How shall we talk about death and life?

I dread to talk about death and am always extremely careful, but stressful at the same time, to talk to those who’re desperate about life.

A friend of mine got serious depression after his ex commited suicide. In 2020, 3 students in my university committed suicide within a week. Schools told us, "If you got any problem, go to Counseling Center."

If you take a look at the reservation table of Counseling Center, it's always full; getting a reservation is as difficult as getting a concert ticket. Connecting to Depression Helpline is the same. Resources to heal depression are lack of, evidently.

While the help we can offer for counseling service and depression helpline is limited, maybe we can think about how we shall talk about death and life, in our everyday life.

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I always consider myself a quite suitable person to talk to when one is feeling desperate: I listen, try to relate, give out suggestions but never strictly ask anyone to follow them. I feel people trust me. But dealing with someone who has attempted to commit suicide is another story.

It’s more of a philosophical debate. I guess I’m lucky — I see a life filled with happiness, memory, knowledge, adventure, and other interesting things. I do encounter difficulties, but I could manage to cherish everything I have in my life and am grateful for having the chance to be alive.

Things are not the same for everyone. For some, the world is full of pain and tragedies. Although I feel unbelievable when I heard this, I sadly tend to believe that people should have the freedom to decide how they want to feel and what they want to do with their life. I can give my comments, but I have to respect their freedom and their decision — including the decision to commit suicide.

Besides pleading them to consult a professional, what I usually do is to frankly share how I think — It’s very hard for me, as an individual who fully appreciates life, to totally relate to how desperate you are. But I understand the pain, and although feeling very sad, I will respect any decision you made and wish you all the best.

It worked out pretty well in my past experiences — at least none of them give up on their lives. I guess it’s because I have let them know they still have choices, and remind them of the beauty of life and the world. We're being frank here; I don't pretend I understand their feeling. I admit that I may not fully relate.

But I cannot help but think all the time: what if they really give up? Will I regret what I have said to them?

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A friend of mine in high school told us in a group chat that, life becomes so difficult after our graduation, and he feels there’s nothing worth living after 23. Surprisingly, many said they feel the same. I couldn’t believe my eyes when I saw those messages popping up.

I have attended a workshop exploring the topic of death. In a discussion session, we were invited to imagine being hit by a car and share what we would think of while waiting for death.

There’re so many things to be explored, but I have to end here, I said. I must be reluctant to accept it.

You’re so young and optimistic, said the other woman, I won’t feel it that way. I would probably feel relaxed if it doesn’t hurt. Many nodded their heads. I was a bit less astonished this time, and I began to realize that there are a lot who see life and death in a very different way than me.

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It has been a hidden topic. A forbidden one that people dread to touch upon, because it's a matter of death. If you say anything wrong, you may be blamed for someone's suicide.

But blaming doesn't help. Discourse and discussion do, even if they are sometimes deviated. We should be able to talk about those questions and doubts openly, but also gently so that we don’t have to feel burdened and suppress our feeling. Ultimately, we have to build a warmer and stronger community, where people can share their experiences freely.

There’s no definite answer to how we should talk about life and death, but we need to talk about them wholeheartedly. It empowers us to grow and face depression, death and other difficult things in life with more love, support, and courage.