Here Again

Sweating, my hand gripped the rail as I dragged each foot up another step. I didn't realise how many I would have to climb; regardless, a mild calmness seeped through me as I knew what was awaiting me at the top. Slamming my hands on the door handles, I pulled them open to breathe the crisp morning air. My mind was caught up in the serenity of the dawn, the enchanting purple streaks across the waking sky, the peek of the sun’s glowing face over the horizon. My eyes closed, taking it all in, arms outstretched to welcome the new day, content that it would be my last. A flock of birds flew past, screeching and disrupting my morning welcome. I opened my eyes and sighed in mild annoyance, only then acknowledging the figure peering over the roof’s ledge.

Surely not, of all the days..., my mind begged the situation to be different as I hesitantly walked over, reached out, and tapped them on the shoulder.

Startled, his head whipped around to see who had disrupted his deep trance. I inspected the person, noticing his hands, which were still gripping the ledge, a faded scar running down from his knuckles to the base of his wrist. I looked back upward to his face, meeting his eyes, only to be addressed by an empty gleam.

“What are you doing?” I muttered, his hazed eyelids fluttering sporadically. The stale stench of alcohol wafted through the air, and I had to stop myself from convulsing from the pungent smell. He seemed to lose focus, hands turning white from the firm grip he kept on the ledge. Inebriated, I concluded, casting my eyes down to the empty bottle that lay next to his feet. He shrugged and turned back to gaze at the horizon. I feared he would do something rash if I were to leave. Hesitantly, I shuffled over and stood beside them.

Why do you care? Just leave him, he clearly wants to be alone.

Something kept me grounded where I was. After a few minutes of silence, I saw his mouth quiver.

“She left. She took my children and left. I don't know what I’m going to do,” he whispered, voice raspy and hoarse. The words barely scratched up his restricted throat. I stayed silent, afraid he might stop talking if I interjected.

“There's nothing left for me here. There’s nothing left to live for.”

Tears threatened to pierce through his eyes as the atmosphere shifted. With a single swift motion, he sprang up onto the ledge. An aura of desire for his chance at sweet release radiated from his eyes, as they peered down to the pavement below.

“NO!” I screamed, desperately clutching his wrists, forcefully wrenching them away from his inevitable death.

“...Why? ...just let me go,” he whimpered, his words contradicting his fearful tone.

“You can't give up. You have to continue fighting for yourself... and more importantly for your children.” I brought a hand to my own face, hiding the small drops forming in the corners of my eyes.

What are you saying?

He glanced at me with a vacant expression before returning to the floor, his eyes shutting in defeat.

“I'm...sorry.”

He wasn't speaking to me anymore, but into the dark abyss which his mind was drowning in.

I slowly rose to my feet, turned, and staggered towards the door. I turned my head slightly to catch one last glimpse of the man, scarred hands covering his weary face, tears soaking through. My hands touched the rusted metal door, then the rail, as I trudged back down the stairs.

____________________________________________________

Sweating, my hand gripped the rail, as I forced my feet to reach the top. Memories of the gloomy man eerily danced in the back of my mind, a shake of my head dissipating them to nothing. I felt a rush of adrenaline as I was finally about to do what I’d yearned for…ultimately, be free. I greeted the rusted and heavy door and thrust it open; my high spirits immediately squandered. I spotted a pathetic, thin stream of smoke hovering through the air, directing my line of sight to… the ledge.

Of all the rooftops in the world…

The cold wind bit at my ankles, my footsteps making harsh plosive clicks as I approached the… boy?

It was a boy, no older than seventeen. I noticed the limp cigarette desperately clutched between two skinny fingers, his arms twitching softly at rhythmic intervals. His feet were dangling precariously off the ledge, the afternoon traffic blaring softly below. He noticed me and hurriedly put out the cigarette next to him, an evident scowl contorting his face. He clearly wasn't happy to be interrupted. He turned back to the open sky and held his arms close to his chest, trying to cease their incessant twitching.

“What do you want sir? Could you hurry it up? I've got an appointment with the pavement below,” gesturing his chin to the sheer drop that lay in front of him.

Great, a teenage brat.

“Listen, kid, come off the ledge,” I reasoned but kept my distance to avoid agitating him further.

“What do you know? You have no idea what I am going through. Just go away, let me be alone,” he punctuated, his stubbornness striking through the nervous tension.

He's right. What do you know? Tryna be a saint?

“I'm not here to judge you, and I can't stop you. Just tell me why you are here,” I said, hoping to at least distract him. The boy huffed and swung his legs back around to face me, but remained adamantly on the ledge.

Why are you going this far? Why are you trying to convince this boy not to jump? Do you know what you are? A hypocrite. You’re lucky this boy was here to stop you from hurling your pathetic self off.

