How to Save a Life

I love you, KP. I'm sorry I'm shit.

I didn't expect a reply–at least, not right away. It was nearly four in the morning on a Sunday. I figured I'd have two or three hours before anyone found a thing: the empty pill bottles, the texts, the toxic seeds I'd been collecting for weeks, the journal I brought along to catalog everything I took... or me.

"I miss Al and don't know how to do this without them." I wrote as my penmanship degraded.

*ping ping*

i love u, too, quinn. ur not shit. what are u doing?

Shit. They weren't supposed to answer. I couldn't lie to them, not KP, but I needed to throw them off and buy myself some more time.

Going to spend a little time with Al.

quinn, u can't do that. where r u?

I wanted them to know. I wanted them to be with me, but I also didn't want to fail. Al was waiting for me.

I'm wth them now. whrwe they alway spent tofay.

Uh-oh. That's all I could get out before my dexterity and consciousness slipped. I could read their next few texts, but I couldn't reply.

wait, quinn! tell me more, please. r u ok? i want to come find u.

it's sunday morning. r u at church?? what church, quinn? what church?

never mind, i found u. thank dog, there's only 1 kingdom hall in this town. i'll be there soon. please wait for me.

I couldn't wait even if I wanted to. I wasn't there anymore. Certainly, not mentally, and barely physically. I had nuzzled myself so deep into the grass I felt part of the yard. Not above or on top of it, but far beneath, below the roots. The part that the plants cling to beneath the topsoil.

It was all a dream, I tell myself now. Something I imagined happening, which could just as easily be true. I don't remember anything but complete darkness with the occasional flash of images too bright to make out. I heard voices, muffled conversation, and music, but nothing that stood out. Nothing I could cling to, to ground me in reality.

I floated there for, I have no idea how long, an eternity maybe. Suspended in the ether, unable to touch the very grass I laid upon. Unable to see it or sense it in any way.

Memory was with me. That may have been it. It wasn't a movie, though. Not like before. Not an image or face in my mind. It was all sensation and warm light. They came to me as strong feelings: deep love, tight fear, weightless joy, crushing anger. I knew what context each emotion referred to without seeing it, as if the words and circumstances in those moments mattered little except for the reactions they generated in me.

It wasn't until someone touched me that I became aware of my body again.

It was KP.

They had found me somehow. They shouted, but the words still didn't matter. I felt the force of their breath on my face as they spoke to me and knew they were afraid.

I knew I still had a body because I could feel its jagged movements as they lifted me into their arms and brought me to their car. Suddenly, I wasn't floating but falling. They set me in the seat, and the security I had felt ripped away from beneath me. I had the distinct sensation that the entire contents of my body were being flushed out of me. I watched my thoughts, memories, emotions, and brain matter furiously spin behind my eyes for several moments before the actual purging began.

I weakly scrambled for the window but could barely lift my head. KP handed me a bag and said they were taking me to the hospital. They asked me what was in my system. I pointed to the journal and puked again.

"Sorry." I managed to utter before passing out.