Everything For Me Is All-Or-Nothing

As far back as I can remember everything has been all-or-nothing.

I liked to skateboard, so my life revolved around it. I wore the clothes, watched the videos, listened to the music, and skateboarded twenty-four-seven. It was my first real obsession.

Other sports and hobbies such as hockey, soccer, chess, and golf went by the wayside.

All I cared about was skateboarding.

It consumed me.

My happiness was completely dictated by whether or not I skated well that day, and if I had a bad day of skateboarding I would get depressed.

However, it wasn’t all bad. It also allowed me to surpass my friends in skill level and get very good in a short period of time.

I guess that’s what happens when you put all your time into something.

Skateboarding was my first obsession but not my last.

In the movie Lone Survivor, Matt ‘Axe’ Axleson says “Anything in life worth doing is worth overdoing, moderation is for cowards! I’m a lover, I’m a fighter, I’m a UDT Navy SEAL diver!”

Although I never became a Navy Seal, this was how I lived my life for the past thirty years.

Eventually, I would find an obsession that would almost kill me.

An obsession with alcohol.

All that energy that I once put into a hobby like skateboarding now went into finding alcohol, finding other substances, having enough money to buy alcohol, and drinking alcohol.

As my life spiralled out of control, the energy went into hiding my addiction from my family, co-workers, and everybody else.

Being an addict is a full-time job, and it didn’t take long before I was drinking every moment I was awake.

I lost jobs, friends, family, relationships, and money but it didn’t matter, I wasn’t obsessed with them.

I was obsessed with alcohol, and if I had alcohol for the day I was okay.

Fortunately, I was able to see the light and get help for my addiction. Now this all-or-nothing attitude has gone into my sobriety and my writing.

Once again, I find myself improving quickly, learning a lot, and figuring out who I am, but it consumes me.

I don’t write an article every other day. I have to write three a day. I get obsessed with the numbers, statistics, and the overwhelming amount of analytical information these platforms provide.

My happiness is dictated by what I wrote that day, how it was received by others, and how many people read it.

So I’ve realized that this is just part of who I am and if I want to live a healthy life I’m going to have to put a lot of effort into balance and moderation.

I sought some advice from others and figured out some things on my own and I’m having success.

I put my phone away most of the day, only checking periodically.

I only check social media stats once a day maximum but I try not to check more than a few times a week.

I let myself write as much as I want because it’s therapeutic and I enjoy it. However, I make sure I do other things I enjoy like going to the gym, playing video games, and hanging out with my dog.

If I don’t put a ton of effort into balance I’ll burn myself out and quit.

The same goes for my sobriety. If I don’t focus on building a healthy life and just put all my energy into meetings and just not drinking, I’ll burn out and quit. Before I know it I’ll be drinking again, and I know what happens then.

So if you’re like me and have a mind that obsesses over everything, there is hope. It’s a superpower if you can use it with balance.

Give yourself some time each day for your healthy obsessions and then let them go and do other things you enjoy.

No single thing will give you happiness, nor should it. We need variety and balance to live our lives to the fullest and be healthy and happy human beings.

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