"Shut up" I muttered under my breath, shaking the insipid drone from my mind. The boy. I had to worry about the boy first. He looked at me incredulously, somewhat intrigued.

“Well, what would you do if your parents abandoned you, all your friends seem to love to talk about you when you’re not there, and the emptiness and inevitable failure inside you starts to suffocate your entire being?” he recited sardonically, hands gesturing to his surroundings, theatrically leaning back towards the plummeting drop. I sighed, walking over and sitting down next to him, hands splayed on the rough ledge. His face twisted into one of confusion, threatening to let loose the floodgate of emotion behind his facade of confidence and anger. I took out a cigarette, lit it, and puffed silently. He looked on in awe but said nothing. We seemed to remain next to each other in mutual, unspoken understanding, watching the sun escape the overwhelming sky, setting down over the horizon as a pathetic, thin stream of smoke cued the glowing dusk.

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Sweating, my hand gripped the rail as I sprinted up the steps. No interruptions, no distractions, This was the day! But an inkling of doubt festered within me, knotting deep in the recesses of my soul. The rusty doors whined open, seemingly annoyed at my repeated entrances. The blaring sun cracked through, almost blinding my eyes. As they adjusted, I squinted enough to see a child in a bright blue jacket, little finger scraping about in the dust. I almost laughed. This is insane. I looked closer to see he was crying, his scrawny knees scrunched up to his chest. I inched closer, my hand extending to his small, hunched shoulder. He hiccoughed and looked at my face, his startling blue eyes peering into my soul. I stumbled a few steps back and asked from a distance if he was okay.

He sniffled and wiped his face on his sleeve, grudgingly saying that he was fine. I chuckled at his crumpled pout and waited for him to explain.

He picked at his nails and circled his finger across the scattered dust on the floor, allowing glimpses of cement to be revealed. I leaned over to see that he had drawn a small butterfly. Again, I asked him what was wrong and where his parents were.

“Mum and dad keep fighting. I think they are going to di-... div-... ‘divorshe’.” He stumbled through the pronunciation of the word as tears began to well up in his eyes again. I knelt down, searching for the right words to say.

“Hey there, they aren't going to leave you, it’s completely normal! I'm sure your mother is looking for you right now… let's go find her,” I said with a forced tone of optimism, slightly tugging at his jacket.

The wind changed, the dust shifted and the small butterfly disappeared. His head snapped up, staring back into my very being.

What will you do once you’re alone? Why are you putting on an act in front of these people, why delay the inevitable? You are a hypocrite, a shameless hypocrite that no one believes in.

You deserve to die.

The loud and ominous voice seemed to surround me, and yet, echoed from within my skull at the same time.

Open your eyes...

I clawed at my head, fingers scraping the pounding skin in a futile attempt to remove the voice from inside me. Faces seemed to sprout from the darkness, the man, the teenager, the small child. Their fingers torching my skin and tearing up my little resolve.

We are one and the same, but only you can mend yourself.

My eyes bulged, pupils dilating in a frantic frenzy, darting around, searching for a place to escape.

Why. Are. You. Doing. This.

My throat was closing, the shutting walls threatening to suffocate me. My hands flew to my neck, desperately scratching to relieve this effervescent torture. I opened my mouth to scream in agony, yet no sound escaped, nothing was happening, nothing was changing. The pulsing, bloody manacles that chained me down grew stronger, my head beating percussively and drowned me in a swollen, palpitating sea of despair, anger and confusion.

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Calmly, the man’s hands swayed by his side, in sync with his rising footsteps. He arrived at the top, smiling at the familiar doors. Turning the latch, he witnessed the developing dusk. He breathed easy, gliding atop the ledge, a mangled cigarette butt next to his feet. His hands rose up, fingers stretched over the scars on his knuckles, arms twitching rhythmically as they stretched over the evening zenith. He tapped his feet, and a smile stretched across his weary face. His past memories of the people and the mental breakdown, were a fuzzy static, softly blaring in his mind’s archives. His body rocked back and forth on his heels, faded blue jacket rippling through the growing wind.

Just go, this is what you wanted.

……….

Why haven’t you jumped yet?

What, have you finally grown a conscience? Think that makes you the bigger person?

Jump!

JUMP!

The voice in his head was less sharp than before, now muted against his numbed senses. He was waiting, waiting for something to happen, someone to stop him. Swaying, back and forth, back and forth,

Stop.

His eyes widened, his hands paused midair. No one was coming.

Who am I waiting for?

A sudden realisation washed over him, the gloaming air turning sour. He felt foolish and descended from the abused ledge. Mind reeling in confusion he turned to witness the twilight sky, a dark array of purples and blues, streaking with haste across the vast canvas. The distant trees black, silhouetted against the breathtaking view.

His cheeks glistened, reflecting the stars as transparent tears glided down his face.