Every Breath is a Blessing

Every breath is a blessing. Today is my one year birthday. I should be dead, many times over, but I’m still here. “Why?” You may ask. My Higher Power wanted me alive so I could tell you my story. At 14 years old I began using drugs. At 16 I started using heavy drugs and using the needle. I lived my life like there was no tomorrow. Afterall there may not be. Tomorrow is promised to no one. But for me I didn't care if I lived or died. I was foolish.

It was the year 2000 when my life took a turn for the worse. I was 18 years old. In this year my best friend had committed suicide, my brother began his abusive reign of terror on me and I was in two vehichle crashes where I had been hit by trains. I know this sounds far fetched but it is the truth. I shouldn’t be alive. I always wondered why I didn’t die on those railroad tracks or at the hand of my brother. During this year I also attempted suicide on many occasions and would burn myself. I was hospitalized many, many times. I’m not proud of any of these things and I definitely would advise against it, but I don’t regret any of it because it made me who I am. It molded me and made me a stronger person. Through the years my mental health went downhill and my brother continued to beat cut and stab me and would use mental warfare on me. This bothered me because I looked up to him. I tried to blame it on him spending most of his life behind bars, but I also wonder if I was just making excuses for him. Deep down, though, I had these deep seeded, unresolved issues inside myself that I needed to work on if I were to ever be able to let go of my addictions. My drug use escalated and got out of hand. I overdosed several times and ended up in I.C.U. three different times for suicide attempts. I was very unhappy. Looking back now I believe one of my biggest addictions was my emotions. I enjoyed being unhappy. I’m so thankful to be alive now and to be happy. I only hope that at least one person will read this and be inspired to change their life. If I can do that then my mission has been accomplished.

Things in my life started spiraling out of control. Our house burned down in the middle of the night. My aunt let us live in her old house. For a few brief months things seemed to be going alright until I woke to screaming that I still hear to this day. A smell I’ll never forget. My mom had somehow caught on fire while me and my brother were passed out. I looked up and my brother was patting out the flames. That wasn’t working so I threw a blanket over her to smother it. I slept for two weeks after that, coming down off all the stuff in my system. I didn’t know where my brother was and thought my mom had died. After two months I found out my brother was in a homeless shelter and that my mom was in a hospital being treated for her burns. Over 98% of her body suffered third and fourth degree burns down to her bones. She had extensive surgeries. When I found out where my brother was I went to be with him. I finally got an apartment and he and his girlfriend and I moved in. After only a year the housing authority found out that the 2 of them were living with me and I was evicted. We were back to being homeless. We ended up living and working at various motels. No matter how hard I tried to escape the situation I was in, I couldn’t escape myself. That’s where the real problem was and no matter how badly I wanted to get away from the drugs and get help, I never would unless I fixed myself internally. I prayed to my higher power who I had thought abandoned me for help escaping the drugs and my still abusive brother. Two weeks later I was locked up and facing some very serious time on a robbery charge. I struggled daily when I first got there. I ended up getting in trouble and sent to solitary confinement and was brought to my knees by my higher power. I got saved and began reading and studying my bible everyday. My lawyer told me I was looking at 10 years to life on each charge, robbery and conspiracy to commit robbery. I prayed that that wouldn’t happen. When I finally went to court I was sentenced to two and a half years. I was blown away. While locked up I stayed sober. When I got out of prison I was sent to a halfway house because I didn't have a homeplan. I was there only a week when I started using it again. After three weeks, my brother committed suicide. I was distraught. He may have been abusive towards me but after all he was my brother and I loved him very much. I began to use even more. I quit reading my bible and quit going to church. Two months and three weeks to the day later I was arrested again on a violation of probation for a dirty urine screen and sent back to prison. I was sentenced to 18 months. I was brought to my knees again. Again I was saved from myself. When I was released this time I went to a rehab center. I went to church regularly and meetings six days a week. I found a sponsor and started working the 12 steps. I began taking a close look at myself and began to work on what the real problem was. The real problem was something much bigger than drugs, it was me.

Now to look at me you would think I never had any problems. People that knew me years ago tell me often that they want what I have. That there has been a dramatic change in me. My family has started building better relationships with me again which I never thought possible. Today I celebrate one year of sobriety from the day I was released. I am going to have a huge piece of chocolate cake to celebrate.

I hope this tiny portion of my life story has inspired and motivated at least one person to realize that anyone can change the road they’re on. Recovery is real and it is possible. My life is a living testimony to that fact.

If you’ve liked what you have read and feel inspired by my story please feel free to share it with others. Any help getting this out there matters. Thank you for reading.