, all of which they should not have experienced for a very long time.

I was raised right. By two loving and fair parents. I was taught to be honest, caring and supportive. Raised with morals and shown through hard work and persistence I can do anything.

Yet im stuck. Always choosing the wrong path. Every week, its the same battle, over and over and over....

I don't know why, but I always keep thinking to myself, stop the drugs, they take all your money from you and your children. Your not moving forward, your moving backwards. But every week, I borrow more drugs, self destruct and don't have the will power alone. Today im asking for my families help one last time. Not for me, But for my children and for them. I can be a better son, a better father and a better sibling. I'm now handing all my pay, and give total permission for my mother and father to collect and distribute my pay, in order to progressively get my children and I, back into our own place again. I am sorry and have been a horrible person and father. Im hoping this will show them, I love them all and they all deserve better of me, and askif they'll help me. I can do it. I love them all. And I hope they'll understand and help us.