Healing

I am not one to share the intimate details of my childhood. I feel better showing off that I had a safe and almost perfect life. But more and more I am noticing the facade is cracking a bit. Talking about my home life, I see it as a blurry image. A dream, like it never happened but it did. Being forthright about my past is hard. Being vulnerable make me feel fragile; like the moment the words leave my lips I will break. My world will crumble. I need to though for my sake, the sake of my family. I want them to see me whole again.

As a mother, I am fiercely protective. I would never put my kids in the same situation I was in. No one will ever lay a hand on them! Not even me! The older they get the more fragile I see them. The more I feel like I could shatter. I often have racing thoughts, never brave enough to allow myself to feel them. It's a journey!

From time to time I will share my process. What I am doing to deal with my childhood trauma and share what I went through in due time. It has taken me 30 years to deal with it. Sharing it out loud makes me want to hide! I never thought that I would ever speak about the abuse, the constant lack of trust. To this day, trusting people is tough for me. I can put on an act, I have done it my whole life! Now I have to break down the facade, I can't continue to maintain it, it is too much work.

Having grown up with trauma, take a while for it to finally bubble up, at least for me. I can never put into words what happened. It gets caught in my throat, I hyperventilate. Then I go numb! I don't want to go there, I know soon especially during therapy. Not yet, I can't.

Therapy has been helping, I feel like I am going through this emotional and psychological purge of feelings and memories. It goes from my skin crawling to crying till my eyes are swollen shut. There is no in between for me when it comes to my trauma. Trust issues a plenty, low self esteem, needing constant approval. I will share what I am doing to stop and realize that I am ok. Scratch that, someday I will be okay.