Here's to You

Dear 2021,

The past twenty-one years of my existence have not been particularly easy to cope with, in many ways the days have seemed daunting and unchanging from their melancholy shapes and sounds. Last year was no exception to this tragic truth. While the promise of a deadly disease hung in the air, life continued to move forward, but it moved backwards and diagonally in ways that I had never seen before.

To truly understand where I am now, I believe you have to understand where I have been. I joined the armed forces some years ago, and in that time, I was fortunate enough to meet the other half of my soul, my best friend, and the love of my life. Life has always thrown me curve-balls, but as long as he was there cheering me on, I knew I could get through anything. Halfway through the year, my love was sent across the nation for a different duty location, and I was forced to stay put in mine. I lost my other half, my two cats, my home, and everything that gave me stability, and I wasn’t sure how the coming months would look for me. I held my head as high as it would go, and I put one foot in front of the other. Slowly, everything began to crumble beneath me, the walls fell in around me and the sky caved in on top of me. Everyday I went to work was a battle that I would fight alone. As the days past I became more invisible to my co-workers. This had been going on for quite a while, but this year was worse. The sexual harassment was at an all time high, and there was nowhere to turn for help. As my faith in my work crumbled, and the news showed nothing but death and deadly discrimination, I turned to my family. In a strange twist of events, they turned on me.

When I was a young girl a member of my family took advantage of me in the middle of the night…I never knew how to speak about it with my family, so I said nothing for many years. One day while we were all group texting about our opposing views regarding the stories on the news; the man in question began to get aggressive towards me and claimed that I shouldn’t pretend to be a victim. Seeing as he was the one who took my power away from me all those years ago, I decided I wouldn’t let him do it again, and I told them all the truth about what the man had done to me. However, to my surprise, nobody batted an eye. They went about their conversations as though I had said nothing. My own mother assured me that what I had said was unimportant and was glad to be done addressing the conversation. In that moment I made a decision to never speak to any of them again, because I have no room in my heart for that kind of cruelty.

Around the same time this was going on, my father reached out to me for the first time in twelve years. Being abandoned wasn’t the way I pictured myself growing up, but nevertheless I wanted to know who he was, so I agreed to speak with him. We spoke on the phone a total of two times in the span of a month. The first conversation was lovely, and the second ended in him telling me never to speak to him again because he was outraged that I could be upset that he abandoned me for twelve years. It was a rollercoaster of ridiculous emotions, and once again a family I could have had, slipped through my fingers.

As these events began to unfold, I was finally removed from my place of work because the harassment had escalated to a point where working there was too hostile and detrimental for my health. I was moved to a new place, and in that place were hollow people and empty words. A little different and a lot of the same. The world around me was overwhelming, and it stayed that way for a very long time. For the rest of the year, I found myself in a spiraling state of depression and the voices residing in my head were screaming so loud they began to deform my life around me. A few times while I was alone in my room, I thought about how easy it would be for me to no longer exist in a world where I was already completely alone. The thought came and went, but on a cold December night I decided to try and remove myself from this plane of existence after a long and lonely day that had ended with my significant other and I having a pointless argument, that just seemed to push me over the edge…noting that I am still here writing you this letter, you can rest assured there was no tragic ending. I stayed awake and called someone who happened to be around to sit with me until I felt well enough to fall asleep. When I awoke the next morning, I acknowledged that I hit rock bottom, and it was finally time for me to pick myself back up.

On January 1, 2021 (that’s you), I decided to take a spiritual journey into my inner-self. I read some articles, watched some videos, drank lots of tea and hot lemon water, and I began to do things that made me feel human again. I started doing yoga online with over a million people who also watch the same videos and practice the same poses every day. I took long hot baths and listened to guided meditations and looked at the person inside of me who has been aching to be let out for many years now. One night as I laid in bed thinking about how upset I was with someone I had been speaking to that day, I had an epiphany. A realization that I hadn’t truly forgiven anybody for what may have been a lifetime. For years I’d been holding on to these grudges, holding on to guilt and pain that not only tore down the people I loved, but tore me down every time I had to think about it. I was choosing pain over love and forgiveness, and in that moment, I decided to let it all go. And at the very moment I made that decision, all the voices in my head hushed. It was as though there was a storm, a flock of screeching seagulls and swarm of circling sharks were surrounding a boat that was ready to sink and drown me beneath it and then all at once there was silence. The sea fell calm and the boards of the ship have fallen gently into place where they once nestled perfectly and there I am standing at the bow as it pulls straight ahead into opportunity, purpose, and happiness. I laid in bed and listened to the sound of my own voice in my head, and she was all alone up there. She outstretched her arms and plopped on her bed and let out a small chuckle. It was as though I was meeting an old friend after many long years of separation. It was finally just me, without all of the pain, hatred, and guilt that had built up in my mind for so many miserable years. There was no screaming, nobody to make me feel sad, nobody telling me to hate myself, my past was no longer pinning me to the ground while my fear punched me repeatedly, I was finally free. As I closed my eyes that night, I realized how excited I was to wake up, and it was only to open my eyes, breathe deeply into my lungs, and enjoy that I exist here and now.

As the days go by, I continue to listen to my breath, listen to my body, and look inward at myself. At the end of everyday I take a deep breath in of everything I have seen and felt throughout the day, and with a big exhale, I let it all go. The negativity that I once felt doesn’t carry over from one day to the next, because I no longer allow it to. Sometimes I will think about how close I came to giving up everything I am realizing I have, and it propels me forward. This year will be all about living in the moments that are given right now. Allowing for a spiritual mind, a healthy body, and a nurtured soul. There is no way to control the world around us, all we can do is take it bit by bit and decide how it will affect our lives. We are the masters of our own happiness, and I understand that now. So far, I am on my twenty-third straight day of yoga and meditation, and I am happy to announce that I feel better than I ever have. I love my body, I feel happy in my own skin, and my relationship is at the best it has ever been despite us being thousands of miles apart. This year I vow to take care of my mind and body, look for the positive things in my life, pause often to take in the little things about the world around me and appreciate them, to have a clear mind and a loving heart, to do things that I love to do and to take this new energy and channel it towards honing a new craft or skill. I vow to be the happiest person I can be for myself and my little family. For me, this year really is a fresh start, I anticipate that my depression will find its way back into my life, but I now have the tools to keep it at bay, and not even depression is going to stop me from basking in the sun or splashing around in the rain without my consent anymore.

Here’s to you, darling 2021, and may you go down in history as the year of the freshest starts and 365 days of new adventures.

Always and Forever,

Your Grateful Friend