Facing Trauma

!!TRIGGER WARNING!!

At the young age of 13 while in high school I ran with the girls on my basketball team. We were inseparable, I trusted these ladies beyond measure. They were older than myself and taught me the game of basketball. We were trendsetters, girls who played ball like the guys. Winning our entire season, state champions it was unheard of at the time. Little ol' me playing Varsity basketball with high school girls while I was in 8th grade all while maintaining my grades.

On the eve of our championship game our coach so happy for us invited us girls to pizza to celebrate. Once we were all done she invited us back to her home. Although, I didn't clear this portion with my parents I was inclined to go have more fun with my friends. We stopped at the store to pick up pajamas, board games, and the best snacks. Who knew in just a short period of time these same girls I looked up to would have plans to rape me.

I took a shower and headed into the game room where 5 of the team members were already playing games. I joined in on a game of elimination Uno. As I went to throw down my last card and yell Uno! it happened. Two of the girls grabbed my arms, two grabbed my legs the one girl began to pull up her gown. I yelled for help, pleading with them what are you doing? Why are you doing this to me? She straddled me and began to rub her hairy vagina on my face. So I bit her. It was the only option I had. I was scared, out numbered, so many things.

Once free I ran to our coaches room she exclaimed, "They're just hazing you." so calmly and as a matter of fact. As if this is what normally happened during these things. Back then there was no cell phones and the only phone was in the coaches room. She wouldn't let me call home to tell my Mother and told me to keep quiet or the basketball team would be disbanded.

Confused, teary eyed, and hopeless I found a corner away from everyone and cried all night. not even able to sleep. My Mom had taught me about sex but, never this. What was this? How did I get here? So many questions running through my mind. Morning arrived I was so delirious from no sleep. I got on the bus sitting all the way in the back. They gave me these vile looks the entire way to the school. My mother was there upset that I didn't return from the game. Before I could say anything the coach pulled her to the side and told her that I was hazing the girls and did this to them.

My mother asked me what went on I told her everything teary eyed, full of emotion. Due to it being a weekend we went to file a police report. Little did I know one of the girls father was the Chief of police. He blamed me for this happening to me. Saying " You can't be raped by girls." What? We went to the school Monday the blamed me as well and stated "Are you sure the girls weren't just horse playing?" Then I was suspended from school and kicked off the basketball team.

My moral for school went all the way down. These girls who I had to see everyday laughing at me. Telling people I was to blame for their actions. I began to skip class, smoke pot, fight, and just destroy myself. For many years I blamed myself too. I began to believe I brought this on myself. eventually I left school to get my G.E.D. My dream of being an attorney gone out the window.

It wasn't until Age 33 that I began to see a therapist who informed me I had PTSD. I thought only War Heroes had that. She taught me that it wasn't my fault I was the child in this whole thing. The people who were supposed to protect me had failed me. To this day I don't have many lady friends, I try to but certain things bring me to the point of that day.

Although, I am an adult sometimes that little girl in me comes out and I just cry. Maybe I haven't dealt with the trauma at all. Maybe I'll always be that 13 year old girl who feels the shame her predators should feel. What I won't do is blame myself, I will fight and galvanize with others who may be or have experienced this type of trauma. I will protect those who feel defenseless.

Don't beat yourself up because there are many dangerous people in this world who think it's okay to inflict pain on people. It is not okay. Ever. You have a friend in me. Let's normalize speaking up when someone harms you and steals your innocence. Don't turn a blind eye to these predatory behaviors.