Healing Journal Entry One

I decided to create a "healing journal" that pretty much encompasses random things I realized as I matured. In a way, this journal will be a form of therapy for me and maybe something relatable for you. As a disclaimer, I am in therapy, and I am still working through a lot of concepts, but this is just another form of release for me.

There's only so much my therapist can do, and it's my job to take what I've learned from therapy and make things make more sense for me. Writing makes sense to me. So if you decide to follow along on this journey, welcome!

This first entry will talk about a deep wound that barely scabbed over and the dead, dried skin peeled off, and now blood and sticky blood plasma are oozing. This deep wound would have to be a trusted relationship that I recently found out was not to be trusted.

Let's get into it.

Title: An Unexpected Villian

Have you ever had someone in your life that you loved so much and honestly thought they could do no wrong? Like, even though other prevalent characters made your life a living hell, you thought that no matter what bad they did, it didn't even measure up? You looked up to them, trusted them, loved them. You thought they had your back through everything.

Yeah, I know how that feels. That was my dad.

I can honestly admit that I feel stupid writing about my dad because this isn't my first time. I wrote a post on Medium in 2019, pretty much screaming for his attention and talking about how I wanted him to hear me.

The sad part is, I even sent the post to him to read, and he had no words. He just brushed it over and moved on like it was nothing. Like how my feelings didn't matter and that my writing was pointless.

It only gets worse from there.

After failed attempts of trying to rekindle our relationship, I sent him another heartfelt blog post, well, an email rather, and it fell on deaf ears again. After sending the email, he promised that we would talk about what was going on and we would try to find a resolve, but I should have known better.

I know to many of you, this may sound like a relationship between two lovers, but nope. It's between my dad and me. You may also be wondering, what happened to you?

The answer isn't simple.

Many things happened, and honestly, I have no idea what to even do about it. Like, where do I even start?

I've forgiven him, and I'm working on healing myself, but some days, it just sucks, and I hate it. I miss him, and I want to be around him, but then I'm reminded of my wounds, and I want nothing to do with him.

I'm reminded that the itchy scab is just trying to heal over so I can focus on myself, but instead, I keep hurting myself. I keep picking at the wound, trying to heal it the best way I know, but I keep hurting myself. I think maybe this time will be different, and it'll heal just the way I want, but I keep hurting myself.

He lied to me. He betrayed my trust. He put me in dangerous situations. Yet I still wanted to be around him, and I wanted his love. I wanted his attention. But it was all a lie.

It was all a facade. He was present enough for us to say that he existed, but that's all he ever did. Exist. He didn't have emotions. He didn't step up when needed. He just wanted to keep the peace.

The only emotion he had was when you challenged him and made him question his choices and the things he was doing. He had an excellent way of gaslighting you that it made you believe him. He really had me thinking, "well, maybe I am wrong here," "maybe I need to take a beat," "maybe I am the problem?"

Am I the drama?

When in reality, it was never me. It was him. He made me believe that it was me who caused all that happened when I was a child.

Yes, I know at this point, you definitely want context, and I will give you some at a later point. Just know that it is so much, and I have no idea where to start.

It's just been a massive struggle for me, trying to understand that people really do fuck you up because of their insecurities or their lack of emotional understanding. As people, we'd much rather project our hurt and fears onto others, including our children, to hide how we really feel.

Consciously or unconsciously, we know what's right and what's wrong. We don't have a consciousness for no reason, right? We have an intuition for a reason, right? So if something doesn't feel right, why do we keep doing it?

That is the question I so badly wanted him to answer for me, but I don't even think he knows at this point. Maybe he does. All I know is, even if he were to tell me, I most likely wouldn't be satisfied.

Like, what is he going to say thats going to change how I feel? How am I sure that he will change his behavior?

I don't believe what someone says or does. Those are only temporary.

Show me your patterns...

Healing, for me, doesn't come from him and "closure"; it comes from forgiving myself and understanding that I don't need to wait on him to apologize or make it make sense. Because maybe it isn't for me to understand?

I don't know.

I'm still healing, though, and I'll eventually feel better. For now, I write about my pain in hopes that maybe someone else understands and needs someone to talk to about it.

There are so many great therapy resources available and if you have health insurance, seek therapy.

Therapy is scary and gross and uncomfortable at first because you may still have guilt, but that's what your therapist is for.

Speaking of therapists, I should probably schedule another appointment ASAP. As of this post, I am honestly not okay.

I've decided to include a quote at the end of each of my posts. So today, I will leave you with this:

"Your feelings are valid. You have the right to feel whatever you feel. You aren't exaggerating. You aren't being too sensitive. You aren't being dramatic. You're hurting, and that's okay." -Unknown Author.

So, if you need to cry today, please do. Please do whatever you need to do to feel better for YOU.