How I didn't commit Suicide and how it can help you
by Alexis Ashe
Chapter one
My life story
Don’t ask questions I don’t have answers for them. All I ask is for someone to listen to me and hear me out and hopefully understand why I'm writing this. I'll start from the beginning when my mom was still around.
From the beginning my mom always said that I shouldn't look forward to life and all it was is a disappointment and I was bound to get heart broken and sure enough I was. My mom always told me that I was a mistake and no one would love me and to always call myself ugly because there is no such thing as beautiful so I did what she said , always called myself ugly and did everything I could to get hurt without thinking of its outcome.
After a while my mom left me at a young age and yes it hurt me and bothered me and it led to depression. Later on in life I was walking home late at night and I decided to take the short cut ,on that walk 2 men took advantage of me. I was too scared to tell my family that night. In fact I didn’t tell them for almost 2 years. I blamed the bruising and the cuts on my falling and tripping on the way home for how dark it was. Days and weeks went on when anytime my father went to hug me I flinched or fell into tears.
Any touch from a man left pain , pain I could feel on my skin and in my head. I knew I was not ok but was too scared to tell my family. I was scared that my family would not love me anymore and no longer be there for me. After almost 2 years of lying to myself I told my family. They didn't have any reaction, the only thing they told me was that I had made the mistake of letting it happen and that I was an accident waiting to happen again.
Suicide Note of Chapter 1
“I hate being the girl who hurts everyone, I hate being the girl who can't communicate with people when I'm upset. I wish I could start over, I want my pain to cause everyone to feel go away, I want my pain to go away. Don't ask me questions, I don't have answers for them. I don't look forward to my life, all I am is a disappointment and a mistake. I am sorry to everyone I ever hurt and met, your life would be better without me. I am not beautiful, pretty, funny, etc. I am heart broken and useless. I hide behind a mask I can't remove. I am scared that if anyone knew i was in pain and upset it would hurt them or cause them to worry. I am sorry for everything. I wish people would forget about me. I want to start over. I want to die, I want everything away then I won't be able to hurt anyone anymore.”
Reasoning behind the note
The reason why I wrote one of my first notes was because I was at a very low point in my life and I didn't know how to control my emotions. I look back on this note almost everyday and think about how far I have improved myself since that day. I am telling this life experience in hopes that it will help you the reader to either stop yourself from this decision or be able to help a friend from making it.
I found my self writing more and more notes because it had numbed the pain of what I was feeling. I found that writing my feelings down and how I really felt was something that calmed me down and realize there is so much more to life then what I was living. The best advice I can give to someone, even if its as cheesy as what I'm going to say , its that everything gets better you just need to wait.
I would try and get some hobbies or find something that you yourself love to do and helps ease your mind on the situation at hand. The more you find yourself doing that the easier thing will get. surround yourself with good people who are there for you and care about you. you will find true happiness.
About the Creator
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