Grieving the end of Lockdown

I feel kind of insane, to be writing how I feel about this. Mainly because its 2AM and I can't sleep at all even though at 9:30 I was yawning like a housecat on xanex. I don' really know how I feel right now, so excuse this potential nonsesical explosion of words.

Don't get me wrong I am so excited to be free, to go back to a world where we can eat a meal that we didn't cook, to pay £9 for a vodka soda and to enjoy the simple pleasures of sitting next to a stranger without feeling like I might die. But there's something in me, beating against my brain that is worried, anxious and even a little bit sad. Lockdown has really done one over on all of us for so many reasons and whilst I know we've all handled it differently I feel like what we gained from the last year will once again be lost and before long will be all but a distant vague memory.

I have so many conflicting feelings about going back to 'normal', it's seriously hard to process, hence why i'm keyboard smashing in the early hours. But, I've also seen and watched so many people achieve wonderful things, learn incredible new skills and climb this weird virtual social mountain faster than Usain Bolt ran 100m. Being a creative has been especially hard, over they year there has been peaks and troffs but I can't help but feel somewhat jealous of the people who have managed to go out there and kill it. I'm a performer, a drag queen who feels like I have not done as much as I could have done, who feels lost in a wave of talented drag performers who have managed to refine their skills, learn new ones or who have just commited to doing everything they can get their hands on. A lot of these people I get to call friends, and I am so proud to see it and genuinely happy, theres this drop of envy that courses through me. That voice that says "pack up the makeup bag and move on." I'm thirty for god sake and I know in my heart of hearts that I am doing well and am achieving things and am doing some great things and have been blessed to have been booked for opportunities across the rest of the year but, it's hard to feel validated when you seek it from places you're not going to get it. But then also Ive worked 40 hours a week from home whilst so many people have been furloughed, so I know that I'm blessed but also I'm jealous because I want the time, I want to be able to give myself the opportunity to do something else.

And I just want to scream "what's the magic code to life, to success, to being all you can." I feel like when we can go back to what was, I'm going to feel more lost and more unseen than I already feel. Call me selfish, call me narcissistic, but it's how I feel. Lockdown has taken away our sense of what is real, we only truly see what photos people post and how well they do. My fear is that reality will make us feel worse about our selves than this virtual reality already does. I don't know, I certainly hope not. And I know I shouldn't compare or measure myself against others but how can we not. We are faced every single fucking day with photos, videos, news stories, status of other peoples wins and amazing things and we view them mostly when we're sat on the couch or laying in bed doing nothing and feeling already like nobodies.

But, on the other hand I'm also really excited to be back out, with each other, sharing life, the stage, moments that we haven't had or haven't been able to capture over instagram. I'm excited to perform, and to see new performers, to share ideas and meet new people.

But again, I feel sad to lose what we have gained, this season is the most intentional I feel Ive been with checking in on people, communicating, reconnecting and talking with people, I feel like my core friendships are stronger than ever and I feel like we actually have time to make for people who are important to us. Whether its a call before dinner or a walk at lunch we've been able to connect with those closest to us on such a wonderful grounded human level, its been refreshing. And know what, we all go back to our busy 40 hour work weeks, where we're too tired to do anything, to stressed to catch up and to busy to talk. Im scared that these relationships Ive built over the last year won't be the same in another years time. And sure, that's life. But I don't want it to be, I want all of the best bits of lockdown and all of the best bits of our old lives.

We were never prepared to do this for so long, how could we have been, but we have had no choice other than to make the best of it and I truly believe for all the shit there has been some good that's come from it. I want to hold on to that, i think as people we need to hold on to that.

Anyway, it's 2:30, I'm not even re-reading what I wrote. That is what was in my head, and I understand that I may be alone in feeling this way, but here I am, feeling it anyway. Anyway, my tears have dried up, I've taken a breath.

Peace & Love, and hopefully some sleep.