Emotionally

I've wondered for years why I am the way that I am. Why do I think the way that I do? Typically I am critical of myself and question everything that I do. Often, my mind goes straight to the worst possible outcome in most situations. In my head, people are always criticizing me and everything I do is an embarrassment. My existence to everyone seems to be a burden.

Anxiety and depression surround me like a cloud. I sleep for hours and have no motivation for anything.

Often I wish I never existed. I don't want to die, but as Sam Cooke says, "It's been too hard living, but I'm afraid to die." Some members of my family always remind me of my flaws and acts as if they are high and mighty.

Growing up I never really could make friends, and also wondered why. It was either don't talk or talk are get you feelings hurt by the negative opinions of others. I chose to stay quiet because I knew I couldn't handle any more rejection.

It's difficult for me to tell others no. I get into a lot of trouble not being able to stick up for myself and tell others what I want. If someone suggests something I typically agree with them to avoid confrontation. I know that if I ever speak, no one care or will listen.

Getting blamed for most things is routine, and my new name is Scapegoat.

How is it possible that one person can be hated so much? It feels as if I am the only one disregarded and laughed at this much. I have family members that I have great relationships with, but I know they still think of me as a rabble-rouser.

The few friends that I have I know I can talk to them about anything, and I believe they care for me. They don't constantly try and fit me into their mold. I can be myself around them without worrying about losing them. None of them have ever made me feel like I was an alien. However, I still wonder what they think of me when I'm away.

I am sad that my friends and I no longer live close to each other. I would be able to be in the company of those who I know to care about me.

Again, I wonder why I seem to be the biggest outside there ever was and recently came to a conclusion.

While I am not perfect and have made others feel insignificant, I have been misunderstood and overlooked.

When I was younger my parents didn't let me have much of a voice. To this day it is their way or the highway. If you speak out against them for anything you are the devil in the flesh.

I remember being told that I wasn't going to have a long life when I grew up because I spoke out against my parents. They often told me that they were calling a psychiatrist because I was mean to my brother.

My mother once prayed for me in our living room. While she was praying my other siblings were around so it was awkward. I made a face out of embarrassment then was slapped and rebuked.

Fast forward to my 5th-grade year my parents got a call from an investigator. They wanted to speak to my parents regarding something that happened at my school. When they got off the phone the first thing they asked is if I did something wrong.

I started questioning myself, trying to think of anything I could have done wrong, but couldn't think of anything. Turns my teacher was a child molester and they were calling to make sure nothing happened to me.

One time I didn't fold a towel "correctly" and my mother said, "Honey you're never going to get anywhere in life if you are a slob. You'll never find a job."

My dad worked all of the time, and when he was home he was asleep. When we did have conversations he was reinforcing my mother's plea for me to do my chores or telling me what I should and shouldn't do.

I began to realize in my teen years that my father favored his sons. To this day we will have a conversation and he will insist I don't know something on a topic because he thinks that women are clueless about it.

I know my parents thought they were doing the best for me and they weren't always mean, but their words still hurt a lot.

During my adult years, I tried to feed my loneliness and depression with friendship, only I never spoke with anyone. I turned to date sites as a source to find new people to talk to. As I mentioned before, it was pointless.

You could say I'm not the world's version of attractive and to add to it, I'm extremely awkward. The combination of the two ended my " dates" before they started.

All the guys I ever met only wanted sex from me and I was never going to give it. None of them ever talked to me again. One of them managed to sexually assault me which only added to my low self-esteem and issues.

I blamed myself for years for a lot of things. For the way I am. For my anger, anxiety, and depression. For my bitterness and much more. It wasn't until I found out that I had cancer, that my perspective changed.

I realize now that yes I am bitter and yes I am always questioning the motives of others, but it's because of the card that I have been dealt.

Could I deal with these cards differently? Oh for sure, but that still doesn't minimize the hurt and emotional and physical abuse that I've been through.

As of late, I am starting to realize that I deserve, and deserved more. I am worthy of love and nothing is wrong with me. I deserved to be heard, seen, appreciated, and valued. It's okay to say no and it's okay to tell others how I feel.

It's clear to me that many of us go on for so long holding the weight of our emotional and physical abuse. We walk alone, carrying these huge burdens with no support. Some of us continue to be hard on ourselves and can't see what we are worth.

Just in case you are reading this and you've been through any type of abuse, I want you to know you're not alone. You are worthy, nothing is wrong with you, and you deserve the world. Your being is beautiful and designed specifically for you.

You can do and be anything you want to be, and if anyone says otherwise well, do it anyway.

It's time to celebrate your life while you are still here. It's time to drop the people in your life who drag you down and find others who will support everything you are.

Love you, be you, cherish you. You deserve it.