Grieving The Life You Never Had

Grief is normally associated with the loss of a loved one, or any other form of experienced loss, whether tangible or intangible. It is a given that life hands us all lemons from time to time. It can boil down to the quality and the size of the lemon sometimes. If the lemon is too bitter, watch out. And how we deal with that lemon is a combination of karma, life experiences and decisions made or not made. We all have regrets, and life is too short to have them. No one should judge that though, as we all have different life experiences, and some people's path to prosperity, success and ambition is not always linear. There are detours along the way. Why is that so?

Our parents

If you had absent parents, whether through illness, working long hours, and/or they were dealing with their own trauma and demons while pregnant with you in your mothers womb, combined with addictions; it rubs off on you as a child, and if unresolved, into adulthood and beyond. To some degree we do choose our parents, mainly unconsciously, as they are teachers in addition to being the best providers possible. It seems selfish when a mother brings a child into the world when they are not well and able to themselves - yet life is a journey, and to most parents, they will tell you that having children is a gift. Whether it is fair or not, and whether we believe it or not; our parents play a big paw in setting us up in life, from the school they choose to put us in, to how they treat us.

If our parents were abused as children, and they have not dealt with that abuse, and they have you; that abuse gets passed on in some way, shape or form, and that leads to...

Childhood trauma

Just because something horrific happens to you, does not always equate to trauma. It depends on your level of awareness and vulnerability. As children, we are all vulnerable. Our basic personalities and confidence is formed in the first decade or so of life, and then as we become older we become more and more responsible for ourselves. Misfortunes happen to all people, whether you are deemed a nice, friendly and caring person from others or not. These misfortunes are life experiences sure; yet if they are a frequent occurrence (loss after loss after loss), then something has clearly been programmed from the past in your unconscious mind like a sponge, and the inner work will be needed to address that. Changing any limiting beliefs is a great start.

Calculating your ACE score (just Google that term) helps you identify any childhood trauma/s, and then you can begin to do something about that.

Trauma is exhausting

If you feel like it was (and still is) a grind, and a deep uphill battle to achieve a certain goal, while a peer of yours seems to have achieved such with ease in comparison; then trauma carried into adulthood from childhood, and new traumas gained in adulthood (for example, from a car accident or bullying at work to name) is the culprit. It is like walking through honey. That would be incredibly sticky. It is also like (metaphorically speaking still) carrying a bucket full of bricks with each hand. With resolving trauma, it is like getting rid of a brick at a time, and then your baggage is lighter and lighter, until there are barely (if any) bricks to carry.

Life is unfair

Still no sugarcoating. Based on the soul contracts we all signed, we are all doing the best we can with the resources we have available, and yes that includes the people who brought you into this lifetime (your parent/s). You can take a set of twins, and they both get married. One is happily married with a home provided for by her husband, while another ends up being involved in a bitter, expensive divorce from an abusive marriage - although they had the same genetics and the same parents. Some people have to work harder than others to achieve the same goal. Others get bored quickly, while other people have the right amount of physical, mental and emotional stimulation in the same role. Some people get a second chance from a serious illness or mistake, while others are not so lucky. Trauma plays a role in this, as it shapes our beliefs, experiences and attitudes about life. Sometimes we are just dealt a wrong hand unexpectedly, as part of one's learning curve in cultivating a growth mindset, combined with more gratitude for what is actually going great, no matter how simple on the surface.

Balance

One of my mentors in this field of personal growth and psychology, Dr John Demartini purports that we all live a life according to our hierarchy of values. That makes a significant amount of sense. We lose motivation and drive on matters that are not of the heart. When someone is challenging you, there is always someone supporting you, even if life turned out differently to what you had planned. When the life trajectory that you are on is not satisfying; it is therefore healthy, fruitful and progressive to grieve that life that you did not get. Disappointment and frustration is part of the deal, as well as abundance and joy. When we see both sides of everything, that is where healing begins. We are all both sides. We can be nice, and we can be mean. We are negative thinkers, as well as positive thinkers. It is unrealistic to be happy all the time; yet if you are a happy person overall through life's ups and downs - you are winning at life, even if you do not always get what you want.

Gratitude and love

Two of the highest positive emotions that a human being can evoke. Even if you have been dealt breadcrumbs, rather than the entire buffet; being resentful on the back of such adversity, setbacks and disappointments only keeps you stuck. If you search wide enough, and ask the right questions; you might (just might) be pleasantly surprised with the gems that surface. You might be a more resilient person than anticipated. Life will throw you curveballs and lemons at surprisingly random times. The key is to duck deep; and therefore cultivating an attitude of gratitude for your life is the first step to true and authentic self love.

Focus on what is going great - on what you have been able to manifest, even though life can be very tough and sticky sometimes.

Do something

Life rewards action. If you sit on your backside complaining about the life you never had, and for life being unfair is not going to gel. That can be anything. Getting onto a meditation cushion (for example) is something towards healing that trauma, and removing one brick at a time from the bucket that you have been carrying around unconsciously, and then consciously. Inner child regressions such as crawling on the ground, and giving yourself permission to colour in with your non-dominant hand, just like a three year old (thanks to their motor skills) colours outside the lines are decent examples. Through the art of making this mistake, you will begin to show yourself some more compassion. Listen to music from your teenage years if you feel that you need to heal that part. This article is not designed to be the final solution, but to help you grieve the life you never had so that you can move forward and progress. Healing is personal, and therefore there is no one size fits all to the healing techniques that you choose. Some people like physical touch, while for others that can be seriously triggering.

Rest and recharge

There is a time to rest and enjoy the yin side of things, in keeping with a balanced life while grieving any form of loss - even for something that was meant t0 happen that either fell through, or did not happen at all. Reflection and resetting are more than buzz words.

In conclusion, grieving the life that you never had has its own metronome, like any form of grief. Healing and awareness meets preparedness for change. The five stages of grief, from denial to acceptance is still prominent in this form of grief.