How I Changed My Life

I had an ok childhood. There was good times and there was bad times. That’s pretty much just like everyone else, right? Well the difference between me and everyone else is my parents did drugs in front of me. I never had a chance. I was set on the path that would lead me to some dark places. By the time I started high school I was a full blown addict. I wanted nothing more than to party! School was not on my mind. It was in my way. So I quit my second semester of my senior year. I know dumb right! Well I ended up meeting this guy that worked at the video store next to my work. We started dating and I find out his parents own the store. He was rich.. Bingo I thought. We moved in together and I ended up pregnant of course. So cliche.. We don’t make it. Now this whole time I’m clean. I was 21 when I had my daughter. When she was 6 months old we split up because I walked in on him and this girl Jennifer. All trouble broke loose. I had my mom and grandma with me. I had to stop my family from going left. Well I started using again. Eventually I hooked up with this guy that I known since I was 13. He was my brother’s best friend. We get together and stayed together for 8 years. During the time I’m heavily abusing drugs. I’m not a good mom or person. I got a call from cps asking for a visit at their office. We go down there and they inform me that my daughters father is accusing my boyfriend of violating my daughter. She was 3. We completely complied with the cps and everything worked out. Then when she was 4 her father took her for a regular visit on spring break. In March. He has me served with paperwork from the court saying he is taking full custody and there was a temporary order already in place because she had herpies a very bad case on her genitalia. We went through the process this time I left my boyfriend and then I find out I’m pregnant with my ex boyfriend son. I was 8 months pregnant when he failed the lie detector test. I. Was devastated. I looked like a fool. In court I lost custody and no visits no contact. I grieved my loss of my daughter as a death. She was just gone. I had my son and when he was 6 months old I started using again. This time I started hearing voices outside my window. I didn’t tell anybody because I was scared of mental hospitals because of the movies. I had a bad image. When he was 8 months old I had a nervous breakdown and was admitted into a mental hospital. I was terrified. I discovered that it wasn’t like the movies. Big surprise right! I spent 2 weeks there. I was diagnosed as bipolar. Some time passes and I’m running the streets going to dope houses. The 9 yards. You know the stories. Same here. One day in 2013 I woke up one day and said “ not today” I checked myself into the hospital and spent time there. I had let my mom take in my son. I promised my son when I came back for him I would have him his own room with lots of LEGO. I was homeless. I found out through the driver of the van that transports people from hospital to hospital. That they had a program for people like me that would pay for 3 months rent. I found the owner of a boarding home he was also affiliated with the courts. He took me in. When my 3 months were up he told me as long as I stayed sober I could stay and pay him back when I got my benefits from disability. During my time at the home I also found this clinic that works with people like me. I met this dr. She was the most awesome woman I ever met. She knew her stuff. She finally properly diagnosed me as schitzoeffective. I get on different meds. Now this process is definitely the worst experience of my life except for my daughter. It was trying and difficult. I wanted to give up so many times. I held on and finally I got Invega. It totally changes my life I didn’t remember what it was like to be normal. To not hear voices break you down until you start talking back. This time I was awarded a grant for housing. I had completed a year on a treatment contract. I had to go to therapy and group therapy every week. I had to meet with a case worker 2xs a week and spent a hour with them. I had to take random drug test and medication levels test. I had my blood analyzed. I had to meet with my psychiatrist as many times as she wanted. I could do that because I was put on a special program for people who end up in the hospital a lot. Well this let Medicaid approve as many visits as needed. I slowly found myself changing. At about 6 months sober my emotions woke up and hit me all at once. I mainly felt guilt for everything I did to everyone. I would cry myself to sleep at night just hurting in my heart. I swore that I would not be like that again. I changed with that experience. It cleanses you to let your emotions out like that. My thinking was changing my outlook on life was changing. I was a different woman. I was awarded the grant that paid my deposit and a years rent. I found an apartment close to my parents house. They wanted to keep an eye on me. They still didn’t trust me. I repaired my car. I had my son his own room and LEGOs. I had won my disability claim. I rebuilt my life from scratch and it has been 7 years and I am still independent. People borrow money from me. I still have work to do. I sent a heartfelt message to my daughter and she responds. I was elated. There are no words to capture my feelings. We started talking. Little by little we are building a relationship. So I clawed my way out of the hole i dug for myself and I used my resources and every opportunity that presented itself to the max. My family turned their back on me. I was alone with God. He carried me until I could stand on my own. I couldn’t have done it without Him. The people I met and ran into I needed at the moment. All God He gets the glory.. Today I am living a simple drama free life. Just me and my son. It’s a quiet place and it’s peaceful. I love it. I’m happy.