Grief is like a Rollercoaster

Just another one of my blatant outpouring of feelings. Feel free to skip it if you'd like..

Loss as a loop

Imagine a cartoon character getting knocked on the head, with little birds swirling around in circles above them.

That’s how my life feels. My grief resembles a never-ending rollercoaster, looping back on itself without pause. The only way it seems to stop is to reset and start the loop all over again. People die. My father died when I was just 9. I had only met him a few times, but his absence hit me hard, knowing I would never see him "occasionally" again. My mother was my everything. She introduced me to British television, the classical and slow music I adore, and instilled in me a sense of honor. She passed away when I was 12. I was at a loss for how to respond. Initially, I didn’t grieve; I convinced myself she would return soon. When that didn’t happen, the grief hit me, accompanied by anger. Then my grandparents passed away. My life felt like an endless series of funerals. Like a loop of perpetual grieving.

I can still picture my mother in her bedroom, lying in a hospital bed. I knew she was unwell, but I didn’t realize she was dying. We couldn’t snuggle up in bed to watch our favorite Saturday night shows like Bob Newhart, The Mary Tyler Moore Show, and The Carol Burnett Show because the bed was too small. Instead, I would pull up a chair and sit with her. Those moments were filled with happiness, and I felt special because it was our time together. Eventually, we sold the house, and I was separated from my brother, living in different parts of the city with our respective guardians. Everything that represented my mother vanished, leaving only a single tombstone in Lawndale Cemetery.

Grieving those who are still alive.

I mourned my parents, grandparents, and the innocence that was repeatedly taken from me between the ages of 5 and 17. I came to understand loss deeply; I knew that people die and by the time I turned 18, I realized my childhood and innocence had been stolen, and I felt a surge of anger at myself for allowing it to happen and for never speaking up or taking action about it. So grieving those thing were basically old hat to me. But what I didn't know was about the people who left you that lived. The lovers, the friends, even the pets. When I entered my 20s I started having those losses. And the rollercoaster began again. My heart was like a revolving door. People kept leaving. So many woman, Avis, Greta, Carol, Lee, Jennifer, Puna and now finally my current beloved. Each one was like a death but they were keeping me from seeing them, they still lived and I couldn't watch their smiles and triumphs and a piece of me died a little more each time a breakup occurred.

The Distance between us is not mileage

As many know, the woman I am in love with lives 6000 miles away from me. When I first met her she showered me with love, kisses and affection. She couldn't wait to see me when I visited her. Every second with her was pure bliss. I don't believe I have ever loved anyone as much as I do her. The trip was amazing! But afterwards, as time passed she pulled further and further away from me. With not much more than the occasional, "I'm sorry, sorry, too busy for social media, but I love you sooo much" then after a while she didn't write as much, then she got angry when I wrote about how much I love her. Now we've not chatted at all in 5 weeks. I know she isn't in love with me but I don't think I'll ever know why she just stopped caring. I love her and her children more than anything in my life. I can tell people who treat me poorly to fuck off, and I can close the door on narcissist type people. I don't beg anyone to love me, but her... I miss with every cell in my body. I would give her anything that I own. I care about her children with everything I have. I want to cheer them on when they need it and buy them things when they want them. I want to see them smile. But the distance between us is not mileage. It's her unwillingness to let me into her life in any shape or form.

So the Rollercoaster keeps on and on and on.

So I write. I've been told I should have more of a filter. But I have to pour out my heart sometimes and read and re-read it to try and find some understanding as to why I'm just not loveable. I'm not writing this for any kind of reassurance or kudos or attention. Don't comment because you feel sorry for me. Comment if you understand or have felt this way yourself.

I'm really ready for the rollercoaster to stop moving...

Thanks for reading. Like I said. This is just me thinking aloud. - Sam