I have a roommate that I hate

I have a roommate. A roommate I never asked for, a roommate I never wanted and a roommate that I hate. He is a man that lives in my head, he takes up more space than I should allow, but, he’s comfortable and he’s lived there for years now. I noticed him first over a decade ago when he would just pop in for a moment or so to show his face and tell me things that I wished I’d never heard. At first he didn’t say much, usually just affirmed the words that others fed into me.

“You’re fat!” They would say and he would nod.

“You’re ugly” they would say and he would nod.

They would hit me and he would whisper “you deserved that.”

It wasn’t long before he decided he could fill a drawer with his things. before he thought he was owed some kind of permanent tenancy in a space I didn’t allow. Everyone has always told me “you are your own worst enemy.” Believe me, I know; this man who looked exactly like me, sounded like me with the deepest intensity; was one cruel bastard. He’s rude, vicious, intolerable and worst of all he is relentless.

It wasn’t long before he took full control, before the drawer that he once owned became about the only thing that I myself had. This man had fully decorated, refurnished and set up camp. He was in it for the long run, he was here to stay. He never allowed me much time in there, and made me believe that he knew better. He told me that I wasn’t good enough, he told me that I wasn’t worth much. He told me that without him I’d be nothing. And, I believed him.

He’s a cruel man. He tells me that I’m not worth loving, that no man will ever want me. He says that nobody has stayed around because I’m undesirable, because I’m too much, because I’m needy, because I love too easily, because I’m unattractive and there’ll always be someone better for them. He plays on my insecurities and moulds them into my identity. He holds me hostage when I’m at my loneliest hour and tells me it’s because nobody cares. When I cry, he tells me I’m weak and calls me pathetic. He screams in my silences and makes me listen to those who pass judgement.

I have a roommate that I do not want. When people affirm me or say good things, he tells me they’re lying he sometimes whispers and he sometimes shouts. He feeds on putting me down on strengthening my insecurities and my self doubts. He tells me I should be thinner, more attractive, emotionally stronger, be more successful, be a better dancer, be making more money and the list goes on.

He is responsible for some of the darkest days I’ve experienced and he blames everyone else, including myself. I have a roommate that needs evicting.

…

I had a roommate that I didn’t like, that I used to have no control over that used to dictate how I felt about myself and my surroundings. Not long ago I kicked my roommate out, and made him take all his things. He is obnoxious and didn’t take it lightly, in fact it took me a few times to really make sure he was gone. Since he left I redecorated my space, I filled it with my things and made it my own, he doesn’t own that drawer and he certainly has no place for his belongings. I had a roommate that lived with me for years, he broke me down and left me in a state of fear, in a state where my thoughts were not pragmatic, where my thoughts were drowned out by the voice of his constant critique.

I had a roommate that sometimes comes to call, he knocks on the door and waits for an answer. Against my better judgement I sometimes let him in, but it’s never long before I give him a grand old kick up the arse and send him on his way. I think my old roommate will always be in my life, we probably all have a roommate like the one I have described. But, rather than feeding him, we need to feed ourselves with the love, respect and care we all deserve. We are good enough to achieve all we want to achieve, we can be all we want to be.

My roommate is a reminder of how far I’ve come. I am strong enough to know the difference between him and me and though he will never fully leave. I think knowing his identity and knowing mine as two separate beings is a good enough place to be.

Now when he comes knocking the first thing he reads is the sign I recently hung from my door. It reads:

‘and all shall be well and all manner of things shall be well… now piss off!’