I Almost Turned Into A Crackhead

People always tell you how bad drugs are, but they never really tell you just how much. The sad part about this is that you go out and seek out experiences that you have no business exploring.

2021 was a challenging year for me and I found myself at the mercy of crystal meth. I'm not even going to sit here and tell you what it is because the truth is, you don't need to know. Anyone that has recovered from using this deadly drug will tell you how intense the effects of it are. You go from losing your memory to hearing things that aren't even there. It's almost as if things are happening right outside your window when in fact, everything is in your head. Meth is so potent in the sense that you can create a scenario in your head, live it and believe that it happened.

For me, the final straw was Christmas day. A day where one is supposed to be celebrating with family and maintaining positive vibes saw me thinking that everyone was out to get me. I guess the one thing I hate about meth is the fact that you can remember the things that you'd rather forget. I saw myself living in paranoia and as a result, hurting my loved ones with my actions and my words.

To this day, I still haven't asked for forgiveness or wanted to talk about it because I'm not even sure if it happened at all. Imagine that! I woke up in bed the next day and I was well aware of what had happened the previous day, but the tragic memories are not the only thing I took home with me that day. I made some new friends, voices in my head that didn't exist. Imagine hearing people who are miles away as if they're in a store that you're walking past. You know that they're not there but you're so convinced that it's them. You walk around believing that everyone can see that you're messing your life up and that of the people who truly adore you.

What I went through, the hallucination and the voices can be described as a drug-induced psychotic episode. I do not wish that life on anyone. I have learnt my lesson and if I'm going to move on, I just need to regurgitate it so that it can leave my system. I know that there are a lot of apologies I need to make but before I can do that, there are a lot of apologies I want to make to myself.

I want to start by apologizing to the boy inside me who had big dreams and never thought that one day would turn into a junkie. This boy had goals, hopes and dreams but they were somehow delayed by the choices that I made. Today, I want to say "I'm sorry, let's try again".

I am blessed because there are people that never even make it back. I have been clean since Christmas without the assistance of rehab. All it took for me, was seeing my baby sister crying when she couldn't recognize or understand what I was becoming. Anyone who knows me knows that I am highly protective of her and love her as if I'm dying.

We haven't explored the topic as yet. I'm just not sure I'd know how to answer any of the questions that will be brought up because that person has died. The sad part is that I have to let go of friends I had great memories with just to maintain my newfound sanity. Am I ready to do it? Yes, I am.

I joined a gym, I'm meeting new people every day. I'm interacting with people whose goals are aligned with mine and every day I'm working hard to become my true self. At some point, I didn't think it would be possible to make a return, but God willing, I'm here and I'm ready to conquer. I want you to be a part of my story. Are you coming?