I’M A STANGER HERE MYSELF…

“Have you ever walked alone at night; like a man against the world?” (Survivor).

“I walk a lonely road; the only one that I have ever known!” (Greenday)

“Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely!” (BSB)

“Oh, yeah (I’m alright); I just feel a little lonely tonight!” (Tom Petty).

“You were just a face in the crowd!” (Petty).

I think you sort of get the gist of the common thread here.

I’m from a small town here in Michigan; and, by all appearances, EVERYONE seems to know me. I walk into the right place and I’m immediately greeted. I’m stopped on the street because people recognize me from my first part time job. I recall middle school/high school, where the outcasts, the popular kids, and the outliers would all line up, one-by-one, to…reciprocate visiting with me because I started it.

Let me back up here (and not as far back as grade school just yet). I walk into a restaurant here in town and I’m immediately greeted by the employees because they appreciate me for appreciating them and they’re being politely professional to keep my patronage. Those people who stop me in the street (obviously outside of work) and identify me as the guy who works at the health club know who I am because I’m the guy who cleans the locker room for them, folds their towels, returns their clothes, cleans up…other messes for them.

Long story short, I’m recognized either as someone who can and does do everything for everyone else; or I’m only treated with courtesy because I’ve treated someone else with courtesy first.

THAT part DOES go back to grade school. The popular kids may have reciprocated a friendly greeting that I had originally put out there; I was still relegated to dining with the outsiders (a great bunch of folks, all). However, for the most part, THEY seemed ignored by the same people who used to at least trade greetings with me. So did I really belong in either place…?

Which brings me back to today. My favorite bar staff couldn’t be more cordial to the guy who orders water and a soda, and only occasionally food, yet still insists that I’m there for a prolonged visit (especially when I see my “favorite” beauty behind the bar and, for the next five minutes, I behave as though I’m the only patron in the place [I’m not]). They are professionally polite and friendly to me because I try to be friendly to them and constantly remind them how much they mean to me (those who dine out often enough: “HOW do you inform your servers that they mean a lot to you again???”)

I was recognized at least by SOME members of every caste system in high school and on through college. I enter one of my favorite bars and am treated like “NORM!” from “Cheers.” When I say that the health club members literally corner the “Locker Room Attendant” (Towel Boy and Custodian) out on the street, is that NOT implying that they APPRECIATE my work (no matter WHAT my job is)?

So why am I a “stranger” here?

Is being invited to go out with groups under six times a year such a lonely life?

Is knowing that your home is with your parents again so bad because you’ve never had a real relationship, let alone a marriage, and forget a family?

Is being "friends" (maybe an acquaintance) with many women really so much worse than having ONE girlfriend?

Of course not; if I were still somewhere between 17 and 20-something.

I can be surrounded by friends; and feel alone.

I can be at a Summer festival, surrounded by others having a great time and listening to a great band; and find myself sitting on South Pier and gazing out into the distance as I mist up.

I can be walking around town from place to place, living my best life, one moment; and find myself downtrodden and dejected at home for the duration of the evening.

I can stop into my favorite dive upon getting out of my late-night weekend job; then have the magic of being there wear off in a matter of 5-10 minutes of being pushed around by walls of strangers or having to bulldoze my way around people, occasionally finding a familiar face amongst the crowd or trading pleasantries with a new person, knowing that I’ll remember their kind courtesy the next day while they might not.

So, on the surface, I’m not so alone. On the surface, I AM treated as though I belong (and so what if it’s only because THAT is how I treat others? I appreciate the recognition of reciprocation).

So why do I FEEL this way? What is WRONG with me; and how can my mindset change…?

(By the way, the best part is that when I feel this way and open up enough to be HONEST about it online, I watch the support come rolling in. Maybe it’s pity, maybe it’s mercy, maybe it’s insincere; someone made the effort to type something that sounds uplifting).

…So why do I feel this way; and how can I consistently see the TRUTH…?

[The author here. Thanks for letting me talk so openly on this platform. You’re all amazing.

If you love what you’ve read, feel free to heart it. If you feel generous, leave a tip. If this writing wasn’t for you, I appreciate the dry read.]