Everything About My Anxiety:

I know what it is

I know why it’s here

I understand it

I’ve had lots of experience with it

But that doesn’t mean I can control it

Physically it’s like this weird sensation that all the cells in my body are vibrating back and forth, and the me inside of my body is blurry, glitched out, and not grounded. While on the outside, my body is still as stone.

I have a weird sense that there’s something blocking my vision and I’m not seeing clearly.

My heart is beating really really loudly and faster than usual and its really distracting.

I simultaneously feel like I’m going to vomit and pass out. And it doesn’t help that the one thing people do when they get together is eat. And I’m too anxious and self conscious to be seen refusing food I’m offered and I don’t want to offend the cook, so I end up shoving food down my throat into my already nauseated body, and calculating the time before I feel like I’ll explode.

It also just feels like my stomach isn’t capable of digesting and whatever I eat just sits inside my gut. Needless to say, I’m rarely able to enjoy good food.

I trip up and stumble a lot.

I’m overly aware that I exist and there are receptive people receiving my presence. I’m also aware that they can probably feel anxiety radiating off of my being, either consciously or unconsciously, and I feel really bad, which increases the anxiety radiating off of me. I think they’re beautiful and lovely and shouldn’t have to deal with my anxious energy.

In a sense, it feels like I’m aware of every detail in my peripheral vision, but missing the main view point or conversation.

When people receive me, I don’t feel like it’s really me. If I’m an ocean, they’re watching the reflection of the sky on the surface, and they have no idea of it’s depth.

When I’m asked questions, I blank on everything I know about myself, and I’m overly focused on the birdseye perspective of the fact that I’m in this scenario and words are coming out of my mouth.

I’m overly aware of the way my body is sitting/standing/looking. I’m overly aware of the way my hands are resting on the table and the way I’m raising the fork to my mouth, and if I know how to do basic tasks like eat like a normal person.

I have really sweaty palms and suddenly think I’m standing too still.

I feel like I’m staring too much. I don’t know where to look.

As I’m being anxious about everything, I’m being anxious about the fact that I’m anxious, and I’m terrified of the people around me knowing that I’m anxious, like it’s a big dirty secret that would land me a death sentence if anyone found out.

My throat is really tight.

I feel so alienated and I’m tripping over the fact that I exist here right now. I don’t feel like I do. The world around me feels solid and concrete and I feel like I’m as solid as a gust of wind or a glitchy computer hologram.

I can’t breathe.

I’m amazed that people know how to interact and talk to each other. I’m watching it happen so closely. I don’t understand this surface level conversation and I want to. I want to be like them. I want to relax like them.

I desperately want real connection, and to be received as the real me. I want to be present with, and see, and feel into, and love other people.

I feel alone.

Finally, when it’s over and I’m actually alone, I feel real again.

I only feel like I’m safe to be when I know no one can see me.

Don’t get me wrong- I am confident about who I am and what I think and what I know. It’s just that that stuff’s only as real as I am when people are around me. And I just don’t feel real.