From the Mind of a Dysthymic Aspie

She never really knew how she got herself into bad situations, not until after all hell had already broken loose and lost a good portion of her sanity in the process. She made friends easily, but would loose them just as quickly in the aftermath of the insanity she called her life.

It hurt her deeply to know that she would be abandoned by the wayside of life when her life would take a swan dive off of the high dive into a pool of set concrete that was evenly laced with bricks of C4 set to go off when she reached the surface.

It was in these times that she felt the most lonely and out of place in and amongst society; after being left to her own devices of her life’s wreckage, she felt less and less like a human being and more and more like an alien from a far off planet.

She would always be told to be more positive, be more kind and generous to other people, be the Good Samaritan you want to see in the world; she only these fleeting moments of what these things are, always doing her best to be what she needed in the world.

In a time where she felt the most desperation, she kept her face above water; slow treading through life by the sheer means of inner city survival. She knew she was in a bad position when she considered going out and panhandling for change; the embarrassment she felt was so great, it prevented her from ever leaving the small 9 foot wide by 15 foot long space that she couldn’t even call home.

Home. A word that holds more meaning to her than Love, Marriage or Family, because you can find all of those things at home; These are one of the few things that she does not understand. Home is something she is not familiar with.

All she knows is how to mask that which makes her truly special and unique to comfort the masses that choose to not show her any understanding, because that which makes her special brings discomfort to them, and yet they still expect her to conform to their standards without asking any questions.

“My Way or the Highway”

“Speak when Spoken to”

“Be Seen but Never Heard”

“Do as You’re Told”

“Get with the Program”

“Quit Wasting Time”

“Why are You so Worthless”

“What’s Wrong with You”

“Can’t You do Anything Right”

“Are You Retarded”

“How could You be so Stupid”

“What in the Hell were You Thinking”

“Why can’t You be like Everyone Else”

“You should have Made Better Decisions with Your Life”

These words that swirl around in her head, no matter how hard she fights to keep them away, never stay away for very long.

“Unless Your Willing to Sell Your Body Online or on a Corner, You’ll find it Very Difficult to get the Help You Need”

“Hey Baby, How Much”

“Are You Looking for a Good Time”

“You should let me get at that Pussy, Let me Eat that Pussy out, Let me get into that Pussy”

“I don’t feel right Giving You a Job as a Dishwasher in the Kitchen at my Store, You should just Give Me Massages Instead”

“I don’t know How you can even Resist me, I am the Best there is on the Block.”

“Because You are as Isolated as I am, maybe We should Hangout Together so We can be Less Lonely Together”

She felt unsafe in the place where she rests her head, not knowing the comfort of someone holding her and telling her that she was going to be okay because they were with her, not knowing what it is to be defended by such social atrocities; She always defending herself and her honor as if God himself blessed her with an actual set of testicles.

To not know solace from her emotional pain nor reprieve from her, what feels like, decaying mental health brought her no ease as she found herself questioning what was left of her own fragile sanity and humanity; stuck in an infinite loop of never ending questions.

“Will anyone come to help me?”

“Where did everyone go?”

“What did I do?”

“Why do I feel so useless?”

“Why can’t I do Anything Right?”

“Why did Everyone Abandon Me?”

“Am I really that worthless?”

The mask she was forced to wear kept hidden that which made her special, but that very same mask also made it hard for the outside world to have any true understanding of who she genuinely was, what she was truly capable of; the mask she wore concealed many of the deep, gaping emotional wounds that never truly healed; she was never given a key to take the mask off, she does not know what she looks like, until the moment someone discovers that she is held captive within her own mental prison, it is most certain she may never see the light of day again.

Only her mental monsters and emotional demons are what can be seen, they help scare away the truly bold that dare try and help her escape the blacked out snow globe she calls her mind; always pounding on the glass, screaming on the inside. And all she can do and has done is wait, and pray; all she has left is her faith in one of life’s random passerby hears the pounding on the glass to help her find her way out.

But until then, she will forever be alone.