Emptiness

My Name is Bubbii, I have written and published a story and it can be found here; on Vocal. It's called Finding Me. You could say this is Part 2, following on from my first story.

Since than; 6 Months ago; We as a family been through so much.

This year,2021, was suppose to be our year; as a family. To grow, get healthy and be happy. Work on our selves and each other, become more of a positive and supportive member to our family.

Let me start and introduce myself and my Family. Made up of my husband, Myself, (Bubbii) and my 4 Boys. My husband is 10 years older than me, His name is Rosco. Together we have 3 Boys. Macks who is 12, KobeJoe who is 11 and BrockRyan who is 6. Than I have also raised my husbands eldest son, since the age of 15 months old. Jackson, who is 15 years and due to his disability of Cerebral Palsy, now lives in his own home, with around the clock care. We also have 3 emotional support Dogs. They them selves, where damaged, they all are rescues. Harry is a Chihuahua mix and is 7, Fifita is a Staffy x Dachshund mix who is 6 and Lullabell or LuLu is a English Staffy who is 13 an who we refer to as mama. They all have a special place in our family.

I have Many different Mental health conditions. read here

I was undergoing EMDR Therapy for these conditions, and it was working. Than in March; Covid had kicked in and my face to face appointment's where cancelled and we could not continue with the EMDR Therapy. Whilst we could not continue with this Therapy, we did continue our sessions via video link and Telehealth appointments. They helped, I was able to speak about the ongoing family breakdowns and the feelings from loneliness and feeling empty, feeling unwanted and looking for that acceptance that I have longed for, for such a long, long time. And after all the issues that had arise during 2020, from death's in the family to family breakdown in communication and constant tension, that never stops.

This year went so fast and before I knew it, we where already in April. This is when this year went to Hell. It was April the 8th, 2021 and with so much happening, I thought that the funny feeling in my chest was my anxiety and for 3 days, I continued to feel this strange feeling. Over the Days, my chest become tight and it was not until April the 11th that I had finally told my husband about the pain I had been experiencing. It was than, an ambulance was called and immediately was taken to hospital. In that moment I was alone, no family with me, only the faces of the ambulance officers and the nurses that kept reassuring me everything would be okay. The last thing I remember, is this beautiful and caring nurse, placed a mask on my face and saying just breathe, just breathe until her voice faded away and whist holding my hand and stroking my forehead as a caring mother would do for their child. Little did I know, for those 22 hours, I had Heart Failure, Carbon monoxide poisoning and also COPD. This Nurse stayed with me during everything they did to keep me alive and when I woke, I found myself on the Cardiac Ward.

My mind become empty, my feelings where no longer there. The more I pinched myself, the more that feeling come over me. The feeling of Emptiness. The feeling of nothing, except the tears in my eyes, they continued to run down my face. It was the first time in a long time that my head was not racing; like a train track, thoughts not coming and going, images not playing like a move. NOTHING. EMPTY. Emptiness. Emptiness. The scarcest feeling I could ever feel. This feeling was new to me. My body, mind and soul did not feel the same and as I looked around the room and My eyes come across the window, all I could see was the stars and moon.

How, How, How? I questioned my self. How am I going to tell my Husband that I died; My heart stopped from a lack of oxygen in my blood cells and I also now have COPD, the exact same thing that my Papa had died from in 2020. Just how? (It was a relief to know, that the COPD was not cancer). But to also tell my Husband; that I must get my Will and Funeral papers in order. To explain, that due to my other medical conditions, my Heart Valve can not be fixed and to find out, this heart condition, is something I was born with. And for 35 years, I did not know.

One of the hardest things I had to do is call my bestfriend of 30years and tell her what had happened. All my emotions started coming back, the tears in my eyes ran down my checks like colours, for each emotion, I was feeling. Sad, angry, hurt. Questioning why this is happening to me, after all I have been through in my 35 years.

This call took me 4 weeks to make. I was still struggling with what I now have to deal with on top of all my Mental health and body conditions. I now have to have special equipment to keep me alive. She is not only my best friend, she is my soul. We are connect in a way, that is unexplainable. She did her best to be strong, to not cry to not scream. But, I knew deep down, she would loose a part of herself. And for my god children to know that aunty is very sick; was so hard for me to see how much they also are struggling. How this has now effected not only my children but all my Nephews and Nieces as well.

It has now nearly been 8 weeks since the heart attack and adjusting to life as it is now. My mental health state is still along way to recovery and so is my body. My children and husband are now getting use to the new routine and medication times, CPAP machines and Nebulisations everyday. Along with in home visits from Nurse Navigators and in home helpers.

I find myself struggling to understand the reason why my own Parents and Bio sisters have not made contact in this time, to see how things are or if the children are copping. My emotions and feelings are torn. I feel empty with the thought of how much hurt and anger is filling inside me. How much pain I am in. I struggle with saying anything, as I know how the conversation will go!. They always go the same way!. I struggle with how my children feel. I see the pain and colour in their own eyes. I see the torn relationship that they have with my own family and understand how they have so many questions. Questions that may never be answered.

I have the love and support of my husband's family. They are there for my boys. They do so much and with everyday; they are told how much I appreciate their love and support that they give. My husband's Aunty and Uncle, they are something different, they are something special. They are not just any Great Aunty and Uncle to my Boys; they are Grandparents. My husband's Sister and Family, Thank you for everything that you do.

To my sister, Renee. You know I love you and we too, have a connection that is unbroken, unspoken and will always be.

I will continue to heal, with the support of the people and loved ones around me. We as a family, will get through this as we have jumped over so many hurtles this last 14 years.

I will continue to cry colours of emotions; to work though my feelings; thoughts and images. I will reach out when I am struggling, and I will continue to accept support where it is needed. I will learn, not to be so stubborn and be in acceptance of help when it is offered. In time, my mind will come back, I will than continue with my EMDR therapy; this is so important. But for now, it is back to regular sessions. And even in those dark moments, those dark days, when those dark feelings and emotions creep in; I will try to remember your words, Renee.

I will continue to Love you; My Husband, as we plan the future; what every time that is together. And we will continue to dream on winning the lottery and travelling the country. Watching the Boys grow, finish school, travel and reach for the stars. To my oldest, Macks; you have been a rock during all of this. You have you times; when you become to much; but you are always by my side, each and everyday. You have learnt so much, your more mature than a 12 year old boy should be. Dad and I are so proud of who you have become and with special programs, now in place to help support you, now you can reach your dreams faster.

To everyone who has supported me and my little family, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. I appreciate you and I will continue to fight for how long my body allows me to.