I have no one, but I'm used to it.

I was never an average kid growing up. In fact, I was diagnosed with autism at four-years-old. So I struggled quite a bit with friendships. Being bullied due to my disability made me dread school so much that I ended up not going to college. Years later, I still don't know how to communicate or maintain social connections because I'm shy most of the time. Besides, most of the stuff I talk about would bore others anyone. So I don't want to come off as the awkward dweeb I was in elementary school. But it's also hard to keep connections with people nowadays because since everyone's too "busy" for me, I become distant fear of being a bother to them.

I'm a very patient, outgoing person, but I'm also very quiet and reserved—which is another reason it's hard for people to stick around in my life. Even my own absent father (whom I've tried to have a relationship with for years) is always too "busy" for me. I haven't spent time with him since 2018 and hasn't even texted me happy birthday this year (as he did every year).

And as far as my health, I should be concerned because I'm in my late-20s but have the mind and body of a 90-year-old. Not able to cognate as well as I used to, and afraid to live life any longer with the condition I'm in. Even though I stopped taking my medication a little while ago, the side effects still linger—malaise, shortness of breath, confusion, and general weakness. Even though I feel as if my issues aren't serious enough to discuss with my physician, I had to endure it everyday for the past several months. I'm still young. My body should be functioning as regularly as it should be. I don't want to depend on prescipton medication anymore; I'm fine without it. All it does is make me feel worse, and with these side effects not going away, I shouldn't have been on them in the first place.

Before I die, there are many things I want to accomplish that I should've done years ago, get my first car, have my first relationship, get a job that I'll stick with, write my first novel, and travel. But I feel like that's impossible at the moment, because I have the attention span of a fruit fly. Plus I don't even know where to start (it's either now or never, right)? But there's nothing I do besides lay in bed all day because I'm so tired all the time. People may think I'm lazy, when in fact I barely have any energy to do anything at all (especially after I was stricken with COVID earlier this year). Change can be daunting, but I also don't want to be stuck in the same place for the rest of my life. I don't want my disability to completely limit me from working or living a normal life. The very thought of missing out on so many great things life has to offer haunts me every single day and lately I've been finding myself either numb or crying myself to sleep.

I hope that one day I'll be able to share my story with the world, and hopefully it will enlighten others who are going through the same. I don't want to stay in awkward silence anymore; all I want is to be seen, heard, and supported.

In a world so bleak, kindness is always the answer. You never know what someone is going through. And if you can't be kind, then you don't have to say anything.