Flying Monkeys:

When it comes to narcissistic abuse, the term "flying monkeys" may seem like an odd phrase at first glance, but it perfectly encapsulates one of the most insidious tactics narcissists use to maintain control over their victims. Borrowed from The Wizard of Oz, where the Wicked Witch of the West commands a fleet of flying monkeys to do her bidding, the term now applies to people the narcissist manipulates to further their agenda. Flying monkeys carry out the narcissist’s dirty work by spreading lies, defending them, and attacking the narcissist's target. This tactic not only keeps the narcissist’s hands clean but also amplifies their manipulation, leaving the victim isolated, overwhelmed, and even more vulnerable.

In this article, we’ll dive deep into what flying monkeys are, how narcissists manipulate them, and how victims can protect themselves from this form of abuse.

What Are Flying Monkeys?

Flying monkeys are people—whether friends, family members, coworkers, or acquaintances—who have been recruited by a narcissist to do their bidding. Unlike the narcissist, who is the puppet master behind the scenes, flying monkeys are often unaware that they’re being used as tools of manipulation. They might believe that they are helping or defending the narcissist, not realizing that they are furthering emotional abuse.

Narcissists use flying monkeys in various ways, but the goal is always the same: to maintain control over their target and continue their manipulation without getting their hands dirty. Flying monkeys can be sent to:

Spread the narcissist's lies or distorted narrative:

This could be about a personal relationship, a breakup, a workplace conflict, or a family dispute. The narcissist paints themselves as the victim, and the flying monkeys unwittingly parrot this narrative to others.

Defend the narcissist's character:

When the narcissist's bad behavior is exposed, flying monkeys will step in to defend them, usually with phrases like, “They would never do something like that,” or “You’re misunderstanding them.” This further discredits the victim and solidifies the narcissist’s grip on the situation.

Gang up on the victim

Narcissists use flying monkeys to create a sense of social isolation for the victim. They might criticize, shame, or confront the victim on behalf of the narcissist, making the victim feel outnumbered.

How Narcissists Recruit Flying Monkeys

Narcissists are incredibly skilled at manipulating people. Whether through charm, emotional manipulation, or deception, they know how to bring others into their orbit and convince them to do their bidding. Narcissists recruit flying monkeys using a variety of methods:

1. Playing the Victim

Narcissists thrive on victimhood. To enlist flying monkeys, they will often paint themselves as the innocent, misunderstood party who has been wronged by the victim. Whether in a personal, professional, or family context, the narcissist spins a tale of betrayal, abandonment, or cruelty, portraying the victim as the perpetrator of their suffering.

For example, in a breakup, the narcissist might tell mutual friends, “I did everything for them, and they just threw it all away,” or “I don’t know why they’re treating me this way after everything I’ve done for them.” The flying monkeys, unaware of the narcissist’s manipulative tendencies, rush to their defense, convinced that they are helping someone who has been genuinely hurt.

2. Using Charm and Manipulation

Narcissists are often very charming, especially when they need to be. To recruit flying monkeys, they may flatter, praise, or manipulate others into feeling special or important. They make their flying monkeys feel like they are on the inside of a secret club, privy to information no one else has. By offering friendship or validation, the narcissist ensures loyalty from the flying monkeys.

In some cases, they may offer subtle rewards—favors, compliments, or even material gifts—to keep flying monkeys on their side. The goal is to create a relationship where the flying monkeys feel invested in the narcissist’s version of events.

3. Manipulating Relationships

Narcissists know how to exploit relationships to their advantage. In family dynamics, for example, they may pit one family member against another by exaggerating or fabricating grievances. A narcissistic parent might tell one sibling, “Your brother/sister is always so selfish. They don’t care about the family like you do,” in order to gain the sibling’s allegiance.

At work, a narcissist might play office politics, telling one coworker that another is undermining them, thus turning colleagues into flying monkeys who will help defend the narcissist or attack their target.

The Impact of Flying Monkeys on the Victim

The involvement of flying monkeys escalates the psychological and emotional abuse victims experience. What makes this tactic particularly harmful is that it multiplies the impact of the narcissist’s manipulation. Instead of dealing with one toxic person, the victim suddenly faces a whole group of people parroting the narcissist’s lies, making them feel isolated and under attack from all sides.

1. Social Isolation

One of the primary effects of flying monkeys is the isolation of the victim. The narcissist will spread their false narrative to friends, family members, or colleagues, turning those people against the victim. The result? The victim feels cut off from their social support network. Mutual friends may take sides, family members may start believing the narcissist’s version of events, and the victim is left feeling alone.

This isolation is intentional—narcissists know that when a victim is isolated, they are easier to control. By cutting off the victim’s support system, the narcissist increases their power over the situation.

2. Emotional and Psychological Stress

Being targeted by flying monkeys adds a layer of emotional stress on top of the abuse already coming from the narcissist. The victim may feel overwhelmed by the sheer number of people involved in the conflict, especially if they believe that their reputation is being damaged. It’s not uncommon for victims to feel paranoid or anxious, constantly worrying about what others are saying about them behind their back.

This added stress can lead to feelings of hopelessness, helplessness, and depression. The victim is constantly in a state of defense, trying to protect their reputation and counter the lies being spread, which can be emotionally draining.

3. Damage to Reputation and Relationships

Flying monkeys are often people who are close to the victim—friends, family members, or coworkers—who have been convinced by the narcissist to turn against them. This creates a deep sense of betrayal for the victim, who not only has to deal with the narcissist’s abuse but also the loss of relationships they once trusted.

Additionally, smear campaigns fueled by flying monkeys can have lasting effects on the victim’s reputation. Once a lie is spread, it can be difficult to undo the damage, even if the truth eventually comes to light. The victim may find that people who once supported them are now distant or skeptical, having bought into the narcissist’s narrative.

How to Protect Yourself from Flying Monkeys

If you’re dealing with a narcissist and their flying monkeys, it’s important to have strategies in place to protect yourself from further harm. Here are some steps you can take:

1. Set Boundaries

Establish clear boundaries with both the narcissist and their flying monkeys. This might mean cutting off communication entirely or limiting the amount of information you share with them. Remember, flying monkeys are often manipulated into their role, and trying to convince them of the truth may be a waste of your energy.

2. Document Everything

If the situation involves legal matters, custody disputes, or workplace conflicts, document every interaction you have with the narcissist and their flying monkeys. Keep emails, texts, and records of conversations that can serve as evidence if necessary.

3. Don’t Engage in Their Drama

One of the most effective ways to protect yourself from flying monkeys is to avoid engaging in the narcissist’s drama. Responding to every lie or attack will only keep you trapped in the narcissist’s game. Instead, focus on maintaining your integrity, keeping your distance, and only responding when absolutely

4. Build a Support Network

While the narcissist may try to isolate you, it’s crucial to seek out people who understand the situation and can provide emotional support. Whether it’s trusted friends, family members, or a therapist, having people who believe you and stand by your side can make all the difference.

Taking Back Control from the Narcissist and Their Flying Monkeys

Dealing with a narcissist is hard enough, but when they enlist flying monkeys to attack and isolate you, the abuse can feel unbearable. However, understanding how narcissists use flying monkeys—and knowing how to protect yourself—can help you regain control. Setting boundaries, documenting interactions, and avoiding unnecessary drama are key strategies in shielding yourself from their manipulation. Most importantly, build a strong support network and stay grounded in the truth. While the narcissist and their flying monkeys may attempt to smear your reputation, in time, those who matter will see through the lies and recognize your strength.