How I Made My Depression Invisible

“You are the most cheerful person I know. So positive and full of energy.”

When one of my coworkers came up to my workstation two years ago to say those exact words they struck me like lightning. This well-meant compliment hit me hard. I had nothing else to say than a simple “thank you” before I turned back to my work, trying to look entirely unbothered by the storm of emotions that was looming on the horizon and fast approaching.

What was intended as a very kind compliment instantly and overwhelmingly made it crystal clear to me why I simply could not heal. Why I would be forever trapped with my depression if I didn’t change something immediately.

High-functioning depression has great potential to be invisible to those who care about us.

My crushing breakdown and clinical treatment followed just a few weeks after this brief conversation with my coworker. I was done pretending that everything was fine. Both my body and my mind initiated a brutal force stop that I simply could not ignore any longer.

Looking back I am shuddering at the thought that I was still frantically working the day before I was admitted to the hospital. While I was on my way to work in the morning I got a call from the clinic that a spot had opened up on short notice for in-patient treatment — the only condition was that I had to be there the very next day.

Instead of doing what a sane person would have done — turning around and going home — I went to work and tried to finish off as much as humanely possible before leaving my desk. Up until that day, I would have simply not allowed my depression to be seen by those around me. I only told two people where I was really heading off to. The rest of the department had no clue, they thought I would simply take some time off to de-stress (whatever that is). In hindsight, I think many knew anyway, but I never wanted them to know.

On the contrary — I did everything in my power to hide my depression and its effects. And most days I succeeded quite well. I went to work, to the gym, met with friends. I bent over backward to make other people happy, to function when my chronically ill father needed me. I never stayed in bed the whole day as the stereotype would suggest. I showered every day, kept up with all of my household chores, went grocery shopping, cooked for friends. All I did was to show the world that I was doing quite fine and that I could take on whatever horrific things life was throwing at me at that time. I was living one big lie, and I now sometimes wonder why on earth I thought that was a good idea. It was exhausting.

Depression is already an “invisible illness”, but trying to make it even more invisible than it already is can be quite detrimental. It took me a while to identify some key facets of how I mastered this toxic and destructive behavior. Hiding my depression seriously damaged me, made it much worse, and for a long time prevented me from getting better.

Not setting boundaries although I knew I needed them

I knew that I was in desperate need of setting boundaries for myself. In an act of self-hatred and self-sabotage, I chose not to. Setting boundaries would have led to questions and I wanted to avoid any and all of them — to prevent my broken self from becoming visible.

I did not want to navigate myself into a position where I would have to explain myself or expose myself to the scrutiny of others. I literally threw myself at everything that would violate my personal boundaries and my desperate need for rest. And in a very disturbing way, I was successful. Who would think that I was suffering and struggling so badly when all they could see was a lively and energetic young woman?

Saying yes to everyone and everything

This was the direct result of my failure to set healthy boundaries. I said yes to literally everything that was asked of me. And it makes me so mad now. How I let other people take advantage of me just so they would not realize that what they had asked of me was, in fact, too much to ask.

Getting involved in other people’s happiness although not asked to

Not only did I say yes to everyone and everything, but I was also on the constant lookout for opportunities to make other people happy. I felt responsible for so many things that were really none of my concern and that I should have stayed away from.

Want me to pick something up for you? Sure! Want me to come and clean your house? Of course! Oh, life has been tough for you recently? Tell me more, I’m here for you and I have so much (unsolicited) advice to give.

Withdrawing and canceling appointments when your facade is at risk of cracking

Sometimes even the best actors and actresses need to rest from being someone else. Whenever I felt that I would not be able to hide my illness I would simply cancel on anyone, even my best of friends. I also have vivid memories of numerous crying sessions in bathroom stalls.

Because sometimes it just hit me mid-day and there was no way to cancel, I was already there and needed to escape to a safe space. And as sad as it might sound, being able to lock a tiny room that I had entirely for myself brought great relief.

Downplaying obvious changes to your physique and appearance

For the expert eye, not only your facial expressions are a good indicator of your mental well-being. Your posture, your skin tone, and your body weight, too, might lead someone to believe that something can’t be right with you. When I was at my lowest my skin was terrible, grayish, and dull.

My posture was like that of an old lady and my body weight had dropped substantially with all of my clothes literally falling off. I looked downright sick. People did notice, and I would have had so many chances to tell that absolutely nothing was right.

But I chose not to. I merely shrugged those remarks off: “Too much stress.”, “Yeah, I’ve been exercising more and eating healthier, so that’s why I’ve dropped so much weight” (no, it was a full-blown eating disorder, but I will talk about that another time), “Oh really you think I look different? I don’t think so.”, “Yes, I haven’t been sleeping much lately, so that’s why…”. I even rehearsed these replies to sound as plausible as possible in case it would finally dawn on someone that I was, in fact, very unwell.

Final thoughts

Are you suffering from depression? Then I encourage you to make your illness visible. Step by step. Maybe don’t put it out there in plain sight. But perhaps tell at least one person you trust what you are currently going through — a friend, a relative, a coworker, or your doctor. It sounds like such an obvious thing to do, yet it can be so hard. Please try it, it helped me tremendously.

Do you know someone who is suffering from depression? Then I encourage you to look out for signs someone is trying to hide their pain from you. Be persistent, they might not thank you now, but there is a great chance they will be grateful later.