Just Keep Spinning

It starts off as a wave of euphoria. It consumes you, making you want to stay in this feeling for as long as you can. You don't want it to stop. You wish it would never stop, but it does. And when it does, it doesn't just stop.

It crashes.

Like a wave of unsettled, unruly, untamed, uncontainable pain that tries to keep you down, dragging you back into the waters, deep, deep, into a spinning cycle of unknowing.

Unknowing.

You just don't know when it will stop. When will you feel that euphoria again? When will you feel like yourself again? In those moments, you just spin.

Round and round and round and round.

But then something happens. You start to feel something.

This is where it gets tricky. This is where you have to decide which feeling is right. But how can one make a logical decision when spinning? You're already jostled and fearful and sad and confused. You can't possibly make the right decision at this time. So what do you feel?

Do you feel fear?

An overwhelming sickening pain of anxiety. Your skin feels cold and damp, and anything you touch feels like pins and needles. It's uncomfortable. It's unearthing. It's knowing that at this moment you can't possibly make a reliable decision. Fight or flight? Sink or swim? Relax or spin?

Do you feel high?

The euphoric feeling of comfort, but you know it will only last for so long. Kind of like when you're out with friends laughing and drinking, smoking even if that's your scene. But you know that once you all finish your meals and your drinks, you have to go home. You have to face yourself. You have to face these feelings. You just want to be happy again. You spin.

You feel love

Ah, if someone blatantly disagrees and tells you love is not a drug, well, they're lying. They're lying, right? When you're in love after such a dark place, you want to give them everything. You want to be touched.

You want to be held.

You want them to remember your favorite movie and that you hate green beans. You always have. You also hate ordering food in person.

But you also know that one day, that person you love so dearly may not feel the way you do. Insecurities and trauma have a funny way of making it seem like it's your fault. So we spin.

Do you feel annoyed?

Everything is annoying. Your dog barking. Your partner laughing. Your past-due bills. How your coworker dresses. The messy kitchen. There's just so much to be annoyed about. It just doesn't stop. So you spin.

Do you feel like giving up?

When things get tough, it's so easy to blame ourselves for stuff out of our control.

Bad day at work? I must have done something wrong, or I'm just not cut out for this.

Your partner cheated on you? I probably should have stayed home as they asked me to. Maybe then they wouldn't have done what they did.

Your parents called you a disappointment? They're right; I'm not as bright as my tri-athletic, summa cum laude, lawyer brother who is saving the world as we speak.

When we feel like the world is weighing down on our shoulders, it's so easy to try to part ways with what we know to be our current reality. We often daydream of what life would be like outside of these feelings, but sometimes that's not enough to keep us at peace. We try to reach out, sometimes to the wrong people, but how would we know? We're still spinning. I want it to stop spinning, but I can't.

After spinning for some time, you get back to that wave of euphoria. The fun, happy, high moments you wish to have more of, but then, you spin again. Then it just continues to cycle. Over and over again. Round and round again.

I just want to stop spinning. I want to stop depending on these earthy emotions that continue to disappoint me. Friends and family continue to disappoint me. Jobs that keep disappointing me. Expectations I set for myself continue to disappoint me.

I know I should depend on myself. I know that I could stand up and stop these waves from dragging deep into the ocean depths of despair and confusion and unknowing if I wanted to. I know I can stop spinning. I know it.

But how can I know which way to go? I'm disorientated. I know I've been here so many times before, but where do I go?

Maybe there is little comfort in the spin. Comfort in the unknown. It's predictably unpredictable. I know that I will feel something, perhaps not what I want to feel, but it's something.

At least that's something.

So maybe... I'll just keep spinning?