Gratitude as the only pain relief

To one of my closests friends, I can’t tell you how much I’m grateful for the way you saved my life, just sorry I couldn’t have done the same for you. Rest In Peace.

For all the nights I can’t remember, thank you for being my 4am call. We parted ways months ago yet I know that had it come to it, you’d still pick up at 4am.

They told you that I was heartless and cold, you showed me that I am more. I listened to the playlist, found that love letter you wrote and never sent.

I can only promise that you will live on for as long as I am breathing, a piece of you tucked away in the memories of the surviving.

I’ve said goodbye to a few too many, between me and you I always thought that I would go first.

Thank you for all you’ve done for me over the last couple years and for being you. Know that for as long as I am breathing, a piece of you will live on in my memories.

“Life with no regrets” you said, I really fucking hope you died without any.

You have the opportunity each day to pick between struggle or easy. Most people like my old self chose the easy way, to give up or to give in to let life carry on in whatever direction the water flowed, to never steer against the wave.

Stop what you’re doing

Choose again

If you keep doing the same shit over and over again, there isn’t going to be a new outcome. Miracles like the shit on tv don’t happen. No matter how much faith you have, you always have to get real. Being real means to know that this one life you have, is the one chance for you to do something different. You can make change by being the change you want to be. You can accept that this life this is all you’re ever going to amount to and live it day by day or just end it all. Or you can have fun, create stuff everyday.

Life with no regrets means that you die today, without feeling like you didn’t do something or didn’t get the most out of your time. If you never realize how easy it is to die, or how limited your time is here you’re never really going to start living. Just going to conform to normality, do as you’re told and live a life of regret. Try again next time.

Being spontaneous in life, what does that even mean to you? Going on trips whenever you please? Buying whatever the fuck you want? Doing whatever you want? So what is this “whatever you want” part of life. Wanting stuff in life, that’s fine. But it seems like most of people want stuff that doesn’t really matter. Experience life without really living, just buying a bunch of shit that doesn’t matter to impress people who really don’t matter.

Finding a life purpose isn’t easy. You don’t know what you want because you’re reminded growing up to settle down, to find a job, to do this or do that to secure this and secure that. Freedom. When you have it, what is it that you do? When you don’t know then you’re not ready to get there. Is freedom to laugh when you want, to eat what you want, to watch what you want, to cry when you want? What the fuck does freedom mean to you? Are you caged? Freedom is like that shiny object that you don’t know, until you know what you want a day in life to look like for you, you won’t be free. You’re captive to your mind and forever stuck there.

Financial Freedom is what? Winning the lotto? And then what are you going to do? What’s the point of winning the lotto if you don’t even know what you’re doing with the money. You hear time and time again of all the people who went bankrupt after they win the lotto. So don’t hope on that shit, just because you have the money at one point doesn’t mean you’re free. Just like growing up with a silver spoon doesn’t mean you will die the same way, because you’re lacking ambition you’re lacking dreams and goals and knowing what you want. You definitely won’t find your dreams and goals sitting on a stack of money cause you’re not hungry, you’re not hungry for success and you’re not hungry for anything. You don’t know what the struggle is, what any human struggle is.

Depression, being lost, life going sideways for you six ways to Sunday is a blessing in disguise. Only through a mess can you find your way out. Only when you have no where else to turn and you dig deep within yourself can you find the answer to “what the fuck is my purpose”.

The only way I’ve made sense of all the life shit that’s tossed in my way, is to be grateful for the power to deal with all the bullshit. To have had the opportunity to feel the things I have, see the shit I have, and live to tell another day.

As much as I’m angry, sad, hurt and fucked up in the head… thank you for giving me another loss to learn that I need to be grateful I had the chance to lose.