How I Manage My Anxiety Without Medication

I learned to swim when I was about nine years old. Nobody taught me. In fact, I don't even remember how I learned. I just remember, one day, my mom had taken my siblings and me to the local public pool, where I had been swimming freestyle from one wall to another. When my mom noticed, she called out to me and said, "I didn't know you knew how to swim!"

It didn't take long to notice I was pretty good at it. Given my long, slender frame, I was a decently fast swimmer for someone my age.

A couple of years later, my parents, looking for something I could do as a sport or activity, encouraged me to try out for a swim team. I knew if I learned how to do it the proper way, taught by a coach with the techniques used by the pros, I might be good at it.

My other siblings at the time were excelling at their designated activities. My brother, Drew, was an all-star baseball player, and my sister was a graceful ballerina, performing in multiple recitals a year. Meanwhile, I displayed no such talents. Except being a compulsive reader and collector of baseball cards, I didn't do much of anything.

Perhaps swimming would put me on the map, along with my gifted younger siblings.

Weeeeelll, it wasn't meant to be.

I told my parents I didn't want to swim. When they asked me why not, I said it didn't sound fun or some other b.s. excuse.

The real reason was that I was too scared. The classic fear of messing up in front of other people. The very fear that would, ultimately, be a form of kryptonite throughout my childhood, where I spent most of my time supporting my siblings at their own stuff. Girl Scouts, Little League, ballet, and all the other things they did, that I never had the guts to do.

Since then, I have let go of those fears, starting businesses, and investing in risky stocks. I'll be honest, I've lost a lot of money. Thousands, in fact. But I'm hella proud of every freaking cent I've lost.

I'm proud, because I can never regret that I didn't try. I don't want to have to look back, like I do upon my childhood, and see nothing but a bleak ocean of "what if's," so murky I'll never honestly know what would've happened. Trying out for the swim team would've been better than not at all, right?

The question is, what changed? How was I able to conquer this aspect of my anxiety?

To put it simply, I found the key is learning to control your fear, and the best way to obtain control is by giving up that control.

Yes, I know that sounds like a crappy fortune cookie you'd get from that old, but delicious, Chinese restaurant by your house. Or, a confusing tongue twister you can't say without sounding like a three year old trying to pronounce "sea anemone."

It sounds complicated, I know.

You're probably struggling with some form of anxiety right now. You've undoubtedly felt, at one point in your life, the air being sucked right out of your lungs, your gut feeling like the color of Oscar the grouch, the fierce panic of failure, embarrassment, your friends thinking you're a loser, grandpa, dad, your judging aunt being disappointed in you, or maybe your ego getting cut down from failing at something for not being good enough. It could be a million other reasons.

So, how do you overcome something as strong as the inevitable pull of fear? How did I come to understand and manage mine?

Well, first, I did some research.

I found many different answers to my vast array of questions. My goal in finding these answers was so I could understand anxiety and how it works.

After scouring through various religions and philosophies, I discovered two ways: one way to understand, and one way to beat anxiety.

The way I understood it was, ironically (because I grew up a conservative Christian), through evolution.

I learned by studying science, that, millennia ago, our ancestors needed survival instincts to stay alive out in the harsh prehistoric world they were born into. Over time, microevolution gave them an instinct we now call anxiety. A fear pumped into the body to provide enough energy to hunt and gather to stay alive in the harsh world they lived in.

Of course, we don't really need this instinct anymore. We have Starbucks and grocery stores. Surviving has gone from a luxury to what's expected from everything around you. You don't wake up in the morning wondering if you'll find anything to eat or drink. Food, water, shelter, is everywhere now.

I discovered that we live in a completely different world from our ancient ancestors, but still, we carry on living with many of those old survival instincts.

But, how would I apply this to my life? I wasn't, and still am not, anywhere near a psychologist.

I had no idea what to do. The only thing I had been taught to do my entire life was to pray and have faith, which had never, ever worked.

That's where adding a pinch of philosophy came in handy.

After learning a bit about Buddhism and other Eastern teachings, one of their many ideas inspired me: the concept of letting go.

All these fears, insecurities, and pains I was holding onto were only there because I was keeping them attached to my own self. These ancient instincts clung to me, like a kid being dropped off for school.

But, as any good parent knows, the only way to successfully drop your kid off anywhere, whether it's college or kindergarten, is to accept you can't always control your kid. You have to let them go, so they can do their own things in life. Keeping them locked in your basement forever isn't considered a healthy behavior for anyone.

Realizing I was doing the same exact thing with my anxiety showed me the simple answer, that answer being, I had to give up control, and allow my mind to control itself for once. If I wanted to be healthy within.

To put it a different way, my anxiety was controlling me, because it made me feel like I needed to play it safe to be in control. But, if I let go of that false control, I can take back the decisions that anxiety was making for me. I can take over, and do what I want without fear.

But, how would I let go of this "control?"

It didn't take me long to realize I wouldn't be able to do it over one enlightening meditation session, or a sermon from church, or even saying it out loud. A lot of people (like myself) think understanding a problem means you can fix it quickly. Sike! It doesn't.

Giving up control was hard. Despite knowing this control was an illusion, despite understanding where anxiety comes from, I hadn't found that magical psychological medicine. Because it doesn't exist.

I found that letting go was a laborious, tedious, highly difficult process. It's not like in the movies, where the characters all of a sudden "get it" and save the world. I had to work my butt off every day, changing my mindset from "Don't invest in that stock. Don't pursue that dream. Don't go on that date," to "Why not put a few hundred bucks into this company that will most likely fail? Why not strive for seemingly impossible dreams. Why not go out with a girl way out of my league?"

It did take a few months to grow enough balls to try these things, but I did them—all of them.

I once read a quote by David Brooks that helped me understand how to let go. He says, "Sometimes if you're going to be a professional, you just have to dig the damn ditch."

My ditch was changing my mindset. The ground was my anxiety, and the knowledge was my shovel, but I still had to use it dig my ditch.

And, I'll be honest, I'm still digging.

Anxiety is still a constant battle for me. Social anxiety, work anxiety, and all the other anxieties I have to endure every freaking day are still there. I've only conquered a small piece of it. I'm sure I'm not the only one. So, I invite you to share your stories about the anxiety in your life. I've shared mine, and if it was helpful for you, then that's freaking fantastic! Let's talk about it together. Maybe your story could help someone else.

You never know 'til you try.