I don't FEEL the way I am supposed to feel..

I don’t feel the way I am supposed to feel

I wake up every morning the same, lost, worried, and discombobulated. I wake up with cold sweats and anxiety. I wake up irritated and startled.

I live with my boyfriend, and I love him a lot. But lately, I’ve been feeling lost, and what I mean by lost, I mean I don’t know what to be feeling. He bought me this beautiful rug, desk, and dresser. It’s amazing nothing I would have thought of because I am having trouble with that too… but that’s for later. He bought me all these great things to make me feel like I am in my own HOME to be comfortable and all I could think is how much I hate it, that he wanted to buy me those things, and to think he only got it out of pitty. Then I felt like he was expecting something from me but I have been so lost, In my heart and mind that I am unsure what to feel. In all that my negative thought's blinded me to see he was just loving me. I am worried maybe I have a real problem I need to fix. now that I am typing this all out, I am truly grateful and feel loved. But during the time he got me all these things, I couldn’t thank him, I felt annoyed and irritated and I couldn’t understand why. I think my mind needs some meditation. I think I am depressed.

I JUST WANT THE THOUGHTS TO GO AWAY!!!

I haven’t been to my parent's house for about 7 months because of the pandemic, and when I saw them I thought I’d be happy and excited to see familiar faces. But instead, I felt empty and forgotten. Everyone talked about themselves and all the DRAMA going on in the world, argued with one another like I wasn’t there. I just wanted to feel missed, cared for and I wanted them to want to know what I have been doing for the past 7 months. I thought I was supposed to feel happy.

GROWING UP IS TOUGH!!

At my job, I got promoted but no raise LOL I wasn’t happy or excited I was just like okay.. and usually, someone should feel happy and ecstatic that they got promoted, but I didn’t feel the way I am supposed to feel. This pandemic has made it really hard to connect with others and hard because of the really unhealthy habit of mine to overthink in my mind, causing me to not understand how I am feeling because my mind is lost, asking a million questions.

I am afraid of my thoughts, I am afraid they will cause me to disconnect from the real world and, relationships.

I want to feel happy, I want to feel the way I am supposed to feel. Happy on Christmas morning, happy to see my boyfriend first thing in the morning, and happy to be alive. Happiness please re-enter my life. I just want to feel you.

I just want my overthinking to go away

I want to have control and not always say yes, maybe no, maybe this maybe that. I want to just say YES THAT!

Everyday I get lost in my own thoughts, it's almost sickening. I wonder if anyone else has suffered the way I do mentally. I am at a point in my life where I want the HELP but I can't find it, and too old for anyone to come chase me and help me. I know this is bad.. because things seem a bit off in my own head. I start to think why... is it because social media, is it because sick in my head. What could It be. Why do i shut down when it comes time for me to choose and not my anxiety to choose.

-a.secretcode